"Dear teen boys, we know why you rushed to the bathroom right after the halftime show. I will NOT hi five you during the game." - Everybody

MY boob popped out during the #superbowl halftime show.

Subway is already talking about $6 footlongs. You've been warned...

"I have NOTHING to do with sports. And, instead of begging for things, WORK for them, use the free will I gave you idiots!" - God (via text)

My own country. That's it, I need my own country...

Whispering is scarier than yelling. Even without this knife. Right fellow elevator riders?

Ever put a cup to the wall and listen to people have sex? Ever do it while in the room with them? Ever had two naked strangers beat you up?

Dear interns that bang these ugly old politicians....power isn't THAT attractive. Save your money and buy a freaking vibrator.

I'm getting old....and it sucks. Just kidding, it doesn't suck, but your sister does.

Listen to your heart, let it tell you the right things. If you can't hear stuff, cut a hole in your chest and push a microphone in there.

I have an UNLIMITED supply of boners left, but maybe 5 or 6 inappropriate boners left...so I'm saving those.

Nice girls finish while I'm IN them, THEN I finish because... I'm a nice guy. Also, SOMETIMES I don't charge them. Yup, I'm nice...

Apple just released "S. Anthony Thomas 2". It's faster than the original, comes with more memory and has a new "Who gives a shit?" button.

On THIS date in history, 20 years ago, the same type of crap was happening but we were younger or not born yet.

If you wake your woman up by licking her armpits & she just smiles and puts the OTHER arm behind her head for easy access...she's a keeper.

I give people a quiz to see if we can be friends. They don't know they're taking it...and most fail. I do however take bribes.