Forget about the President's "Kill list". I think MY "Future booties to slurp" list is more fun to read. Am I right?

The head nurse at my uncle's physical rehab place is so gorgeous, I'm surprised that there aren't mass deaths whenever she walks by.

Have you ever seen someone so attractive that you knew the minimum time you'd spend licking them is 60 minutes? I mean besides me...


You can't use a fishing rod to catch members of the opposite sex...apparently.

Sugar substitute is a great product to use when avoiding sugar and also to tell if your crack whore is really a crack whore...or a damned LIAR!

Universal remote controls are the Walmart of remote controls. (Admit it, I'm a fucking genius)

Michelle Obama thanked me personally in an email, yeah, I'm better than YOU! What do you mean FORM EMAIL!?! Haters!

Did you know that Julia Louis Dreyfus has a net worth of 2.9 billion? Sorry Oprah, you AREN'T the richest woman I've pleasured myself to.

Quality OVER quantity applies to friends too.