Me tied down + a sweaty Jillian Michaels sitting on my chest and yelling at me + it happening every night
 = YES PLEASE!

I'm going to talk in 50's slang from now on... because I want to be avoided by people.


Guy 1: "I look better than I did when I was in my 20's!"

Guy 2" "Damn, you must have been a huge mess!"
#not the right response

North Korea, just sit down, eat your pudding and stop throwing tantrums or we'll turn this car around right now!


NEVER tell a woman you're dating that she looks good holding a baby...unless you're ready to make one with her.

...unless you want your ass whipped. (and I don't mean in the GOOD way)

I don't take rejection personally. My friend Mr Baseball Bat however...

I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down this cherry tree...*grabs ax again* Why lie? It's not like you're going to be able to tell on me...