I just found out that the pee smell was there FIRST and it's the subway that is ruining the urine smell for people. THE MORE YOU KNOW...

My cheating ex called and said she "Misses my sweet di*k" (No, that wasn't censored, she has a speech impediment)

You can't run faster than I ejaculate. Ready? Set? GOTCHA!

If I had a dollar for every time something that happens often happens, I'd have an amount commensurate with the number of occurrences.

"Aw, isn't THAT cute?"
- No one means THIS

No, that's NOT a banana in my pocket, that's my erect penis. Can we stop repeating old sayings and fuck now please!?!

I hope that my jokes are still relevant when people start paying attention to this account. So, who wants a Seagrams Golden Wine cooler?

Rugged individualism, meet societal contract. I think you'll get along. You had a crush on each other?  They said you'd hate each other...