"Moobs" DON'T produce milk, but they DO produce an invisible gas that prevents people from having sex...

The fluids expelled from my body during my recent bout of food poisoning actually poll 40% higher than congress.

Dear stupid, closed minded people....stop fucking....and talking to people. Thanks.

1600 Penn, the television show, has a white guy as President....not buying it. Not believable at all. A white President. Yeah sure...

My car gets 57 miles per gallon thanks to the unlocked gas caps of my many neighbors. Just a little from each goes a long way!

My new scale checks weight, body fat, water, will to live, prospects for getting laid... I've got to ramp it up at the gym...and life!

Why juggle chainsaws when you can have female relatives ask YOU who should take back their dress when they just purchased identical ones?

Fall SEVEN times...

Get up EIGHT.

Shoot the guy that keeps knocking you down.

Get solid alibi.

Go to bar with friends and laugh.

I don't need viagra, took one anyway...and my upstairs neighbors got a pleasant surprise, a thank you note for the ride to the ER

LOL at my friend who gets mad at famous women for getting into relationships thus ruining his crush on them.

Um, Serena Williams...Yum. That is all.

I want a sweaty Jillian Michaels above me yelling “Keep going until you can’t do it anymore!”

THIS woman (Alison Sweeney) is going to make me start watching The Biggest Loser.
(Also Jillian Michaels)

NORMALLY, it’s a countdown to when the star QB dumps the girlfriend….but THIS time…..

I just “Googled” your sister.

THEN I “Yahooed” her,

and THEN I “Binged” her. Yeah