"I'm usually thinking of the dessert toppings that I'd cover your bottom with." - Me when asked what I'm thinking when watching a lady's ass.

Now that Mubarak is gone, what am I to do with these rolls of toilet paper and this flaming bag of poo? - Random guy in Egypt

Me + fighting couple in my car = that light pole looks really good right now.

Room service bill...release form, what's the difference? Just sign and let's go. No need to read it...

You are NOT the President! - Maury talking to Hosni Mubarak

Damn, Hosni Mubarak is outside asking if we have a spare room...

"Forget jobs, tell me MORE about EVERY woman's cervix and gay people! that'll feed my family!" - Voters (If you're a delusional politician)

Remember this, it's bounce a quarter on an EMPTY bed...in YOUR house. Don't ask.

"Do I look like the kind of person that...." <---If you've said or heard this phrase, you will be available again soon.

Wet nurse meet my dry mouth.

Uh oh, organized brown people... - Congress, AZ, Talk radio, Cable news...#egypt

Those weren't blanks and you're not just getting fat.

Voyeurism, shame and other words that today's society is rapidly making moot tonight at 11 on Eyewitness news!

Is there any way to cancel this long running show "Culture Wars" that I see on TV all of the time? We deserve better programming, right?

Valentines day is coming up, it's almost time to hand wash melted chocolate out of your underwear.

FUN FUn Fun fun fu.

Ladies, STOP with the butt implants. If you want to put SOMETHING into your buttocks...I'm available!!! I love to give, It's what I do.

Can we ALL just acknowledge that we went from wimps to nutcases in congress? I mean really...

I'm going to audit the "How NOT to get it" class taught by Hosni Mubarak at the learning Annex.

It's amazing how hot a woman looks when she's buying things at the home repair store. It's a real turn on knowing you don't have to do that sh!t.

Congress IS working on jobs. With less protection of our air, water, food and medicines MORE people will die thus less jobless. GENIUS!!!

Laziness is an addition just like drugs. Right now I'm shooting up "eat Chinese food and watch American Idol" I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT TO!!

Hey photographers for major magazines, thanks for airbrushing the delicious texture out of all of the women's skin. Who needs NATURAL, kissable, lickable, nibble-able, rub your nose on-able, press as close to me as possible at all times-able skin that they were born with? Please, let's have more of that eerily smooth, plastic, phony glow having skin. It's a real turn on. Dumbasses!!

Breaking fake news! Sandman Sims from The Apollo in Harlem is on a plane to Egypt. Mubarak's time is almost over. Film @ 11!

Sorry ladies, if you want to see shirtless middle aged married white guys you're going to have to go someplace else. - #newcraigslistslogan

I don't do revenge, I do replace.

Some GOP that refused their healthcare are finding out how tough it can be. Wait until they find out that they have to be in blackface too.

Making love to a smoker is like thrusting your penis into an ashtray for 30 min and... yeah, you're right. The original version is better.

Energy Committee Chair Fred Upton Denies Human Role In Climate Change & suggests that doctors stop washing their hands between surgeries.

If ab crunches were a person, they'd have a red suit, a pitchfork and have a tail. Using THAT description, I think I dated ab crunches.

Don't fall asleep with your mouth open after taking fish oil tablets if you have a cat. Also, don't rub the tablets on your nipples.

If WE can tell that a movie is going to blow by just watching the commercial...c'mon movie companies! Too lazy to set the film on fire!?!

Imagine if "Fair minded, intelligent, NON racist/homophobic/sexist" people HERE had the balls AND fortitude of the Egyptian people...

Ranch dressing. It's... just wrong.

When your lady starts critiquing your compliments...GET OUT! The next step is "Accidental" elbows to the throat in your sleep. Trust me!

I have a 50 pound bag of salt in my basement, it had better snow again soon or I'm making homemade ice cream!

No need to go to DC anymore lobbyists, just set up a Paypal account and buy your congressmen off of craigslist online.

Apparently by constantly having sex with my stalkers I'm "encouraging them". Why is the system so against the black man!?!

I don't drink or do drugs, but I would love to overdose on MILFs right now.

How long can YOU hold back vomit, when during GUY TALK an uncle starts talking about sex stuff and it dawns on you he did THIS to your AUNT?

I don't want to date Halle Berry anymore.

I am dreading any groupon.com commercial for any product that costs $911 or $9.11.

She knew that the stripper pole in her bedroom was NOT authentic when NO trace of hepatitis was found...

"I'll have what he's having" - a crack head after Hearing Eric Cantor diss Obama for suggesting that the Chamber start hiring Americans

The Repeatedly Sleepy Giant

The repeatedly sleepy Giant. What is it? To me it's a large group of people that continuously engage in positive actions for the good of OTHERS simply because it's the right thing to do. The shame is...this giant WILL NOT stay awake. You see it on holidays or tragedies... then it stops. Why? Why do we fight each other? I mean politically, religiously, personally...why?

Why does it take a tsunami, an earthquake, 9/11 etc, to get masses of people to care? Why is there "Compassion Fatigue"? Compassion...FATIGUE? Really? Is there a time limit on compassion? I didn't know that. What will it take to wake the giant PERMANENTLY? Genocide SHOULD be a word in a dictionary ONLY, not something that actually takes place. Why does the giant sleep through this? People HERE lose their homes and have their lives destroyed because of OUTRAGEOUS medical bills. Why does the giant sleep through this?

Companies with trillions of dollars in profit (profit from American consumers) won't hire people HERE in THEIR home country knowing that the unemployment rate is 9%. Why does the giant sleep through this? It's time now. It's time to wake that motherfucker up! WAKE UP!

Superbowl commercials should be placed in the dictionary next to the phrase "Trying too hard"

It's 9:11 right now...you know Rudy Giuliani plays with himself EVERY MORNING AT THIS TIME!

Polarization in many cases is as dangerous as Polar bears, minus the huge piles of shit. Oh...forgot about cable news. I stand corrected.

Remember when cable news anchors were *snickers* RESPECTED? Ah, those were the days...

Those who WANT "Democracy" take to the streets, those who "HAVE" "Democracy" sit on their asses. So Egypt you have THAT to look forward to.

If you are going to regurgitate, please make sure that your prior meals consist mainly of facts. Otherwise STFU!

You know those friends & relatives that show up unannounced and try to stay so late that you have to drive them home? Two words... pit bull.

The chamber of commerce ate the dingo...so your baby is safe.

I wish I was as cool as the black guys on TV sitcoms. Hahahahaha! Just kidding, I'm infinitely cooler!

As an evolved human being, I'm embarrassed that a phrase like "compassion fatigue" even exists. Huh? I GAVE YOU A QUARTER YESTERDAY!!!!

Wow, imagine what would happen if people boycotted businesses that fire people here and ship jobs elsewhere...hmmm...

When is entertainment tonight going to do a report on how people can buy knockoffs of the Black eyed peas audience outfits?