Hi actors, you went on a ride along. YOU ARE NOT A REAL SPY! Stop taking yourself so seriously...oh and STFU!

"Being a Carl Paladino is a life choice, I think that young people should not necessarily exposed to it..." - Normal Adults

Diseases, broken hearts, emotional scars. Those are the side effects of infidelity. Worth it? No. Stop being pieces of shit. Thanks.

You can't celebrate in the end zone...and you can't text pictures of your genitals to sideline reporters. Finally, my NFL fantasy is dead.

I'm in the mood to do something to this guy annoying me that will land me my own reality show.

I want to have a daughter someday...that way I can do the "Steve Wilkos chair throw" to intimidate her date. "YOU don't get to sit down!"

See this "Damn", huh?....sorry, can't give it to ya!

I don't like politics. None of them think about or care about us. At some point we must elect MEN and WOMEN and NOT these CHILDREN.

Racists, misogynists, homophobes, you're the mugger on the subway car, we will cower no more. This is YOUR stop motherf*cker! Get off!

Please, someone tell me that it was Carl Paladino holding Brett Favre's d*ck in that sexting picture. That would be cool.

Lesson 1) Don't hold a drooling newborn in the air when your mouth is open.

Lesson 2) don't get mad at me for laughing at what happens next.

Full of "piss" and "vinegar"...what? Anyone using this phrase will NEVER make salad for me. Or anything else for that matter.

I'm texting MY junk to that lady that Brett Favre texted his to. I mean, the bar (pun intended) is set pretty low. Damn, I'm impressive!!

Unlimited text, minutes and web. If only the company could supply people with shit to say. How much for that?

Some significant others don't want you to BE happy...THEY want to MAKE you happy. I say THEY can go f*ck THEMSELVES.

Skeet shooting puppies is wrong, right? No...it's not what you're thinking. Puppies is my neighbor's last name.

The THIRD date= sex? Damned hookers and their NEW rules. I am NOT driving out to this corner 2 more times! There are weirdos out here!

Am I the only one who thinks that it’s hilarious to watch football players over-celebrate a routine play only to have it called back? The look on the players face…priceless. It’s the same look a person has on their face when they “dump” you when you really wanted to dump them…and they can tell. Once again….priceless.

Whenever I see an action film, there is always a guy with his mouth open, screaming and beating up the bad guy. I can tell you, unfortunately having been in a few fights, that the guy with his mouth open, screaming...is the one getting HIS ass whipped in real life. I just thought that you should know.

She's yelling "You're not a real Doctor, how'd you get in here!?!" And all this time I thought women liked their boobs kissed! Fickle.

2 girls, one cup... Brett Favre's junk. Two things I never will look at. The reaction videos are probably indistinguishable though.

Cellphones add geotags to pictures, so I'm going to do all of my sexting from YOUR backyard ok?

Special message to people who try to take a mile when you GRACIOUSLY give them an inch. Fuck you, now you get NOTHING!!!!

I'm in the process of purging the dysfunctional...I should hang a sign over my door that says "Functional Only" It's time.

It's funny how yelling some things takes the romance out. "I LOVE THE WAY YOU SMELL AND TASTE!" It's better whispered isn't it? Well?

♫ Do you believe in life after love?♫ Yes, but I'm more interested in life during!

I’ve been writing and telling jokes all of these years (and no sitcom)…and all that I had to do to get an hour of primetime television is set my family on fire? NOW you tell me. Thanks 46 hours mysteries! (Yeah, I know it’s 48 hours. I’m trying to not get sued SHUT UP!)

Hey, just keeping it real...

I've finally realized why porn started to bore me long ago and why even though I've used it in my humor (and will continue to)...I'm just not that into it anymore. When you're a young man and vaginal access is a novelty to you, you tend to be more greedy and ego driven. Look at most porn, the woman tends to be nothing more than a masturbatory extension of the man's arm. He's always more interested in "Pounding" her than enjoying the process.

I've been guilty of that before. I was one of those guys who wanted to "Get up in those guts" or "Slice that" or "Bust that ass" etc. Ego...ego...ego. This mindset ignores the emotional side. People would be surprised to know how much the mind and emotions play a role in orgasms.

I don't care how "Hot" A person is, they CAN'T make you feel what a person you really care about can make you feel. (Well, not after the first 3 months anyway. Hey, just keeping it real) Once I realized this and felt the pleasures of sex...WITH CARING, I thought "Damn! It could have been feeling like THIS?" I know now. I took the red pill. I will not settle. (Unless it takes too long to find my next serious girlfriend...then...I'm probably going to do SOME fucking. Hey, just keeping it real)

If they ever came up with a device that feels as good as being with a woman...we'd still want women and period week would be more tolerable.

I didn't know that gas was free...the people that drove ALL of the gas out of my car think so. Soon, I'll show them ER visits are free too.

My feelings about the wait for midterm elections are the exact opposite of a kid's wait for Christmas. I can't wait for this shit to end.

Hey, i'm a comedian and using sitcoms as a guide, I should soon be married to a smoking hot woman that is always pissed at me. WIN! Wait...

I'm not too old to trick or treat, right? And today isn't too early to do it, right? Well, aren't we judgmental?

Blood Diamonds = Bad

Blood Fast Lane = (You asked for it ass wipe move it!)

Do you know what I do when my sports teams lose? I say “Aw man” then continue with my day. This DOES NOT make me LESS of a fan. That being said, being mean to strangers because of the athletic achievements of millionaires that don’t and will never know of my existence DOES NOT make me MORE of a fan. Let’s be adults. (Just kidding. Fucking with other teams fans is totally cool. Yeah, I’m from Philly. YOU GOT A FRIGGIN’ PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!)

Let's just change the name to The Chamber of FOREIGN Commerce.

Alright! Google TV! Wait, what? Color and sound must be purchased à la carte? I knew that Verizon merger was bad news.

My friend reminded me of some of my older tweets. If I had a TV show back then and used the same humor, I'd have been soooo sued.

One of the funniest things to watch, is two guys who CAN'T fight, threaten each other. Hahahahahaha! Punk asses.

My friend tells me his wife complained that he slurps her nips too hard. Then she got them pierced! HOW HARD WAS HE SLURPING THEM!?! (TRUE)

What a wonderful world it'd be if it was illegal for politicians to lie...and my ex...and that guy that put on my new tires. 15mins my ass.

I'm one powerball win away from buying some elections. "King S. Anthony" sounds good...really good...*sinister laugh*

I'm eating a salad from McDonalds....check and mate. I have once again maintained my middleweight contrarian championship.

My birthday is exactly three weeks from now. Begin putting money away for my huge gifts. No, YOU'RE delusional!! I want gifts damn it! ;-)

As it turns out my close relative DOES NOT have cancer. Ha! #fuckcancer #fuckcancersmomtoo

Why are people so mad at gay dudes? Relax, they won't hurt you.

Special message to bullies...the secret is out. YOU'RE the one with the inadequacies. F*ck you!

No. Hitter. Roy. Halliday. Nuff. Said.

Had a talk with someone that's diametrically opposed to my politics, it started combatively but ended with kind words. Because we're grownups.

All of this rain = screw you rude guys at the carwash.

Westboro Baptist Church. Why? The world needs LESS hate. Also, stop giving them press please. Thanks.