Why do gay people in show business hide it? I was just talking about that with this guy I was banging in the ass....I mean woman...

I'm not a big fan of popularity contests. I'm too busy hanging with tons of friends and banging gorgeous women. One day though...

I don't push the envelop...I burned that fucker up a long time ago.

ME + Freedom = Aw shit! (Coming soon...AW SHIT!)

Weird, looked at my life, then the traffic channel. The traffic channel is better than my life...and now I want to jump into traffic. Weird.

I don't use Arm & Hammer. I use Armpit & Side boob, it's cheaper... and tastes better.

If you ever throw a punch like they do on TV, you will get your ass whipped.

Being a good person blows. I need to pimp slap somebody to get some street cred.

If your female meteorologist is smoking hot, please know that I change the channel when a dude comes out.

When the new pope is elected one of the cardinals will come to the window smoking an electronic cigarette. Huh? A joke? I feel silly now...

Teen boys, calm down.

Why do gay people in show business hide it? I was just talking about that with this guy I was banging in the ass....I mean woman...

"Ahahahahaha! I STILL got an Oscar you dickheads!" - Ben Affleck

When we have a Mexican or Female President, do you think bigots will make new signs or just write over the old epithet? #savethetrees

I'd rather eat horse meat straight from a live horse's ass than put together furniture from ikea

"Aaaaah Yeeaah!" - Seth Macfarlane getting blown by a model while sitting on a pile of Family Guy money not caring about getting bad reviews

Being the third wheel on a date sucks...until you find out they're not lesbians, they're bisexual...and you're their toy for the weekend.