I'm Just Saying...

10% Unemployment *scoffs*. Daytime TV says, in 6 months I could be: a mechanic, hairdresser, truck driver or sue U by slipping and falling.

Alright, since everyone is telling on themselves, I have a confession. I have had sex with MORE than 15 waitresses. Take that Tiger Woods!

What is the sound of one hand clapping? What if it made contact with a womans' butt U didn't know? What is the sound of handcuffs closing?

Every woman I date wants plastic surgery. I'm strongly against it. I mean it is MY nose.

The only thing missing from your back fat is nipples. #whenthedozensgotoofar

Ever call out the wrong name? Ever make a mistake and drive to the wrong city and get someones sister pregnant? It could happen to anybody!

My last few ex girlfriends are like a Benetton ad. Glossy, multicolored and 2 dimensional.

When thousands of people light their lighters at a concert, do you think that's like porno to a pyromaniac if he's in the crowd?

My neighbors' dog keeps circling trying to catch his tail. Why? So I ran out there and bit him on the tail. It's actually quite nice.

I had to give my cousin some advice for keeping her Roomba® from killing her dog. Step one: Don't throw the Roomba® at the dog......

Do not keep parking in my spot if we have the same tire size. I won't say why but I suggest U keep your AAA up to date. You were warned!

They need to strengthen the pause button on DVD players. They break too often. How? Please, you know. I'll wait...........exactly!!

I just want to find woman to spend my life with. Someone who's sweet, shy, faithful, smart and doesn't think anal is only for birthdays.

I don't know why they call it "Skinny Dipping"....there isn't one skinny mofo here! I guess it's better than "Fat asses swimming naked"

WaIking thru a store and a lady sprayed me with perfume w/o my permission...so I sprayed her with mace w/o hers. That's fair isn't it?
Family is coming over for christmas...I would give anything for a small tree fire. Don't want them hurt, I just want them to leave...anyone?

I'm Just Saying...

When they say "cramming for a test" they do not mean cupcakes apparently.

A word of advise...DO NOT USE "ow, ow, you're killing me" as your SAFE WORD. Trust me.

If you really think about it "Tiger Woods" sounds like a porno name....so what did we expect?

There is a Mcdonalds IN the Walmart. I guess they want the customers arteries as clogged as the aisles.

All of this porn on the net makes it less fun. Less mystery and sneakyness. Besides it's expensive having a stack of laptops under the bed.

I go to topless bars bottomless.

I'm Just Saying...

Our eyes locked. She looked at me and I new at that moment that she had violated the restraining order. She'll be behind bars in an hour.

They say Tiger Woods needs to rehab his image by doing Oprah. Doing Oprah? Give it a couple days, we may find out that he did Oprah already!

None of you could tell me not to wear my socks until they are crunchy? Some friends you are. Does the same hold true for your boxers?

Touch a hot stove, you'll never do it again. True. YOU'LL never do it again. But...there's no better way to quickly sober up a drunk friend!

Hey Sissycrats, oops I mean Democrats, see how cellphone companies lower the price when they compete. Think that'll work anywhere else?

It's bittersweet having so many followers on Twitter and friends on Facebook. It's an honor to be chosen by so many but the downside is...I'm now officially overqualified for "Dancing With The Stars."

I haven't had a 9 to 5 in years. And to the people I would have definitely shot in a fit of blind rage....You're welcome.

Every rap video has a guy with gorgeous women & millions of dollars...who's angry. Just makes me wonder...how mad were they before? Damn.

If famous, I'd better find my exes & pay em...or no one will ever kiss me, touch my fingers or eat any cylindrical vegetables I make again.

They say Bernie Madoff is the subject of adoration in jail. Of course! He's the crook they wanna be when they grow up. F**k liquor stores!!

Ever had someone go to tap you on your shoulder but get you on the ass by accident? No? The lady on the train didn't believe me either.

If you have an old or fat security guard it's cheaper to just tell teens that they can have one free item whenever they shop at your store.

I'm Just Saying...

5 Cancer Treatment Center commercials During "Maury". Are they trying to tell us something? I just thought the show caused brain damage.

I like my women like I like my ice cream....with my penis in them.

If you don't see me on the news in a few minutes under the title "Madman in standoff with police" you'll know that I have found the coffee.

Put some Hershey's hot cocoa mix in my coffee, total cost....52 cents take that starbucks!!!!

"You're a disappointment, you'll never have anything, give up!" Man, Olive Garden wasn't kidding. Being here is just like being with family.

I look women in the eyes when we talk, not one of those pigs that stare at womens' delicious breasts. That's what my lapel camera is for.

A guy that cut me off at a light got caught by an intersection cam. A $100 ticket. Is it supposed to feel this good laughing at an a-hole?

How did we go from Christmas to X-mas? Did Jesus join the Nation of Islam or something? (Don't tell the GOP if he did, they'd profile him)

Pill parties, plastic surgery parties, piercing parties...are teens getting dumber? What's next immolation parties? Calm the hell down!!!

They won't let you pump your gas in New Jersey. I was going to use their bathroom but I need to know how far they take "full service" first.

I'm Just Saying...

Am I a carrot guy? A Stick guy? I'm actually more of a middle finger knuckles deep...huh?...what were YOU talking about? Oh. Then...carrots.

Glenn Beck on 10 Most Fascinating People? Using the same criteria, the guy on the subway who talks to himself should be on. WTF?!?

Leave Tiger alone! How was the most famous athlete in the world supposed to know that Hooters waitresses and porn stars can't keep secrets?

Do not throw TOMATOES at Sarah Palin!!!! Throw FACTS and COMMON SENSE, they're more damaging to her.

Is it insulting when home invaders break in, look around, say "Nevermind" and leave you a couple bucks on the way out?

EVERY family has ONE nutcase in it but for the life of me I can't figure out who it is. Who!? There must be one......oh. Nevermind.

Someone said to me "Words cut worse than the sharpest knife." I'm not going to say what happened next...but he has revised this statement.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but not as effectively as not having insurance.

I'm Just Saying...

Seeing your woman get a colonoscopy is like finding out that your favorite restaurant had a secret VIP room that you weren't invited to....

Tiger Woods in : Waiting To Exhale (White Woman Edition)

Kids notice things. My niece: Uncle S., why do all of your girlfriends call you "John" and asks for $50? Me: Hey, your mom's here!...

Do not get Botox below the waist. Apparently smooth balls freak women out.

Forget the "Morning After Pill" I want a "Moment Before Pill"....you know what, I'd probably regret f**king U 2morrow so...I'm gonna leave.

I had better get a date soon. I just went to the post office just to watch women lick stamps....

"Going Commando" means no underwear? Well, i'd like to apologize to the people that ran screaming from the mall and to S.W.A.T.... My bad.

It's amazing what can happen in a couple decades. The guys who were break dancing on cardboard boxes are living in them now.

Sir please step out of the car for your sobriety test. "I'm not drunk." Sir, I'm looking right at your date. Nice try.