A NEW pope!? But....my birthday isn't till October. And I asked for Kelly Rowland!

I like to practice my pickup lines on women that I'm not trying to sleep with because, bwahahahahahaha! Just kidding! I want to sleep with all of you.

"No! YOU have issues!" - Me the day I decide to start talking like a girl.

"Weeeeeeeeeee! Yaaaaay!" - me the day I decide to start talking like a little girl

"Man, shut the fuck up!" - me when I start talking like pissed off me

Life is like a box of chocolates. It will put pimples and dimples on your face and ass. Wait...what?

If a woman has sex with you, in your car, in a church parking lot, marry her in that church...and have a secret laugh. Then do it again.

I put in my application to replace the pope. I don't think they're gonna call back...

Can we stop saying "Jumped the shark" and start saying "that shit just blows" again?

Ted Nugent at the SOTU will really throw the POTUS off his game. I mean to be THAT close to a crazy guy that hates him is so different...

I pleasured myself using dear antler spray and NOW I have dark smudges under my eyes and I can't shut the fuck up.

"Pondering the vastness of the universe, we soon realize how small we are. Know what's not small? My thang, can I lose it in your black hole?" -World's worst pickup line

I'm glad you don't snore, it would ruin the video when I film you sleeping naked. I mean...how was your day dear?


"Oh yeah!?!

"Yeah!"

- Political arguments circa NOW.


Of course I'm qualified to rewire your house. Maybe you've seen my work at the Superbowl this year..I mean...Hello? Hello?