Watching this new congress begs the question...STILL happy about your vote or lack thereof?

Oligarchy + Public Awareness = Anarchy

Whoa, Scott Walker, "taking candy from a baby" isn't to be taken LITERALLY! Man, I thought he'd stop at just ripping off the unions...

Eric Cantor + Tim Pawlenty + Dick Cheney's brain + Centrifuge = Scott Walker #wiuinion

I want people to get points on their license for using their horns to be an even BIGGER a-hole than they normally are.

"I have collected ALL of the hand lotion NOT used for self pleasuring in THIS container!" -the invention of the thimble

Planet Hollywood uses it's profits to subsidize ass implants for young starlets....so EAT UP!! #fakewebrumors

Hi, TV censors...it's S. Anthony. We should be able to talk about anything on TV that EVERYBODY does, okay? Relax. Thanks.

Ah, the lost art of shutting the hell up....

Did YOU know that chocolate pudding tastes good even when it's NOT spread on a lady's boobs? Go figure...

People who are about to try drugs like Meth and crack for the first time.....REALLY? STILL? You don't pick up on things quickly do you?

It's not my birthday until October, but it would be nice if everyone greeted me by saying "hello delicious" from now on. No, YOU'RE weird!

Google Siberia Qaddafi, because that's where you're goi...huh? Nevermind, Siberia just called. They don't want your crazy ass either.

"The people have spoken!" only applies when they agree with US. - Congress & Scott Walker #wiuinon

Karma, if ever there was a time for you to start being a bitch...IT'S NOW!
Libya is THAT way...Say hello to Qaddafi for EVERYONE please!

20 years from now all of these teens will be hard of hearing because of their MP3 players. SUCK IT telemarketers!!!

Ladies, why do I love your delicious bottoms (and every other part too, let's keep it real) so much? Oh yeah, the feel & taste. Nevermind.

Hey LifeLock®, if you REALLY want to make money, start a service that guards against bad relationship choices. I'd pay $15 monthly for that!

I'm thinking of GAINING 200 pounds so I can be on "The Biggest Loser". Well, it's easier than pitching a series idea to idiots.

So, prime time game shows...you STILL haven't figured out that people stop watching when you have celebrity contestants on huh? Ooookay....

There's LUBRICANT in contact lens solution? Damn! I thought I was into some weird stuff! Eye sex! Ew...huh? It just for...oh. Nevermind.

If anyone didn't know, Rahm Emmanuel curses sometimes.

S. Anthony says... (Idea thieves)

Idea, tweet, tumblr thieves fascinate me. It's like stealing from the public library. HELLO...PEOPLE ALLOW YOU TO RE-BLOG, RE-POST, RE-TWEET! They WANT you to. Do these imbeciles think that they're impressing someone? I write several hundred jokes per day, NONE of which I post online. I just post some quick jokes and thoughts here for fun, yet I was highly offended when someone that had just retweeted a previous thing of mine followed that up with stealing THE VERY NEXT THING THAT I WROTE!

What happens if you steal enough ideas to make you SEEM interesting? We (people with morals and the capacity to write our own material) won't be with you when you're on that hot date. You know, the hottie that found you so funny and charming because of "Your" wit, "Your" knowledge of current events, "Your" intelligence. Enjoy the look of disappointment when the she and the world realize what you really are...a thief and a fraud.

(FYI, I can write 3-500 jokes per day...so by the time you read it, have someone tell you what it means so you can THEN laugh at it, retype it and then post it...I've written 3-5 more. Suck it!)

My ex is protesting outside of my house for more of my "you know what" But I won't budge. I had to make drastic cuts.

I'm jealous of my ex's new guy... the wonderful feeling of relief he's going to have when he "wakes up" and drops her. Yeah, good times.

My ex was asked "How low can you go?" MORE often than a peripatetic, undefeated limbo champion. Thank you, good night! #cornyonpurpose

Forget about the apple not falling far from the tree, Gadhafi is proof that the turd doesn't fall far from the anus.

I must REALLY focus in on the porn and ignore the adverts... I JUST found out what a FLESHLIGHT is. YES I DID JUST FIND OUT!

Breaking Fake News! Congressional go unmailed due to lack of saliva. It was used instead to express their feelings for the middle class.

Bad news, there is NO liquid pretty in Proactiv® .

Adult diapers, female toplessness...if we can ALL agree to rid ourselves of silly stigmas...TITTIES & all day couch sittin' for EVERYBODY!!!

At a former job we did political surveys. They are easy to manipulate.
(I didn't). F*ck surveys. Do research and make up YOUR OWN MIND.

Hey, guys who shorten "Baby" to "Ba.." when calling your lady, just finish the word! I hope she only lets you put the tip in tonight!

There are times when a person DOESN'T feel like talking, it is important in those instances for people to STFU and leave them alone.

Blow people up...NOTHING changes. Peaceful protests with solid message and persistence...the world is WITH you. Will this lesson sink in?

When does the gold digger impregnating competition start? #AllStarGame

"Dictator" *peter griffin laugh* "Dic"-tator. Well, I'm ready for my morning radio and cable news shows after that, right?

My female twitter followers are smart, beautiful and talented...so just to let you know, when my fame hits...I will sleep with my lady twitter followers FIRST, THEN reality show ladies. Quality FIRST I say!

I just looked at the FULL sized version of my AVI. I'm STILL cute, but not like when I was in my teens and early twenties...that's why I got it on with myself so often then...said someone else...who IS NOT ME.

It's President's day Monday. In honor of the holiday, the FIRST 43 people that come into MY house must be old white guys.

Hi next lady that I sleep with after my self imposed hiatus...You're welcome. Yes, I am making up for lost time.

Rugged individualism and societal compassion CAN co-exist, those that say that they can't are LYING, MISINFORMED or HAVE AN AGENDA.

Boehner to Obama "Keep your friend out of WI..." America to Boehner "Keep YOUR friends out of women's uteruses" #wiunion

If the WI protests are scary to them, imagine if there were MILLIONS of Native Americans left...ohhhh, THEY'D be in real trouble! #wiunion

When kicking people when they're down isn't enough, they stomp them when they're lying in a hole. #congress #wiunion

"Yeah! Cut ALL of THEIR stuff from the budget! Yeah! Wait? Now you're cutting MY stuff!?! Wait!" - The near future for xenophobic voters

If your tattoo is on your boobs or butt, YES I want to see it! Why did you even bother to ask that!?!

Guys that say to women with big chests "Got Milk?" thinking it's funny... it's okay to follow them into an alley and body slam them, right?

My "Lady Killer" buddy just did the math, he's been with MORE women, but I've had MUCH MORE sex because I'm a "relationship guy". Ha! WIN!

I'm sorry sir, there are no seats left on this train to the wrong side of history. Congress took ALL of the seats.

Saw the neighbor's cat chase a squirrel up a tree, then I had to get the cat for her cute little kid. I'm going to kick that squirrel's ass.

How long until there's a WI protest episode of "Glee"? Quickly followed by a surge in TV sales after millions shoot their TV screens...

Congress DOESN'T like YOU. What, YOU'RE rich and powerful? Well they like YOU...but the rest of you mofos...nope. Thought you should know.

60 mph wind blew trash all over. You know what that means, right? TRASH BAG FIGHT! *POW* Oh, sorry... I should have recycled those bottles.

"Just because someone is screwing you, DOESN'T mean they LIKE you!" - My grandma's bicep tattoo

DON'T put people in a job that requires them to live up to a HIGHER standard...and then NOT hold them to that standard. Aka STOP VOTING FOR LYING ASSHOLES! Ok?

The great thing about the omnipresence of the Internet, someone is ALWAYS recording when politician's craziness bubbles to the surface.

After my drive home today, I'm convinced that school children WANT to be run over.

Right now I feel an almost overwhelming love for ALL of human kind. I'm going to turn on cable news so I can put and end to that sh!t.

When I start sleeping with famous women...I'M NOT TELLING ANYBODY A DAMNED THING! Did you hear that famous women? I'll say NOTHING!

Clarence Thomas...treating lady liberty like he allegedly treaded Anita Hill. (Allegedly) I love that word. Allegedly. No I really do...

Much like NASCAR America keeps going around in circles...unfortunately it keeps making EXTREME right turns.

If you cheat on your spouse you get on DAYTIME TV (Maury), if she kills you, you move up to PRIME TIME (20/20 etc)...things are looking up!

Tragedies as entertainment, welcome to Friday night TV. (Good lord, I need to finish writing this show so I can go on the freakin' road)