I used to live a life like those people in car commercials. Exciting for 27 seconds...then the same shit over and over again as anonymous drunks watch through glass.

Is there any way to make "Trying to be cute" illegal?

Ever have a family member do or say something that makes you think "Ungrateful motherfucker!"? THAT. Today.

"Square white people rapping is funny" - writers on EVERY sketch comedy show

MY #Subway sandwich is 14 inches long.

I'm 100 million dollars and a vasectomy away from the party lifestyle my talent deserves. (Also pre-banging STD tests)

"Dear pretty Hollywood actresses, that surgery you all keep doing to your mouths....stop that please." - Dudes

Wait? Second dates are a thing? Damn it! I knew she was lying!

I'm NEVER nervous on a first date. I know how cute and charming I am. Right? Right? Does this shirt go with these shoes?

Dear super super rich guys fighting with each other, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Leave arguments to the rest of us! Don't take EVERYTHING from us!

I'm going to confess to Oprah about my speeding just now. I went 67mph...and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry about the 39 people I just ran over.

I just kicked a can down the road....it's fun! I see why you politicians love it so much! Now I'm going to play with this red tape!

Dear gorgeous women that use their beauty to get things... I have things. Just remember one of those things wants to be in you everyday.

Tom Brady & Bill Belichick didn't have their hands over their hearts during the National Anthem! Get 'em Fox News! Get 'em! #yeahright

Ever see a person that's ALMOST gorgeous/handsome but there's one thing wrong with them that fucks it up? That, 5 minutes ago...