I'm selling bootleg copies of the SOPA bill overseas. TRY AND STOP ME YA BASTIDS!!!!!!!

If you read the fine print in The Constitution, you'll find that it's legal to punch people in the face for saying "Blah blah blah" while you're talking to them. FYI.


Ignore THIS post, I'm just testing this pen. hgxcmvfhc;jxhgxxjxjxjccxxztetsy9ov
Yup. It works.

Dear smokers, that shit is killing you. Just thought you should know. Also, when you die...I am going to bang the crap out of your wives.

Breaking! Snopes.com proves that S. Anthony Thomas is really a gorgeous Asian woman...

Spotify, may I introduce you to my friend YouTube? I know. It's awkward...but, she allows me to SEE things. There are NO LIMITS with her. She's FREE. NO, not CHEAP! Free! You see? THIS is why we CAN'T be together. You interrupt me with your commercials and...it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm going to YouTube's house to watch funny animals and drunk dudes fighting. GOODBYE...

This year at the Grammy's, Rick Santorum and Marcus Bachmann!!! Take THAT Eminem and Elton John!

If only we could CHOOSE our families. Nah, come to think of it, I CHOSE my last girlfriend. My family had better not fake a pregnancy too!

"Lucy" is about to "pull that football" away from Rick Santorum. Enjoy.

I'm starting a cult where nothing changes in peoples lives, except occasionally, hot women get it on with me. I'm setting my sights low.

I call my first cup of coffee "Tamika" instead of "Joe" like everyone else does. I prefer having some hot brown "Tamika" in my mouth. Just saying...

The funny thing about Hollywood...in 3 years people will be PISSED if Gervais DOESN'T diss them. They'll be sitting up front begging for it!

Dear young female relatives, as your elder, it's my job and my pleasure to tell any future boyfriend about his disembowelment if you're hit.

Celebrity Apprentice? No. That "dog whistle" birther stuff put you on my permanent "go bleep yourself" list.

Pepper spray....for when you have an upset stomach and your teen cousins take too long doing their makeup in the bathroom.

Well... I WAS right. The sign says "NO TURN ON RED" and not "Turn on red if there is an impatient moron behind you" I feel vindicated.


Spoiler Alert: Pat Robertson, here's ANOTHER message from God,
 "Paaaaat....You're an irrelevant, disingenuous phony. Shut the hell up."

Newt Gingrich, the worlds UGLIEST vindictive ex girlfriend.

I sang Happy Birthday to my little cousin yesterday and just got a bill from the record industry for $7! Damn you big government!!!!

I apologize in advance for this. Rick Santorum has NEVER had his balls slowly & lovingly slurped. It's hard to be such a douche after THAT.

*after beating up 5 guys by himself* "Hey, I'm a MONK, not a PUNK!" Yeah, you're welcome bad action movie script writers. That ones on me.

My 70 yr old uncle saw me playing with my cousin's kitten and innocently said "Damn S., you're ALWAYS playing with that pussy!" WIN. (True)

"It's okay to shut the hell up sometimes."
-What I'm thinking when people I DON'T KNOW talk for more than 15 seconds in an elevator

If I was famous, you'd "like" THIS post even though I'm not saying a damned thing. Okay YOU wouldn't...but THAT guy would. SEE, HE JUST DID IT! I'm NOT famous YET dude! Ha!


Someone asked if I'm "African" or "American" first.
My Reply? "I'm S. Anthony first...and that's the ONLY label I'll begrudgingly accept"


"Google+ Experiencing Massive Membership Growth!"
- Google+'s mom

Exit poling shows that 46.5% of Santorum voters are confused fans of the underground Iowa band "Fecal Froth"

If Romney, Paul & Santorum tie...they should be forced to perform the Three Stooges' "Niagara Falls" routine.

Ya really DON'T know who you're voting for yet Iowa? REALLY?

Hey S., leave (insert politician) alone! I like you but you're making me mad! *I just trolled MYSELF. Yeah, I'm FULL service. Jealous?*

Wait, if this law passes, I'd have to be IN the state of New Jersey to gamble? Nah, nevermind. Not worth it. (Just fucking with my buddies)

My ego is constructed of a new lightweight and more efficient material. I can NOW happily survive on "validation FUMES" ONLY. Jealous?

....*awkward silence*...okay, no one else got the email about wearing see thru codpieces huh?  I can still stay, right? Cool.

Breaking! Frothy mix of lube and fecal matter SUES ALL search engines for slandering it by lumping it in with RICK Santorum Film at 6 & 11!

I just beat a spammer over the head with a telemarketer. Yes... I am your HERO!

Self...cleaning....Fleshlight. MY prediction for 2012

"If he buys dinner, he's IN. If he DOESN'T and her ex boyfriend calls, the EX BOYFRIEND is in!" - NFL analysts doing color on a dating show

"Dear PIMPS, you are NOW unnecessary!" - Ad campaign for new smartphone that has condom dispenser and stun gun attachments.

Dear older female relatives, PLEASE STOP cornering me in your houses and telling me about your FUTURE home repairs. Thanks.

Dear older MALE relatives, I see you laughing because I'm stuck listening to this mess. Enjoy the dog food in home I'm picking for you.

(Insert lame attempt to flirt with ladies...I mean really lame, you know..."oh shit, why can't I erase this now?" lame)