My cousin took back the cat. I miss her, BUT I learned the secret of self licking. Take that five point palm exploding heart technique!

I hate talk radio. Well, I hate what it's BECOME.

My dentist dissed Romney for being a phony the whole time that he was checking my teeth. I like my dentist...

"Hey gold diggers, it's only that if I DON'T know what you're doing! But I know, don't care and would like to resume our banging." -Old guys

Beautiful women are like water ices. I like to regularly put my penis deep in them. Wait, what?

Sweet peppers on my breakfast sandwich seems to be causing an uproar here. I guess they're used to the nudity.

As the guy on ABC walks across a tightrope over the Grand Canyon, a neighbor sleeps with a woman he met at the free clinic. What to watch...

In ten years I'm going to do a reality show about the ONLY person who hasn't had one...ME.

Wait, the tightrope guy has a tether wire!?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WATCHING THIS FOR!?! ;-)