Breaking News! Qu'ran "Burning" preacher to get a new reality show called "Punking the press" Film @ 6 & 11. Unless WE'RE getting punked...

Mr. Thomas wonders if it's worth it to renew his self important d-bag drop kicking license. He heads into Starbucks®...and now we wait...

Is this your card?....Maybe this card trick would be more impressive if I had a camera attached to the computer. Or if I had some cards.

I think in most cases a shot glass of whup ass will do.

Teri Hatcher...every time I see you lately you're half naked. THANK YOU! I've been wanting to jump on you since Lois & Clark. Yum!

I have been carjacked before. Never sneak up behind me and ask me for money if you're a stranger. Also, triangle chokes work in real life.

What's worse, when you tweet a joke and someone answers seriously or when you're serious and someone laughs? Welcome to FB!!!

Twitter streams are like Id ticker tapes. Thank goodness the people that I follow are so cool...or I'm just as crazy as they are...no...those guys are cool...

Aretha Franklin wants Halle Berry to portray her in a film. (Insert your joke about the craziness of that idea here)--->

Breaking News! People with common sense and sanity to burn dunce caps outside of Glenn Beck's Studio. Film @ 6 & 11!

Yo, distant guy with the hot pregnant wife...kiss that neck and rub that belly! If you don't the next guy that gets her pregnant will!

The president isn't a news anchor or reporter...YOU elevated that dick headed book burner my news reporting, stupid question asking friend.

I slap pit bulls, goes to tea parties in pro Obama t-shirts and do my own prostate exams...yeah, I'm the man! I make my own rules!!!

Why pinch me to see if I'm dreaming? If Serena Williams isn't nude and covered in chocolate pudding...I know that I'm awake. TMI?

I just heard a teen ask his girlfriend if he could "Get up in those guts?" Disgusting. That's no way to get a lady to let you blow her up!

I don't know about you.... Oh, that was the end of the sentence...and a comment on your outfit and recent behavior. I truly don't know...

plɹoʍ ʎɯ

Imagine how accurately informed people would be if the "Mainstream Media" actually fact checked. WoW! That said...how is Lindsay doing?

Have you ever had a friend or relative ask to borrow so much money that you wonder whether they're stupid or mistook you for someone else?

Kiss my ring. NO...the one around the inside of the tub. Yes, what you're tasting is chocolate. You're welcome.

Have you ever disliked someone so much that even the sound of their laughter makes you want to pimp slap them?

Hey CANCER here's a special message to you from my Aunt that you took from us...FUCK YOU! Say hello to the dodo bird and Polio motherfucker!

There's calorie labels on fast foods, but NO label on my ex saying "Will start banging a rich dude when your TV deal falls through?" C'mon!

What adult is still afraid of horror movies....really? What? That's NOT a horror movie? It's....CABLE NEWS!?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Never been a hater. I've been a "damn stfu-er" or a "get the hell out-er" or a "go f*ck yourself-er" ...but hate-er....nah. I'm too nice.

It's dress down day at work. Why is the boss yelling at everyone? Oh. Damn, I always forget to check for alternate definitions! #notmehahaha

Breaking News! In a nod to global warming, Qur'an burning preacher will use a paper shredder on the Tao Te Ching during Chinese New Year.

Creating art for art's sake and art's sake alone is the way to go. Anyone got a quarter?

Breaking News! Qu'ran burning preacher announces outside of a cancer clinic that he is proudly pro-oxidant. Film at 6 &11.

How long before the Republican "get out the vote" and the religious "come to church" guys realize that I've left them talking to each other?

Special message to all social networking sites. I'm all for innovation, but you don't have to change your sites between keystrokes. Thanks.

Atlas Shrugged, then Mrs. Atlas said "So, you DON'T know where this relationship is going? Well, guess what globes you WON'T be holding!?!"

The Qu'ran burning is cancelled. Man, it took a long time for that pastor's meds to kick in.

Anyone know where I can get a bunch of unburned Qu'rans and bad mustache trimming advice?

What's so dangerous about sticking myself with this needle, it's empty! Duh. Say you can have all of my stuff into the camera first? Why?

My Qu'ran is burning, someone must be talking about it. #yeahit'sacornyandeasyjokeshutup!

When my ex was mad at me she would not have sex. Apparently I was the only male that could get her angry! Thank you, i'll be here all week!

I'm not depressed...I'm bummed out. Do they have a drug for that TV commercial fake doctor? Huh? What's a brownie going to do for me?

Special message to cable news and talk radio. You can make money "pandering" to sane non-racists too! And there's many MORE of them. OK?

Have you ever held onto something for fear that it could never be replaced? Then you know my pain. Goodbye processed foods...I will miss ye!

Accepting everything and expecting nothing is a philosophy that has made life easier. Nah, that's no fun! Narcissism time! ME! ME! ME! ME!

Breaking news! Korans have broken out of bookstores and have begun burning mindless, stupid media whore, dick headed preachers! Film @ 11!

Just saw a funeral procession that had a cement truck behind it and my first though was "Man, the mob has gotten really multi-tasky"

I would like to announce to the press that I officially don't give a damn who celebrities are fu*king...unless it's me. Thanks. -The world

Remember this formula: 25cents + a smile adds value, 25cents + insults decreases the value. Remember that when giving homeless people money.

Also, after licking a hookers armpits, if you're in the hotel bathroom gargling/scraping your tongue...close the door, they have feelings.

"Critical Thinker"... If that description is considered an insult, then the first word is too accurate of you and the second word.

If ANYONE in my family asks you to give them a QUICK ride somewhere...fake a seizure, or start a fire. That is all.

Burning...another religion's sacred text...is WRONG. Come on political cowards, say it with me...

Either believe in ALL religions or believe in NONE. Sorry, that's the way it works.

If they ever came out with an ice cream that tastes like a woman does right after she showers...I'd be 1200 pounds by Friday...

My nephews keep trash talking me bout beating me on their video games. Well, I've had sex with runway models...I win.

Horatio Caine...quiet storm cop.

Finally, people have learned NOT to park in MY space...and you said immolations WOULDN'T work!

My ex hated when I'd walk around while brushing my teeth. I hated her being a ho. On the moral comparison chart, I come out ahead, right?

Semantics: the number one tool in a d-bags argument extension kit.

Do you get your wish before or after the coin hits the water in the fountain? If before, most wishes are "Sh*t that's my last quarter!"

You can tell if your woman is a "Keeper" by the sound that she makes when the cool whip and pudding first lands on her buttocks...

I wish that there was a YouTube video of cheating ex's face when she slept with the other guy the first time and realized that he was no ME.

No, don't grill in your backyards, block up EVERY street. No one else has anywhere to go. Anyone up for some late night tire slashing!?!

Um, anyone else have friends/relatives that think (judging by the idiocy of their requests) that you sit in a room waiting for errands?

I'm going to use euphemisms in reverse. I'm going to say mean things when I'm really being nice. I hope you all get bitten by pitbulls!

Everyone doesn't like peanuts...or mayo...please inform the restaurant workers of the world BEFORE something bad happens to them!

The dollar menu is the broke 20 somethings best friend. That's why I have a soft spot for McDonalds, Taco Bell and Burger King. I would have starved to death without them when I lived in Los Angeles or became a male pros....uh....telemarketer...yeah...

When I see someone with a really old cat it bums me out. It reminds me of the cliffhanger on every animal show. (FYI, the animal gets eaten)

Multitasking means: I don't give enough of a shit about any of this crap to do any of it well. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING IS TRUE!

If people can't text and drive then women with delicious asses shouldn't be able to wear shorts outside...that's a BIGGER distraction!

I take back my last post. Ladies, seeing your delicious asses is soooo worth the risk of crashing into a tree!

Uh, underarm deodorant chunks...you have to be more than smoking hot for that to NOT gross me out. Environment schmiroment, use the spray!

Was driving around with my sister and nephew...someone said "What a good looking couple" My sister and I apparently have the same gag reflex.

I'm 20-0 in my head to head competition with vibrators. When I'm with a girlfriend and we go to buy "Toys"...they hide in the storeroom.

There is NO such thing as a good time to eat HOT cereal. Anyone who says that there is should be avoided at all cost. They are insane.

I'm hoping invisalign will come up with a product that will even out balls, boobs and cable television news coverage in addition to teeth.