Saturday, June 2, 2012

I'm drinking juice made from an orange's liquefied guts...yeah, it just got REAL

I'm NOT looking bat your breasts! I have a name tag fetish!

I like to take pictures of people in the parking lot with my phone while holding duct tape and muttering "THIS is gonna be soooo easy!"

Breaking fake news! Congress votes to ban universal remotes from having the same access to batteries as regular remotes.

Why burn down a bridge behind you? Just burn the people individually that try to cross after you. It's cheaper and still sends the message.

"Not just anyone can pull off THIS outfit!"
- A guy about to be stripped naked by a group of people not good at understanding context

I just bit a bedbug while it was sleeping. See, it's not so cute when it happens to you ya little bastard! Go ahead, tell the hotel manger!

Watching one of my best friends (a white guy) ignore his wife's big ass is like watching him use a winning lottery ticket as a coaster.

fjdbgsdghlkjdnblbnlskfng. Alright! Who left the Rosetta stone next to the jackhammer!?!

Projectile vomiting is for punks. I have now invented "Trick shot vomiting". You're NO LONGER SAFE around corners designated drivers!

Ironically I fantasize about having sex with Flo from Progressive in a moving car.

At the dollar store, I give them real dollars, but the 8% sales tax.. is fake. Yeah, suck on that counterfeit nickel and three fake pennies!

When I do "Eye contact", I actually put my eye on you.

"Hi sir, I want to regularly thrust my thing deep into your daughter!"
- What EVERYTHING you say sounds like to dads


Have you ever lost respect for a celebrity because of who they married? You know what I mean, some kinky, depraved sex freak that you know is doing weird things to her daily.

I want to be that reason, do you hear me Serena Williams?

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