Why is the skin on my face so smooth? 30 something boob sweat. Yeah, I like this lady.

I don't buy lottery tickets anymore. There's better odds that the stuff on the dollar menu will taste good...but not by much.

I used to trash talk roaches after spraying them with raid. I'm a better person now. Also, I no longer live in shitty places.

I don't need liquid courage, I was born with the "Do what the hell I want" gene. Unless I have a girlfriend and she says not to. I like sex.

Ladies if you won't get nude and let me draw a Wonder Woman outfit on you with food color altered whipped cream, I can't take you seriously.

I got Blockbuster@Home and now a loser security guard is following me around my house to prevent me from stealing shitty movies.

I would watch porn on my tablet, but it would be too much like holding up a magazine... I've been told... by OTHERS... who were NOT me...

I need to take more acting classes, I have yet to convince a lady that my name is "Me Deepupinya"

That "Fibromyalgia" cereal must suck. Everytime I visit my uncle I hear him on the phone yelling about how he doesn't want it anymore.

Dear people on the stand during Law & Order, don't get angry while holding the murder weapon. Didn't you hear the sinister music start!?

Dear teens trying to shoplift, EVERY store in the world has hidden cameras. They see you. Start making better decisions you little dickheads

Stood in the freezing cold for an hour jumping a young relative's car. #worldsbestcousin #notgoingtohavetoeatdogfoodwhenigetold

Why sniff a woman's panties when she has two perfectly good armpits right there? What a sick weirdo that guy is! I'm glad I'm filming this.

The President is golfing with TIGER WOODS!? Oh my God! What is going on!? Just kidding. If you give a shit, get a life.

"Hahahahaha!" - Politicians/CEOS laughing & counting money as Americans argue with each other over unimportant, manufactured differences.

A guy in London throws a bottle at Rihanna because she's still with Chris Brown. If you want his picture, look up "doesn't get irony"

"Don't you ever compare ME to Ted Nugent! Those are fighting words!" - crazy guy pissing on the side of a police car...at a red light

I use the "Calories burned off while banging" chart. Why? Because kickboxing hurts...but I do wear a mouth piece and talcum during both...

Alright illuminati, I'm ready to let you put the chip in my brain. Why? Because to hell with these smartphones and tablets that's why!

You're supposed to throw SALT over your shoulder and NOT hot tea? Oops...and sorry grandma. I didn't see you back there. #dontjudgeme

Yes. T'was I who "dealt it" #carrideapologies

If you actually take "Bold steps", I mean physically step "Boldly", people will laugh and call you an idiot. And not under their breath.

The building. *carnac voice* "Things Mr. Thomas has just left!" *silence* "May you find out your goat cheese isn't cheese, or from a goat!"

My last girlfriend was "Afro pick in her pubic hair" militant. Yup.