Yada...(repeat twice more)

The lord works in mysterious ways, seriously. Look, every time I walk past him he covers his paper. What's this "universe" thing he's doing?

Oil companies, wouldn't it be better to start being energy companies and INVEST in alternatives instead of PAYING billions in fines? Hmm?

Well, I'll save money on water. I'll just stand in the middle of the kiddie pool and fill it with sweat. 

Yo, if you listened more carefully you wouldn't have wasted all of that money! I said replace your ELECTROLYTES not electric lights idiot!

What is the emoticon for tongue in cheek? No, sorry I meant tongue in butt cheeks? 

I'm going to go with this as the tongue in butt cheeks emoticon.---> B~ Are you with me?

No, go ahead. Complain about the same crap for 60 min at a time everyday... of course people aren't avoiding you. Well, gotta go.....

Ah, the passive aggressive joy of cutting my smart mouthed younger relatives out of my will. I'll put them back in it...but oh what fun.

Nice paint color dude, you'll be the first person in the world to have his house racially profiled. At least after I call the cops on you.

Wet dream....incontinence....stop with the semantics and hand me the mop bigmouth!

My basement is so hot, the only thing missing is 6 old white guys in towels, smoking cigars and talking about the good old days.

I was sent on an audition for a reality show (I didn't know )...I spoke in a complete sentence and was thrown out by security. (kinda true)

Do you know that game where people punch you when they see a Volkswagen? I have a game where I knee THEM in the chest. I always win.

When politicians wear WWJD bracelets the "J" is for "Judas"...or "jerkoff"...or "jackass"...or..."just sold out" or..."just lied my ass off"

Tongue in cheek...

Is there any way to inject nicotine into common sense so certain people become addicted to it?

They should bring caning here from Singapore. First usage? Start with relatives of mine that shower with the curtain open! I digress...

100 degrees on the east coast. There's enough boob sweat to...to...I'm sorry, I forgot the punchline. It's like a wet t-shirt contest here!

Don't worry, in three days the Internet will rise from the dead...and it's 12 search engines will rejoice! hallelujah! Say it with me!!

Well, with it being 100 degrees, at least you know that your teen wasn't screwing in your car.....wait, check the garage! Slick bastards!

What is it about religion and politics that brings out the "a-hole-ish-ness" in people? Oh...inaccuracy.

The Internet is like Oprah, say something negative about it...and you get your ass whooped!

Guys should stop saying "girl, I'd drink your bath water". That's gross. There's soap in it. Rinse her off and apply syrup first, weirdos.

:-)

There is NO part of a freshly showered woman's body that's not DELICIOUS.

It's funny, without fail, right after we celebrate "Independence" we find ourselves then lamenting "What the hell do I do now?"

This chair is hard, my butt is numb... now I know why women are so insistent that I lick the water ice off of their butts more quickly...

Flipping through the cable news stations is like visiting the "6 Flags Great Adventure" for stupid people.

Women's secret reset button can only be reached with a long, thick cylindrical object. Press repeatedly for 45 min & she's not mad anymore!

The men in my family believe that after the age of 60 they need to explain to me in detail their intestinal distress. Euthanasia?

In 16 weeks I will be another year older which is weird because only 16 weeks will have passed...I'm confused??????

Happy 4th of July!!

"Vasectomy" is such an ugly word. How about "perpetual testicular traffic jam" Yes, it's more words, but it sounds nicer doesn't it?

Every street is blocked off...I hope an ambulance doesn't get slowed down so dick heads can grill in the street...

Cooked all of the ribs, burgers & hot dogs but the person with the rolls is late. I'll bet that bastard is trying to get a hero's welcome!

Cellphone conversations are reality shows...except the people are being a-holes for FREE. Now that's commitment!

I love the fireworks on the 4th. Not that crap that blows up in the sky, I mean when there are two alcoholics and one beer left...

These record companies love shoving new artists in my face! Message to record companies...please sign Serena's butt and boobs to a contract!

Ironic... tomorrow is Independence day and I'll be chained to a grill. I would run away but they'd catch me and chop off some of my foot...

Cerebral-political-weird, & sometimes off color. I'm like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're getting but it's chocolate & delicious.

Getting my house ready for the 4th...how do you hide a bear trap so people don't see it?

Forget personal hygiene, I do PUBLIC hygiene....after I clean my buttocks and pits, I do the same for random strangers. Yup.

Hello. I'm S. Anthony...

Do fries come with that shake girl? No, I'm not hitting on your daughter, I'm ordering lunch. Hand me my pants please, I need my wallet.

Uh, raisins aren't supposed to walk, right? Ok...taking this bagel back....

DO NOT streak a police station! Talk about police brutality! "Do some sit ups buddy!" Bastards. I'm telling internal affairs!

I'm laughing as the crazy left handed guy tries to stab me with scissors. Well, time to shoot this guy *click* crap, it's a left handed gun!

No officer, she chloroformed herself and jumped in the trunk. Don't get mad at ME because YOU don't know the latest stalker profiles!

Is it still "Schadenfreude" if it's meticulously planned? I'm asking for a buddy because I'll have an alibi for Tuesday, when it happens.

S.O.S.? (Save "OUR" ship) Don't you mean S.T.S.? (Save "THE" ship). I'm sure you don't OWN the ship! I am not inclined to save liars!

...oh yeah? Well screw you lady! I hope you get chased by a pack of M*l G*bsons!

Special message to 70's era kung fu movie stars, when you flex your muscles and it makes a crunching sound...SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!

S. Speaks...

Apparently it's even scarier when you tailgate someone's car on foot, in a clown outfit. People are weird.

Damn, I spend $10 in your breakfast place and I can't even get a FAKE smile? See you NEVER again. Now I'M smiling.

Beer I can understand...but who still TRIES crack? These people are ALMOST as out of touch as the House and the Senate.

"Now that I know that YOU don't give a damn, WE have something in common. "#neverusealinethisgoodonsomeoneyouwanttohavesexwithagain

Message to people who put commercials on the web. If you don't give me the option of turning down the volume, I ignore your f**king product!

No garage door opener for me, if I'm going to be duct taped to my bed and robbed, I'd rather it be by a "girlfriend", not a home invader.

...has already begun faking a cold to avoid being stuck at the grill. By Saturday night, faux dry heaves. Yeah, bring ME food minions!

Not only does the Twilight saga occupy your kids, it's also a great punishment for a friend who loses a bet.

When I'm watching the fireworks on the 4th, my friends from England are in a restaurant eating Chinese food..what's up with that? Oh.

Damn...Mel Gibson was just about to take over the Madea role from Tyler Perry. Well, you can't have everything.