Hey Lakes, you're not so great. Oh alright, you can keep calling yourself that...but I'd better see some improvement!

Dear women's butts, thanks for feeling like that.

Just went to a Burger King, there wasn't one semi attractive, badly dressed person dancing badly....because....YOUR COMMERCIALS ARE LIES!!

Dennis Rodman just came in. He says he visited my ex and I should call her and try to get back with her. TAKE YOUR ASS BACK TO N. Korea!! You can't make me take her back damn it! NOOOOOOOO!

"Oh my lord! This woman just grabbed my butt."
- Things I'll be saying in a minute...right after I back into this woman's hand on purpose

Dance like there's no tomorrow...because I'm about to shoot you.


I want to be the FIRST BLACK #bachelor. Bwahahahaha! Just kidding. I can actually get women WITHOUT a reality show.

 ...I need a girlfriend

People who dropped out of the College of Cardinals BEFORE voting for pope must be pissed. Also, their parents who paid for Cardinal College.


Sequester:
People in Congress treating the American public the same way teenagers treat the characters in the video game Vice city