Rick Santorum is a racist piece of sh...shopping cart. That's what I meant.

Dear voters, when you give people power and they immediately begin fucking you over...don't keep doing that. You're welcome.

24/7. Ladies, that's how long we want to be in you. There, I said it. You don't have to wonder anymore. You're welcome.

Dear gorgeous women that insert sex toys...may I suggest you use something larger...and attached to me as an alternative?

The lady in the T-Mobile commercial is hot! In other news, I just saw the lady in the prepaid phone commercial....uh, let's just say, Hep C.

Too bad Proactiv® can't clear up pretentiousness too.

If you're having an affair and a bunch of fat guys in a van are following you everywhere...you're going to be on Cheaters. You're welcome.

Ladies, raise your hands if you didn't know about my shaved armpit fetish....

...aw yeah...keep them just like that....

*takes picture*


Waitress, I just went and "effed" myself like you suggested...I don't see how that's going to solve my problem. I still need the salt.

"Put that anywhere."
- Hookers

How trustworthy am I? Women let me tie them up on the first date and BELIEVE I'm coming back after I bang them and leave with their purses.

Wear WOMEN'S underwear, me? I didn't break into those places and steal those panties just to put them on and stretch them out! I mean, what?

If your girlfriend likes DECAF, don't dip your genitals in regular coffee, you're just asking to be rejected.

 No one gives a shit. See, now that you know that, life is a little easier isn't it?

I DID NOT win the Mega Millions jackpot. Well, send my mail to Monte Carlo, I'll be in the gold plated house full of bisexual nymphos.

I don't do "One night stands". If I get in there, much like rats in an attic, I'm not leaving until I'm good and ready, or you get annoying

...it was at THAT point that I realized I trusted her enough to sleep with her, but not enough to engage in her "Ball shaving" fetish...

Bigots in the media are popping up like it's a bad carnival's "Whack a mole" game. The mallets? Truth, knowledge, and compassion. Use them.

Learning not to expect much from others...

....it does a psyche good...

**********

I think the Easter bunny is mad. Those are NOT chocolate eggs that it left behind. Also, It has a gun pointed at you..

Plastic fork, hot food...yet it works. Yeah, mysteries...

I hate when a lady walking down the street thinks you're hitting on her just because you're licking your window and pointing at her.

Robert Zimmerman...the lying guano pile that George Zimmerman oozed from.

Really? THIS is supposed to be The President? Well, maybe if Mike Judge drew him…

Officer, the sign says no RIGHT turns on red, as you can see, I made a LEFT turn. Don't believe me? Wake up the guy I hit and ask him.

See what happens when you give people lifetime jobs, with massive power, in a corrupt system? #supremecourt

Now that we've protested the "Government takeover of healthcare", let's protest inserting things into unwilling women! Hey! Come back!

I have finally, after months of hard work, filled my spray bottle with house cat sweat. Guy who won't wipe off the gym equipment...it's on!

Dear people of ALL colors, S. Anthony loves you. If you're a woman, S. Anthony ALSO wants to get it on with you daily. Yup.

...not when you're on your period though.

Breaking News! Government officials will be stationed at the polls with a paper bag....for a certain test. Yes black people...it's back.

Boobs taste good, even WITHOUT the pepper jack cheese.
(How to save calories during sex)

I'm an only child...in 5...4...3...

Your sisters, bet I don't eat just one.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, but indifference, you've got to heat that shit up.

Dear employer who may in the future make me log into my Facebook account as a condition of being hired...your oldest kid really belongs to the Mailman. I also nailed your wife. And you Mrs. Lady employer, The same Mailman nailed your husband. Bet you're sorry that you invaded my account now aren't ya?

Ever see someone so yummy that you didn't WANT to get it on with them...you NEEDED to get it on with them? You're welcome. Untie me please.

Ladies, you're not the only ones who can violently pull on your nipples and say Mmmm during sex. Check and mate. *sticks out tongue*

As effortless as it is for me to express myself, it would be very hard for me to tell you how much I hate Rush Limbaugh's antics...

The Supreme C-whore-t.

Did you know that "Blah blah blah" was short for "Blow me three times this week please? Ok, that's not true, but let's make people think it.

Did you know that "Blah blah blah" was short for "Blow me three times this week please? Ok, that's not true, but let's make people think it.

Grandpa give us horse rides on his knee. He later lost that leg. Coincidence, or old people should let me ride them until I want to stop?

Is there really such a dearth of people that aren't pieces of shit that we can't find any to be judges and politicians?

"Hey cable news AND talk radio, I'm a smart black man. BOO!"

Why do Billionaires on the right hate gays so much? Is that hunky bartender STILL not returning your calls? Awwwww. Keep trying.

Security guard at the dollar store...got your uniform HERE didn't you?

Women think it's weird when you want to do things to their butts, until you do. After that, get used to them entering the room backwards.

Yes new ASSHOLE boyfriend of my ex, I'm the reason that you can't surprise her in bed. Sorry, we did EVERYTHING. Enjoy perpetually being #2!

If crooked politicians only blocked my right to vote on restaurants, color patterns and how she looks in that dress, I'm cool with that.

Hey, there's my luck! I'm going over there to see what happens if I push it...

Santa is dead. Look, when my neighbor puts up a sign that says "Christmas ONLY" on his chimney....he's NOT kidding.

Just upped my weights, I’m tired…but…you may think I’m crazy…I’d swear that my weights called me the “N” word on rep 9 to motivate me.

Only I can make not liking people look THIS good.

I want to own a Fake News channel where I can make up shit about people that I don't like. My first show? The S.Anthony's ex is a skank show

The saying is Shit...Shower...Shave for a reason. Remember that. Also, no you're not getting in my car again.

You'd figure that a car so expensive that you'd want to take up two parking places, would have a more scratch resistant paint. Well, I guest he didn't spring for the "pissed off woman who had to walk an extra 100 yards with two mischievous kids carrying metal objects" package. Oh well...

Whoa! You do anal, but you WON'T let me have my way with your armpit fat!?! You're weird...and this relationship is OVER!
- Things no one has ever said

She's less of FAN and more of a VACUUM.

Stars, a question...reality show or dancing competition? Your answer tells us all how far you've fallen...

Self help books burn pretty easily. Apparently pretentiousness is an accelerant. That being said, tell your mom to be more careful when she smokes.

Dear old racist guy that used the "N" word because he didn't see me...I'm going to ask your daughter to call me that while I'm in her.

I would soooooo powerbang "The Nanny"

Tiger has begun winning. I was wondering why this waitress said "Nah, keep your tip baby!"

I would love to see a tow truck with “The Boot” on all four of it’s tires.

I want to “Flour Bomb” Kim K. (Editors Note: I’m really saying that I want to have sex with her)