Dear criminals, there are these things called CAMERAS everywhere. Now is a good time to stop being pieces of sh*t.

My last relationship was a false flag operation.

Dirty jokes:

Beautiful women taste like strawberries. To be honest It may have something to do with the strawberry preserves I spread on their butts.

Wow....just... WOW! - Women right after banging me

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to...I was going to say something profound but screw that! Boobs boobs boobs!!!!

I told the barista at Starbucks that my name was Supermeat McVagstretcher. My coffee is ALWAYS free.

My comfort food just called me the "N" word.

My stalker is using a subcontractor. I can see a difference in quality. Who uses a stencil to write "You're mine!" in blood on a driveway?

When I watch cable news, it makes me long for the good old days when you had to become ill or extremely old BEFORE you went crazy or senile.

I can't wait until smartphones get IMAX® screens so I can start sending people "Dick Picks"

Shoot for greatness in your life. Bang me.

I NORMALLY don't feed trolls, but these bulging soup cans and raw chicken should really go to someone who'll appreciate them. Eat up trolls!

Karma is a bitch...to YOU. I've actually had some productive conversations with her and well... we're dating now. See? Talking it out works!

I don't choose to be offended by EVERYTHING because I'm not a huge d-bag. I'm talking to YOU cable news talking heads and talk radio hosts.

My ex used to say my balls were salty but she said NOTHING about the barbecue sauce and the stir fried veggies on them. Insensitive witch!

I pass for white. In other news, I only make friends with stupid people.

"Why the hell do you keep staring at my girl man?"
- Rick Springfield's friend Jesse

I vote with my wallet....because the person in the booth before me picks his nose and I'm not touching that shit.

Do they STILL draw chalk outlines around bodies? Where are the security camera blind spots? Does sound travel in here? Huh? Never mind why!

I liked the good old days when I scared babies. Now they all love me. Guess I'll have to start doing shit to make the parents scared of me.

Some bad stuff happened or didn't, we don't know. But we're going to report it ANYWAY.
-CNN


CNN Reports that I'm an old white woman. So it MUST be TRUE!

Oh shit, the President sounded like ME at his press conference....minus the "Fuck those cowards" part of course.

#USSenate

Breaking! Senate DOESN'T have enough votes to pass the "Don't push grandparents down the steps for fun" bill. Film at 11!

Breaking! A pissed off President Obama storms off after press conference, finds Joe Wilson and pimp slaps him. Film at 11!


"Whoa whoa whoa! DON'T slander OUR profession by calling THEM whores TOO!"
- Whores find out about the Senate vote and distance themselves

Why does the TSA agent have to lick your neck while squeezing your butt? Also, why is this agent not in uniform and in my house?

If you make a product and selling it at the dollar store was your first choice....I'm not buying that shit no matter what it is.

A moment for Boston

I was giving a family member a ride and turned on the radio to hear news about the tragedy at the Boston Marathon. As the host spoke, he drew us in with his kind words about the victims and families of the victims.

Then...

Within 15 seconds, this "Man" went from The Boston Marathon to Benghazi to insulting and blaming the President. Really? Really pal? The tears are STILL on the faces of friends and family. The blood is STILL on the victims. The horror is STILL fresh for the nation....and you spent 15 seconds on the tragedy and the rest of the time making cheap, inaccurate, political points....or so you think. Some people have no shame. The intentionally ignorant, the bigoted, those that lack humanity and compassion are the only people that gave you the "head nods" and "Right on buddy" that you sought.

They are NOT the majority sir. If you wish to understand what the MAJORITY of us are like, look at the people running TOWARD the explosions. These people were NOT concerned with the political affiliation, skin color, or race of the victims. They just knew PEOPLE needed help. And that's what they did and do. THAT'S who WE are sir. WE don't see times like these as opportunities for pushing the bullshit agenda of our corporate pimps. But, I guess that's why you are you and the rest of us...the MAJORITY of humans, don't like or listen to you or people like you.

How could we?

Also, fuck off.

(I feel comfortable speaking for many as I say that our thoughts and hearts go out to those hurt and killed in Boston as well as their friends and families.)

Remember when you thought people cared about what you thought? Bwahahahaha! Yeah, you were stupid then...


Men like their boobs slurped too ladies. Just putting it out there...

"NIGGER!"

- Racist

"Bwahahahahahaha! Nice try."

- Me

"Nothing Huh?"

-Racist

"I'll be fucking you up now."

- Me

"Crap."

- Racist

"She's only with you for your money!"

- Hater to rich guy

"Who cares? We're fucking!"

- Rich guy

Celebrities, hire people that will be honest with you. Ask them if you're stupid. If they say "Yes", don't talk so much and NEVER tweet.

All good things must come to an end, too bad those things are no longer good when you actually get to the end.

"I'm not fair, I won't give you anything and quite frankly, I don't even notice you, but if you figure out how I work, you get almost anything you want..."

- The World

I hope one of your personalities makes up their mind...

A camera behind the mirror above the bed? Could you possibly come up with a worse angle to see an ass?

If you're not sure if your wife is STILL pissed at you when you come home...you have Schrödinger's cock.


I just talked a rabid dog into turning itself in.

Yeah, I'm better than you....

I'm writing a song about my cheating ex called I HIT IT 25TH.

I wish female construction workers would STOP yelling "Nice Dick" at me as I walk pass. Is it too much for them to yell "Nice BIG dick"?

I hope that I don't write something here that offends any of you because I really care how you feel about...bwahahahahahaha! I tried.

Dear future wife, two words, endless love. Two more words, always faithful. Two more words, daily banging. Two more words, the butt.

I'm not mad at you, I'm not talking to you as much because you don't mean as much to me anymore. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

If we break up, I don't want to be your friend. I'm good for a moving smile and wave combo though. Sorry. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

A lack of respect for me leads to a lack of any access to me.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone

Your dreams are like a baby, keep sick people (haters, negative motherfuckers) away or it'll get sick too.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone


I love Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's type restaurants. It's funny how life works. When you're young, you take dates to those places. When you're older you take dates to expensive places, then you get married/live with someone and your ass is back at Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's again.

So why not just keep eating there dammit!?!

I can smell your armpit farts.

I have a love/hate relationship with tofu as well.

The tracking cookies on my computer just called me the N word...but it's okay, they have black friends and dated a black lady in high school.


No matter how healthy and fit I get, I’m STILL going to eat pizza during football on Sundays.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!

My mom just whipped me for making a twerk video.


She's out of MY league? Really? Well fuck you, I wasn't drafted, I got on the team as a walk on. And right now, I'm playing on her field.

Porn actors seem ANGRY when they have sex in movies. What’s with all of the violence?

On the other hand, I’m quite happy when I’m in the vagina of any woman that I’m involved with. Yup. HAPPY! HAPPY! JOY! JOY!

(Editors note: S. Anthony has never seen a porno movie and is a virgin)

(S. Anthony’s note: The editor is a d-bag….I’ve been with hot women. Yeah! Super hot! *sits down on a broken chair and eats spaghetti out of a can over a sink full of dirty dishes* I’m the man!)

Don't ever question my manhood....without it's lawyer present.

Whoever said "Quitting is NOT an option!", never tried to do any really hard shit...

It's NOT about the number of followers/friends etc that you have, it's about the few of those that GIVE A SHIT. Only YOU know THAT number...

Keep your friends close and your enemies far away from you. Why the hell would you want those assholes close to you? That saying is stupid.


Mama...I killed a man. Put a gun against his head pulled the trigger, now he's....

...are you recording THIS old woman? *sinister music*

I tailgate other pedestrians bottomless.

It's your word against my baseball bat...

I'm thinking of suing the owners of "Pocket Hose"....because, well...that's MY nickname. Yeah...

If your computer slows down, it doesn't like you.

It's only OVERacting if the other actors DON'T suck too.

Dear rich people who want to do GOOD things, outbid the people who do bad things so YOU can own the whores in the Government. #justathought

I want someone to put subtitles under me so you can tell I'm cursing you out under my breath.

North Korea. I'm so afraid of you, I'm stocking up on ketchup packets and cans of spam. Come to think of it, eating THAT shit would kill me.

Iced coffee was probably invented by the same contrarian that created fat free ice cream.

The guys who set prices at the pawn shops and all night convenience stores would kill each other for ridiculous price supremacy if they met.

I just watched Charlie's Angels on cable...
Bosley is getting some.
Trust me.

"Thanks for NOTHING!"
- People who got NOTHING and aren't happy about it


If you only stalk me on twitter... you don't REALLY care.
- People even crazier than their stalkers

Dear people trying to get away with stuff...someone, somewhere is recording you.