I'm not a the kind of person who joins a clique. I think they are awful. Also most people aren't good enough to deserve being around me.

I'm going to rob a goodwill store THEN give the shit back to them because only the last thing you do really matters anyway.

Free "Setup and removal"? Don't you dare threaten me furniture store! You will not "Setup" or "Remove" me! Try, and I'll "Restock" your ass!

I don't have a dog. If you try to rob me, I bark, lick myself and sniff people's butts. It's very effective. Also, I do it on weekends.

I want a warning before tampon commercials come on.

Women who don't love giving oral...they do it occasionally because you like it and just go through the motions....no.

Lawyers in television commercials....no.

Guys who over share about their sex lives AFTER you become friends with and thus think of their wives like a sister...no.

Just licked myself. Women are right, I AM yummy!

I really hate politicians now. I'm also ashamed of those who feign ignorance just to advance bigoted, mean spirited agendas. Disgusting.

Imagine if politicians actually helped the public. What would the country be like? The true shame? What I asked sounds like a fairy tale.

Politicians, compassion isn't a sign of weakness, the opposite is true. Also...go fuck yourselves.

Dear people who choose female meteorologists for TV, please find a wife for me. We apparently have the same taste in women. Thanks.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" - me when a lady asked me to get her name tattooed on my arm

"Dear birth control pills that stop women's periods....THANKS!" - My penis (Yes, it talks. Mine is better than yours)

Car commercials, calm down.

"Even hot women can be desperate!" - original working title of The Bachelor

Fucking with broke dreamers" - original title of Shark Tank.

Yeah, he's a homophobe but he's a "Mr. Roper teasing Jack Tripper" type of homophobe....

Wanna get punched in the face by a woman you don't know? Call a woman over 40 a "Broad"...then sit back and enjoy the nose trauma!

Even though sperm banks buy sperm, you can't pay a toll by nutting off into the change slot....apparently that's, "Illegal".

Uh...you do know that you can punish politicians that are evil by voting them out, recalling or impeaching them, right? So.....

Politicians, being a DECENT human being is actually EASIER than being a lying tub of guano. Try it sometime between election riggings, okay?

Gay people SHOULD be able to get married. Cute black comedians SHOULDN'T. (Unless he wants to) (I mean what's the rush?) (Calm down)

I am a forward leaning person. It has NOTHING to do with your low cut top. Huh? I always say "yum yum look at those!" at this time of day.

Download...."Load" tee hee.

Men get turned on watching women eat a banana. Women get turned on when I brush my teeth because I do that before banging them.

It's EASIER to stop being a xenophobic asshat than it is to rig elections and steal electoral votes. Just putting that out there people...

Hey, when does the Ben & Jerry's "Titties and Whipped Cream" flavored ice cream come out? I mean for YOU people. I make mine at home.

Long story short: F. U.

When setting a table, do you put the fork on the left...the right...or do you stop being an ass and just sit down and eat with it?

Second Amendment rights....and lefts and uppercuts and...huh? That's not what it means? Oh. I just embarrassed myself didn't I?

I wish happiness for all couples, but....fuck your home movies.

This look of disgust at your behavior is being presented for the first time in High Definition.

Doing a podcast right can be expensive. So next year I'm going to do a cheap effed up version. Just kidding, I'm going to do porn.

Some people WILL "bite you"...so be careful when you say that crap.

When has a bull ever gotten into a china shop? Exactly. Try making your point without lying old man!