I write erotic poetry...literally just THOSE TWO WORDS over and over again until the book is full but people are usually too horny to notice


I actually have "My own drum"....but I prefer to dance to the beat of my flute. Why? Because who else is cool enough to pull THAT off?

I'm the poster boy for people that think calling people "The poster boy" is antiquated and stupid.

No one'll see this so...a friend sent a video of a guy blowing himself and I can now say beyond a doubt that I would never blow myself...

No one is going to see this so... A pretty woman's boobs and butt cheeks taste like chocolate pudding. Oh, I forgot, I put the pudding there

I just saw a lady with breasts too big for me to enjoy slurping on them. Hahahahhahahahha! Sorry, I tried to say that with a straight face.

I would love to be President just long enough to curse out assholes who interrupt me.

Dear women, EVERY exercise you do reminds us of sex. Also EVERYTHING else you do. Seriously. Yeah girl, wipe that dog crap off of your shoe.

How...the hell...does R. Kelly STILL owe the IRS $5 million? Did you learn nothing from Wesley Snipes, Redd Foxx, Ronald Isley....


I was thinking about taking Karate, but there is no place on the gi to hide my guns.

I brought a knife to a gunfight and while the other guy was laughing at me I stabbed him. See? That saying is WRONG!!!!!!!

Why cheat with her friend when you can occasionally fantasize about the friend while actually banging your woman. Best...of...both...worlds!