Did YOU get your daily prostate exam?

What do you mean they're NOT DAILY?

What do you mean the crossing guard lady doesn't do it?

I like to leave the empty boxes of expensive electronics outside of empty homes because criminals need practice and oh yeah, fuck them!

I'm an Independent voter. I think for myself. Scared? Good.

"I don't see ANY GOLD titties! LIARS!!!"

- Dumb guy watching the Golden Globes

Just lifted weights. I'm typing this with my nose.

People, congress... doesn't... like you. Understand?

I'm a little pissed that MY booty selfies aren't as popular as some of the female ones.

Ladies, your lack of interest smacks of SEXISM!!!!!

Wouldn't it be hilarious if the "Devil" just turned out to be a nerd with an anger problem?

You're not a REAL man if you have never slurped your woman's boobs just for the fun of it and not to get her into bed.

The muscles in my face that I use to pretend that I care are starting to hurt.

Oh, "Flash mob", NOT "Flash the mob".... well, that does cut down on the ass whippings and shootings...

Pro tip: If a cab driver tells you that you "took too long", DON'T say "Yeah well your mother takes it long". They don't like that.

"The BEST is not always the most popular" - Unpopular people

So, can you get these crocodile tears out of the carpet? - The Maury Show producers to the rug cleaner backstage

Say it, don't spray it, and definitely don't spit in my face on purpose screaming DIE DIE DIE!

I have never felt more "Fuck this shit"-y than I do right now.

Party crash? Nope. Start my own party, enjoy the people there and not give a damn about everyone not attending? Yup.

An Apple device a day, keeps the next tax bracket away.