I'm about to get laid! Whoa, never mind, I just hit my hand on the edge of the table. The good lovin' is gonna have to wait...

Sequester = A few hundred people not caring that a few million are getting screwed. Yeah, elections don't matter. Idiots...

"Can I take the ring off BEFORE you crush it?! What are you in a hurry!?!"
-The FORMER Pope

My talking scale just said "Nice ass!". Wait, it said "Nice....ass!". Let's see what it says to this hammer.

LIGHTLY salted potato chips. No.

"Stopping slavery had a dramatic impact on this country's economic growth. It must be reinstated! "
 - Antonin Scalia (Probably, in his head)

Women don't actually sit ON your face, they hover OVER your face. STOP...THE...LIES!

**********

NFL Scout: 
"So...do you like GIRLS?"

Player: 
"Actually, I like WOMEN...BUT I think you just told on YOURSELF"
- MY response if I was a football player

Women don't actually sit ON your face, they hover OVER your face. STOP...THE...LIES!

This is a message from my dead grandparents from the south....
Fuck you Antonin Scalia. Fuck you and EVERYONE like you.


I'm starting a "Recycled Last squeeze in the toothpaste tube" business. Yeah, I create opportunities...

Just ate a Snack Pack Pudding, because I'm really 5 years old.

I want to play "22" in casinos because that's what I keep getting. Just kidding, she's 24.

"I don't need THIS shit!" - Picky flies

Dear Cheesecake Factory restaurant, thanks for all of the sex I had during my early 20's. Your dinners were real "Deal sealers"

I can't wait until my career is big enough to ruin.

Sometimes striking an iron when it's hot...gets us burned. Also, they have foundries to deal with hot metal. What are you an idiot?

I love you just the way you are, nude, horny, covered in sweat and pudding and under me...with plenty of vacation days to waste.

I hope the next President is a Mexican, Lesbian, Atheist. Yeah. I would...fucking...LOVE....that. Extremists would spontaneously combust.

I'm tired of getting mistaken for Bradley Cooper.

Janet Jackson got married a year ago. On the same day one of my neighbors ate a tuna sandwich. I care the same amount about these two things

Why do gay people in show business hide it? I was just talking about that with this guy I was banging in the ass....I mean woman...

I'm not a big fan of popularity contests. I'm too busy hanging with tons of friends and banging gorgeous women. One day though...

I don't push the envelop...I burned that fucker up a long time ago.

ME + Freedom = Aw shit! (Coming soon...AW SHIT!)

Weird, looked at my life, then the traffic channel. The traffic channel is better than my life...and now I want to jump into traffic. Weird.

I don't use Arm & Hammer. I use Armpit & Side boob, it's cheaper... and tastes better.

If you ever throw a punch like they do on TV, you will get your ass whipped.

Being a good person blows. I need to pimp slap somebody to get some street cred.

If your female meteorologist is smoking hot, please know that I change the channel when a dude comes out.

When the new pope is elected one of the cardinals will come to the window smoking an electronic cigarette. Huh? A joke? I feel silly now...

Teen boys, calm down.

Why do gay people in show business hide it? I was just talking about that with this guy I was banging in the ass....I mean woman...

"Ahahahahaha! I STILL got an Oscar you dickheads!" - Ben Affleck

When we have a Mexican or Female President, do you think bigots will make new signs or just write over the old epithet? #savethetrees

I'd rather eat horse meat straight from a live horse's ass than put together furniture from ikea

"Aaaaah Yeeaah!" - Seth Macfarlane getting blown by a model while sitting on a pile of Family Guy money not caring about getting bad reviews

Being the third wheel on a date sucks...until you find out they're not lesbians, they're bisexual...and you're their toy for the weekend.

I'm not a the kind of person who joins a clique. I think they are awful. Also most people aren't good enough to deserve being around me.

I'm going to rob a goodwill store THEN give the shit back to them because only the last thing you do really matters anyway.

Free "Setup and removal"? Don't you dare threaten me furniture store! You will not "Setup" or "Remove" me! Try, and I'll "Restock" your ass!

I don't have a dog. If you try to rob me, I bark, lick myself and sniff people's butts. It's very effective. Also, I do it on weekends.

I want a warning before tampon commercials come on.

Women who don't love giving oral...they do it occasionally because you like it and just go through the motions....no.

Lawyers in television commercials....no.

Guys who over share about their sex lives AFTER you become friends with and thus think of their wives like a sister...no.

Just licked myself. Women are right, I AM yummy!

I really hate politicians now. I'm also ashamed of those who feign ignorance just to advance bigoted, mean spirited agendas. Disgusting.

Imagine if politicians actually helped the public. What would the country be like? The true shame? What I asked sounds like a fairy tale.

Politicians, compassion isn't a sign of weakness, the opposite is true. Also...go fuck yourselves.

Dear people who choose female meteorologists for TV, please find a wife for me. We apparently have the same taste in women. Thanks.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" - me when a lady asked me to get her name tattooed on my arm

"Dear birth control pills that stop women's periods....THANKS!" - My penis (Yes, it talks. Mine is better than yours)

Car commercials, calm down.

"Even hot women can be desperate!" - original working title of The Bachelor

Fucking with broke dreamers" - original title of Shark Tank.

Yeah, he's a homophobe but he's a "Mr. Roper teasing Jack Tripper" type of homophobe....

Wanna get punched in the face by a woman you don't know? Call a woman over 40 a "Broad"...then sit back and enjoy the nose trauma!

Even though sperm banks buy sperm, you can't pay a toll by nutting off into the change slot....apparently that's, "Illegal".

Uh...you do know that you can punish politicians that are evil by voting them out, recalling or impeaching them, right? So.....

Politicians, being a DECENT human being is actually EASIER than being a lying tub of guano. Try it sometime between election riggings, okay?

Gay people SHOULD be able to get married. Cute black comedians SHOULDN'T. (Unless he wants to) (I mean what's the rush?) (Calm down)

I am a forward leaning person. It has NOTHING to do with your low cut top. Huh? I always say "yum yum look at those!" at this time of day.

Download...."Load" tee hee.

Men get turned on watching women eat a banana. Women get turned on when I brush my teeth because I do that before banging them.

It's EASIER to stop being a xenophobic asshat than it is to rig elections and steal electoral votes. Just putting that out there people...

Hey, when does the Ben & Jerry's "Titties and Whipped Cream" flavored ice cream come out? I mean for YOU people. I make mine at home.

Long story short: F. U.

When setting a table, do you put the fork on the left...the right...or do you stop being an ass and just sit down and eat with it?

Second Amendment rights....and lefts and uppercuts and...huh? That's not what it means? Oh. I just embarrassed myself didn't I?

I wish happiness for all couples, but....fuck your home movies.

This look of disgust at your behavior is being presented for the first time in High Definition.

Doing a podcast right can be expensive. So next year I'm going to do a cheap effed up version. Just kidding, I'm going to do porn.

Some people WILL "bite you"...so be careful when you say that crap.

When has a bull ever gotten into a china shop? Exactly. Try making your point without lying old man!

Tomorrow my doctor will put her finger in my butt. Is it normal for a doctor to lick your back and whisper "Yes sweet cocoa, this is mine!"?


I’m thinking of starting a podcast next year. I’m tired of being the only human in America without one.

When I make love the "Six Million Dollar Man" bionic sound effect can be heard for blocks. Yeah, I'm inventive with my mood music...

I only take cabs driven by really old or really fat dudes because sometimes I'd rather use my cash for hookers...said someone else...not me.

My new reality show will be called "If you can see THIS you're stupid!"

Watching these old episodes of Sanford and Son more closely....I'd bet money that aunt Esther did anal.

Why is the skin on my face so smooth? 30 something boob sweat. Yeah, I like this lady.

I don't buy lottery tickets anymore. There's better odds that the stuff on the dollar menu will taste good...but not by much.

I used to trash talk roaches after spraying them with raid. I'm a better person now. Also, I no longer live in shitty places.

I don't need liquid courage, I was born with the "Do what the hell I want" gene. Unless I have a girlfriend and she says not to. I like sex.

Ladies if you won't get nude and let me draw a Wonder Woman outfit on you with food color altered whipped cream, I can't take you seriously.

I got Blockbuster@Home and now a loser security guard is following me around my house to prevent me from stealing shitty movies.

I would watch porn on my tablet, but it would be too much like holding up a magazine... I've been told... by OTHERS... who were NOT me...

I need to take more acting classes, I have yet to convince a lady that my name is "Me Deepupinya"

That "Fibromyalgia" cereal must suck. Everytime I visit my uncle I hear him on the phone yelling about how he doesn't want it anymore.

Dear people on the stand during Law & Order, don't get angry while holding the murder weapon. Didn't you hear the sinister music start!?

Dear teens trying to shoplift, EVERY store in the world has hidden cameras. They see you. Start making better decisions you little dickheads

Stood in the freezing cold for an hour jumping a young relative's car. #worldsbestcousin #notgoingtohavetoeatdogfoodwhenigetold

Why sniff a woman's panties when she has two perfectly good armpits right there? What a sick weirdo that guy is! I'm glad I'm filming this.

The President is golfing with TIGER WOODS!? Oh my God! What is going on!? Just kidding. If you give a shit, get a life.

"Hahahahaha!" - Politicians/CEOS laughing & counting money as Americans argue with each other over unimportant, manufactured differences.

A guy in London throws a bottle at Rihanna because she's still with Chris Brown. If you want his picture, look up "doesn't get irony"

"Don't you ever compare ME to Ted Nugent! Those are fighting words!" - crazy guy pissing on the side of a police car...at a red light

I use the "Calories burned off while banging" chart. Why? Because kickboxing hurts...but I do wear a mouth piece and talcum during both...

Alright illuminati, I'm ready to let you put the chip in my brain. Why? Because to hell with these smartphones and tablets that's why!

You're supposed to throw SALT over your shoulder and NOT hot tea? Oops...and sorry grandma. I didn't see you back there. #dontjudgeme

Yes. T'was I who "dealt it" #carrideapologies

If you actually take "Bold steps", I mean physically step "Boldly", people will laugh and call you an idiot. And not under their breath.

The building. *carnac voice* "Things Mr. Thomas has just left!" *silence* "May you find out your goat cheese isn't cheese, or from a goat!"

My last girlfriend was "Afro pick in her pubic hair" militant. Yup.

We get it EVERY television commercial, tablet computers are popular. You can stop showing them in EVERY shot in EVERY commercial now.

Life is valuable. ALL lives. (But MINE is WAY MORE valuable than yours)

Enough with the special effects movies already! Talking rocks don't cover for a lame script and crappy acting. Nudity does. Uh, more please.

No wrestling in the Olympics!?! Oh...hell no! Just kidding, I just watch the sports with women. I feel sorry for the wrestlers though.

It's surprising how many old white dudes look like Jerry Springer. #playfulracism

I'd love to trapped in a cabin in big bear with Kelly Rowland The only SWAT that would be involved would hopefully be her hand on my ass.

Why is "Butt munch" an insult? Have you seen some of these women's butts? I'd munch on them!

Mrs Obama's arms make me want to go to the gym...and find an accomplished, awesome black woman to marry. Want to know what else makes me feel that way? Everything else.

This is the COOLEST PICTURE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!! (Surpassed only by this picture with ME in it)

A NEW pope!? But....my birthday isn't till October. And I asked for Kelly Rowland!

I like to practice my pickup lines on women that I'm not trying to sleep with because, bwahahahahahaha! Just kidding! I want to sleep with all of you.

"No! YOU have issues!" - Me the day I decide to start talking like a girl.

"Weeeeeeeeeee! Yaaaaay!" - me the day I decide to start talking like a little girl

"Man, shut the fuck up!" - me when I start talking like pissed off me

Life is like a box of chocolates. It will put pimples and dimples on your face and ass. Wait...what?

If a woman has sex with you, in your car, in a church parking lot, marry her in that church...and have a secret laugh. Then do it again.

I put in my application to replace the pope. I don't think they're gonna call back...

Can we stop saying "Jumped the shark" and start saying "that shit just blows" again?

Ted Nugent at the SOTU will really throw the POTUS off his game. I mean to be THAT close to a crazy guy that hates him is so different...

I pleasured myself using dear antler spray and NOW I have dark smudges under my eyes and I can't shut the fuck up.

"Pondering the vastness of the universe, we soon realize how small we are. Know what's not small? My thang, can I lose it in your black hole?" -World's worst pickup line

I'm glad you don't snore, it would ruin the video when I film you sleeping naked. I mean...how was your day dear?


"Oh yeah!?!

"Yeah!"

- Political arguments circa NOW.


Of course I'm qualified to rewire your house. Maybe you've seen my work at the Superbowl this year..I mean...Hello? Hello?

I put plastic on people's asses instead of my couch...because it's MY house! Shut up and put this plastic on your ass Damn it!

Are news people THAT nosy and oblivious when they get home? "So, what did the third fart smell like...EXACTLY?"

If women could get pregnant via the butt, I'd have 50 kids by now.

My tablet computer started rubbing it's fingers all over ME. I can see why they like it so much!

Not EVERY kiss begins with Kay, but plenty of anal has begun with S. Yup. I'm "S"...and I like da lady booty.

There are small ads in the dimples on my cheeks because...you can't stop looking at them and I like money.

Yeah, I put ketchup on my baked potatoes! Does that make me a freak? STOP STARING AT ME!!!!!!

Dear moron who ran the STOP sign and almost killed me... and my Uncle. You know what you did. An experienced driver can tell the difference between someone who has made an honest mistake, someone who was distracted, and someone who is being an impatient asshole. You sir, fell into the last group. You ALMOST snuffed out two good people. Shame on you. You'll never see this...but it needed to be said.

I forgive you. But, I hope Karma bones you in the ass daily...

I hold the door for men AND women, but only say "Damn, I bet that tastes good!" under my breath when WOMEN walk pass.

Dear inventor of the smoothie, you deserve a Nobel peace prize.

"Why are you ALWAYS being a dick to people?" - S. Anthony makes the Devil feel bad for being an asshole

Ladies, no need for makeup. I like my ladies the way they were born. Naked, screaming and hung upside down by giants wearing masks.

I get scared when old white ladies walk behind me in a alleys...

You can shoot people who won't immediately stop smoking in your car, right?

I actually take glasses and hit people with them.

I haven't had pizza in a LONG time. If someone said "Pizza OR Sex?", I'd pick sex. I mean, sex is better and I'm straight. Who'd pick pizza?

"Dear teen boys, we know why you rushed to the bathroom right after the halftime show. I will NOT hi five you during the game." - Everybody

MY boob popped out during the #superbowl halftime show.

Subway is already talking about $6 footlongs. You've been warned...

"I have NOTHING to do with sports. And, instead of begging for things, WORK for them, use the free will I gave you idiots!" - God (via text)

My own country. That's it, I need my own country...

Whispering is scarier than yelling. Even without this knife. Right fellow elevator riders?

Ever put a cup to the wall and listen to people have sex? Ever do it while in the room with them? Ever had two naked strangers beat you up?

Dear interns that bang these ugly old politicians....power isn't THAT attractive. Save your money and buy a freaking vibrator.

I'm getting old....and it sucks. Just kidding, it doesn't suck, but your sister does.

Listen to your heart, let it tell you the right things. If you can't hear stuff, cut a hole in your chest and push a microphone in there.

I have an UNLIMITED supply of boners left, but maybe 5 or 6 inappropriate boners left...so I'm saving those.

Nice girls finish while I'm IN them, THEN I finish because... I'm a nice guy. Also, SOMETIMES I don't charge them. Yup, I'm nice...

Apple just released "S. Anthony Thomas 2". It's faster than the original, comes with more memory and has a new "Who gives a shit?" button.

On THIS date in history, 20 years ago, the same type of crap was happening but we were younger or not born yet.

If you wake your woman up by licking her armpits & she just smiles and puts the OTHER arm behind her head for easy access...she's a keeper.

I give people a quiz to see if we can be friends. They don't know they're taking it...and most fail. I do however take bribes.