Randomness...

The coat check lady just gave me a coat much better than mine, so I'll be leaving quickly now.

A message to the people that create the ads on Facebook. No human women have breasts as large as the Photoshop enhanced women you continue to place on the left of my page. If you really did a good job of targeting your ads you would notice that I'm a brutha and therefore I am more interested in delicious buttocks than large busts. Consider yourself informed.

NO ARMPIT HAIR!!!! You know who I'm talking to.

A friend of mine said something bad about Oprah. He immediately burst into flames. You've been warned.

For men, a bad girlfriend is a marriage "Flu Shot"

Offline Spam--► "What are you eating?", "Can I bum a cigarette?" Offline Delete-► SHUT THE HELL UP!

A Stromboli is nothing but a Pizza for people too lazy to walk their asses back to the table for another slice. You lazy mofos'

Home invaders, are you in a hurry? You can't wait until they leave? It's not like you're gonna be late for work!

Randomness...

A young guy called me "Old head" today. When he woke up, I said to him "Could an old guy have crescent kicked you in the face like that?"

Mike Tyson, come on man you're a professional. Don't give away ass whippings for free! People would pay a lot to see paparazzi beatdown!

Mother Nature brings flowers & sunshine to make you smile. Father Nature brings the rain, because he likes wet tee-shirt contests.

I'm watching "300" to inspire me while lifting weights. Later I will be using another movie to inspire a different solo activity. Shut up!

Is it just me or is Carrie Prejean a pre-"The View" Elisabeth Hasselbeck ? Smoking Hot but annoying as hell.

I should join a group called Planned Step Parenthood because at my age it's impossible for me to date a woman who doesn't have kids already.

Randomness...

Want people to take marriage seriously? Outlaw divorce. Okay, the murder rate will go up, but people will take marriage seriously.

Can we please fine people for having obnoxiously loud moronic conversations on their cellphones? Or just slap the sh!t out of them.

At a party, just get on the floor and move to the music. Enjoy yourself. Anyone that disses your dancing is a douchebag...#lifelesson

I was set up on blind date and 10 minutes in, wished I was deaf.

What's with these smokin' hot weather ladies on the news. Stop it. Now when someone says "Nice Weather" I automatically drop my pants.

"X" no longer marks the spot. It's NOW marked by a "#". Consider yourself informed.

Technology is going to revive the strongman business. What's more impressive, ripping a phone book in half or a laptop. Thought so.

Randomness...

I am now AWAKE. In more ways than one.

Ladies if you make a sex tape, save your angry ex some time and put it on the web yourself. You know that's where it's going anyway...

I saw some kids on bikes jumping over friends prostrate between two ramps and I thought...ah...I remember when I was a young moron....

...you wanna destroy me?....nah, sit down I've got it. (A helpful person with low self esteem)

Why do they need so much blood for routine tests? Did they hire vampires who won't take cash as the late night cleaning crew?

"I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad" is the new number one single in the U.S. by the hot new group "Oedipus"

How old is too old to have the words "Hannah Montana" tattooed on your forehead? Just asking.

I saw two guys get into a plastic knife fight. I beat both of their asses with a whiffle ball bat.

Judging by the commercials on right now, I'm 4 diseases behind the average viewer. I'd better get started...Cigarettes, Beers & Lard please!

Randomness...

Don't think that there are only "Drama Queens", there are "Drama Kings" too....LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Men Who Stare At Goats"....really not looking forward to the porno parody of this...

If you love someone, set them free. If they try to go to the cops tell them you'll burn their house down.

A lady I went out with had a home hiv test kit, home pregnancy tests, condoms and a blood pressure machine in her bathroom. I felt like I was having sex at the free clinic...(minus the homeless guy "taking a bath" in the sink.)

Randomness...

Snuggies now come in different designs. Their new slogan "That's right, we're not finished with you yet douche bags!"

Last night some lady slipped a date rejection drug in my beer.

Some say the glass is half full, some say half empty, I say "Try harder to make it to the bathroom dude!"

Some guy today gave me one of those bone crunching handshakes. After the handshake I body slammed him... who's stronger now?!

I'm suing somebody. I bought a universal remote and it just controls my TV. My ex-girlfriend won't mute and "certain things" don't slow down!

Randomness...

My next door neighbor came over to borrow a tool. Ironic...him coming over to borrow one of his own kind.

A friend of mine offered to give me a bottle of homemade wine. Ah, if you're going to get cirrhosis...get it from a friend I always say...

I misunderstood "Jack in the box"...that toy is in the trash now.

How bad is someones cooking when the burp 2 hours later tastes better than the meal?