Guys, calling a woman "Bacon Boobs" is a nice way of breaking the ice...but ONLY if she knows how much you LOVE bacon. AND boobs.

I'm taking CIALIS® before my next bath. I want to give my rubber duck and boats a beacon so they don't get lost in all of those bubbles

Whenever Maury is taping his show, I get it on with his wife....according to the lie detector...

Mashed potatoes = MURDER!...If you're a potato...then again potatoes can't talk, or feel...where am I going with THIS? I need MORE sleep...

"So, let me get THIS straight..."
- A penis mechanic

Sometimes I see people that make me think  even DNA takes a lunch break sometimes.

Although the level of emotional toxicity around me isn't "Fatal", it has reached the level of "Chronic illness" I will of course manage it.

I'm hoping I can get President Obama to write an excuse note to get me out of the conversation that I'm currently stuck in...

Officer, I have a Bluetooth so I am not distracted by my phone. Would you like a burger from my passenger seat grill?