Young men that live with women for the first time, her showers that are LONGER than 10 minutes= you will probably be fucking soon. Unless you do something stupid to screw it up. Just so you know.

Hey Herman Cain, that smile at the end of your weird campaign ad has "Sexual Harassment" written all over it!



I would love 72 days with Kim K. They would have to be spread out over a couple of years though...

Happy "Get annoyed by OTHER people's children begging at your door" day!

I'm trying to get "hating your relatives" accepted as an Olympic sport. If I can, that gold medal is MINE!!!!

TV, tell the truth, you're not even trying anymore are you? Come on, you can tell me...

Rick Perry....crazy speech. That's better than sexual harassment. YOUR turn Herman Cain.

If you bring your kid to MY house after 8pm on Halloween...I'm handing out really loud noise makers. Yeah, let's see how YOU like being annoyed!

One of my nephews is going with friends to feed the homeless on thanksgiving. Great. I can't wait to steal stuff from his room when he's gone.

Of all of the places that had "occupy" protests, the last city that I thought would have police fuck people up would be Denver.

Alright, I have 2000 followers now on twitter. Where is MY Kardashian?

Pat Buchanan: Occupy Wall Street Is "Going To End Very, Very Badly"
 --The rest of the world: "So is your biography"

For Halloween I'm going out as an adult sized child that's not too embarrassed to beg his neighbors for candy and then act like it didn't happen the next day.

Ginger Ale is the sweat collected from redheads kept in captivity. Sorry, it's NOT just from the HOT ones. Hey, they're trying to cut costs

Spittoon by the bed means you're gonna get head. - Things that I'm embarrassed to tweet, but just did anyway

Dear gorgeous women walking around with angry looks on your face...STOP THAT! It's like watching someone burn art.

When I see how much damage a couple of super rich guys can do, I wonder how much good equally powerful good folk could do. To test this theory, I'm taking donations. I'll only need 50-60 billion. LET'S GO!!!!!!

Stop wanting someone that DOESN'T want YOU. It will ALWAYS end badly. Hey, to make you feel better, I'll do you, okay? Feel better now?

"I am in the 1%, not financially, I mean at giving that good lovin'!"
- things guys say that make a woman change her mind about sex with him... (not)

****

CLEAN bill of health from the Doctor. I can start REALLY WORKING OUT again!!!!

Helloooooooo old body. See you SOON!!

…and Standup, keep that bed warm for me girl. I’ll be home SOON!

YES!

****

Someone please digitize my life lessons and upload them to Madden. Maybe if I pop up in their video games my little cousins will hear me!

In this economy, don't give out expensive tickets, kick guys in the nads...like the schmuck who tailgated me on an obviously icy street.

I want to ask myself why I bother, but I realize now that it's easier to just not bother.

All of the great cameras and not one neighbor hot enough to illegally tape through a hole in her shower wall. Times are tough.

Give me a tee-shirt as a present, I will strangle you with it. You have now been warned. (Unless you are a hot lady wearing it, then cool!)

Change is inevitable, learn from history BEFORE we lose people to the struggle again. People in power...history is NOT on YOUR side.

No one has EVER gotten laid while watching Nick jr...EVER.

Dear guy in the car behind me, I can see things that you can't... so shut the fuck up, or drive around me and get hit by the cop car coming.

My gift? I can have pleasurable, informative & funny conversations with ANYONE. You'd know that if you weren't such a freaking loser. Oops.

"Thanks for beating him up and not sleeping with him, now look what we have to deal with!" - Americans to Paul Ryan's high school classmates

I did NOT win the powerball lottery. Random midnight assaults of people that I don't like TEMPORARILY averted.....


"Aw shit, Rodney King just joined our "occupy our city" group...this...is...bad."
- What you would say if that actually happened

I can't wait until I'm successful enough to stop giving a shit about people in need. Yeah....the dream....

Paul Ryan looks like a pissed off former child star...who was home schooled...by idiot parents.

Sometimes you look at people, and you just know that they are on the wrong side of history. Hi congress! Talking to YOU!

The NBA just cancelled my pick up game Sunday. Full of ourselves much NBA?

Are people STILL using the term "Kissing cousins"? If not, I'm going to need a new one to describe what I'm doi...uh....*covers face, runs*

I'm cathecting the woman that hands to me the chocolate soft serve at the Checkers drive in. Don't judge...that stuff is good.

I just "Beat my flu symptoms" and his MMA expert older brother diarrhea is running toward me. I'M OUTTA HERE! *gets into car and peels out*

Down south they do Civil War reenactments...in Oakland they do Civil Rights reenactments apparently. Shame on you. #OccupyOakland

Rain rain go away. Huh? The rest is "come again another day"? I hate passive-aggressive songs. Just tell the rain to go away damn it!


"Dear women who keep their armpits hairless and smooth...thanks."
- Guys that do things to women's pits but don't want stubble burn.


I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes! Thanks! Also, to the the one of you that grabbed my butt when I was not looking....buttocks have TWO cheeks! LET'S GO! Get back here and finish the job! I need all of the action that I can get!

I just had a car behind me, honk through my car at the car in front of me. My first vehicular reach around. Didn't like it.

****

"mmmmmf!"

"What?"

"Mmmmmf!"

"What!?!"

"MMMMMMF!"

*"Congress, take Wall Street's balls out of your mouth so I can understand you!"

****

My dentist cancelled.....AGAIN! RACIST!!!!! What? He's black too? Could you put that "card" back in the deck please. Thanks...

Little known fact: The pimp slap was invented by an overzealous high fiver with poor depth perception. Yeah...I teach you things too.

Hey Cowboy hat guy that keeps posting veiled racism against the President on my Facebook page, at least lose the cowboy hat and gun. Okay?

Dear people that do the travel catheter commercial...you didn't mention having hand sanitizer in the bag.  EEEEEWWWWW! Gross!

I'm going to start talking like "old-time-y" news reel voice over guys...because I want strangers to secretly hate me and call me a d-bag.

No random comedy website, you are showing the best tweets by comedians...that YOU know. I know people too...with BETTER tweets. YUP!

Ever met the boyfriend of a young female relative...and something tells you he's screwing her? Is it okay to want to step on his neck?

Rugby? ME? Nope. Too much like Thanksgiving.

The following posts are going to be crazy, wacky thoughts...DO NOT TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY !!

I don't eat Fruit Loops because it's sometimes used as a slur. Same with Cocoa Puffs.

Porn is lame. I get turned on by watching slightly overweight, middle aged women try on bras in infomercials. I can actually get THEM!

Only weird guys get turned on by women eating bananas. What gets me going is women shooting milk out of their nose. DON'T JUDGE ME!