The Illuminati hasn't given me a raise in years. Let's see how good the new guy is at sacrificing goats... I mean, what Illuminati?

*****

I just called someone the "N" word, so I'm selling my fantasy football team.

Wait, I have permission...

Never mind.

*****

Old guy: I don't agree with homosexuality

Me: Then don't blow or bang any dudes. Problem solved

Old guy: Hey, I'm no longer homophobic!

*****