"I'm thinking of quiting sugar cold turkey"

"You mean COLD TOFU..."

"Uh, it's ok for you to speak of meat dude."

#myveganfriendisagoofball

The fact that the candidate with the most money wins speaks more to voters laziness than to money's power. It's just paper, it's powerless.

The kitchen sink<- Is this the last part of a colloquial phrase or a stereotypical 40's era Native American describing a foundation problem?

Just helped my 6 YEAR OLD cousin with her homework, so I AM smarter than a, huh?...smarter than a 5th GRADER? Whoa, I know my limits!

Tabloid reporters are a little too gleeful and giggly when they spread news about a person's personal tragedies. You can almost see them smile when they say Cancer, Divorce etc. Well, I think that style of journalism is a Cancer on society...and I've divorced myself from their product.

"I will lie to you, steal your money, bang your sister and feel nothing...yes I'm a politician." #notarealquoteputtootrueanyway

Incompetence is a virtue? Thanks Washington DC! Is that bizzarro superman over there?

You can tell what type of neighborhood a person grew up in by their reaction to a car back firing. Bring that guy a mop please.

Can we change the phrase from "Planting his seed" to "Watering her lawn" or "Filling her pool?" Those sound more manly damn it!

A message for people who spew racism, sexism, any negative "ism". What good do you think will come of it? Is being an asshole that much fun?

When you're standing among your friends and family...if you see nothing but assholes...wait...this post is going all wrong...

Cellphone cameras have moved people past the Mendoza Line of jerkdom into the All-star league of assholishness.

"Hey girl, It's time for your uterus to do some window shopping!" #badeuphemismforsexwithacondomon

Why aren't people suspicious as to why secret billionaires spend millions to get a stranger a $100,000 per year job? Nothing shady there...

Validation is like a drug, small amounts are healthy, too much can kill you and if you get it from a hooker your balls burn. Wait, what?...

These young, cool celebrities are missing out on a lucrative endorsement. If they started wearing Depends, and made them hip...$$$$

"I don't care" should NEVER be followed by a twenty minute list of things that you DON'T WANT! NEVER...or go to the store YOURSELF!

I feel like kicking ass and taking identities. YOU stop at just taking names, wuss!

"No! No! No!" - Don't EVER anger a three input woman. EVER.

"If you don't keep it down, I'll turn this car right around!" #thingscarjackersdontfindfunny

Special message to d-bags...we (everyone else) feel about you, the way we know that you feel about you. We don't like you. Thank you.

Gave my 20something cousin a ride to a baby shower. She was mortified that someone thought we were a couple. Like i'd dump my Aunt for her.

I have some comic friends that are MUCH more successful than I am. Duh! Someone I know said to me “You’d probably be further along if you were a little jealous of them.” I say if that’s the price of admission…no thanks. I’ll get there, but I’ll get there WITHOUT that.

Please don't answer innocuous questions too seriously. "Nice WEATHER" shouldn't proceed "I don't know WHETHER to stay with my wife" STFU!

Murders...hours per week of airtime. In-depth analysis and accuracy regarding politics....still waiting...

Apathy and extremism lead to the same result. Failure. See you in November America.

I'll post more stuff in a minute, I want to hear how the story in this song ends. Apparently this guy is rich and sleeps with lots of ladies. Go on...

Would I like to know where these politicians get their money? Of course! But what I'd really like to know is where do they get their "facts" from? I say this because they lie so openly that I don't even need to go to a separate information source to debunk them...unless you consider general knowledge & common sense separate information sources.

If you're riding in a shuttle, it's not a confidence builder to see a DRIVERS WANTED sign that looks too old or too permanent or both.

I don't believe in spanking children. I do however get dressed up as a child while being...your judgmental look says more about you...

When YOU vote, do YOU also feel like you're spinning the wheel on "The Price is Right?"

Shaq vs Brett Favre in a "Junk picture texting" contest. I think Shaq will win this one. Just a hunch.

The enemy of my enemy doesn't exist. Why? Because I have no enemy, other than the lie that enemies exist.

Soooo, Jackass 3D WASN'T the recent debates? Awkward....

Special message: Louis Vuitton DOES NOT have trunk and dark alley distribution centers.

Is there such a thing as a "near nymphomaniac?"...because that's what my next girlfriend is going to HAVE to be.

I'd a few extra bucks per month for a "political commercial free" cable experience. Wouldn't you?

Special message to rich and famous people: the broke person that you're humping will eventually sell pictures of your genitals to someone.

Special message to people who want to see the genitals of the rich and famous: they look just like yours.

Oh, so my armor has to shine now!?! That's why we're not together! NOTHING is EVER good enough!! - A Knight in slightly smudged armor

I wonder if friends of the guy that does the narration on the PBS Frontline series get creeped out when they talk to him on the phone.

Extremism is a self perpetuating societal disease. Thanks for sharing/infecting everyone else with it assholes.

Imagine Sherri Shepherd with Rachel Ray's butt or Rachel with Sherri's boobs. Sweet...sweet lord. Oh...my...yes...yes...yes...

I have long time friends that are conservative, and we're still friends. It doesn't matter to me that they're always wrong politically.

I can't believe that Elisabeth Hasselbeck attacked Bill O'Reilly like that. Haahahahahahaha. Yeah right.

Are you wearing a thong so it'll be easier to talk out of your ass?

Politics and Sports: Making people irrationally and viciously attack strangers since....unfortunately the beginning.

Some have a problem with READING comprehension, and others with COMPREHENSION itself. I've been running into the latter today.

Let me tell you something funny about Brett Favre and the Segway guy...huh? Over already? Damn....

Some people have "Hatred Tourettes" The cure...a pill called critical thinking. The side effect...compassion.

Forget gold! I just found some cheap political points in my basement! People will do ANYTHING for these. Hellooo Antiques Roadshow!

I can't wait until this election is over. Carrying this umbrella during this shit storm is getting tiring.

Apparently judging by the 400 commercials per hour...there is an airline named Southwest that I need to be made aware of.

Breaking News! Joe the plumber caught trying to climb down Chilean mine shaft to get his 16th minute of fame. Film @ 6 & 11!

If YOUR actions cause unfair discomfort to ANOTHER person, YOU don't get to make smart ass comments to THEM. Thanks.

Forget kissin', my cousin had better give it up! #thingsthatiwillneversay

How long before there is a "Deep bowl Chilean CHILI" special at DENNY'S?

I ate a Cheeseburger at a Chinese Restaurant. No...it's NOT on the menu. YES...I am the man. Take that other diners! Take it hard! Ha!

If you treat your kids like you hate them, then I hate you, even if we haven't met. You are shit.

I've been out of the dating scene for a while. Is holding a woman's butt in your hands & licking her for 90min still a good pre-sex warm up?

Local commercial producers, hiring a tall skinny black guy DOESN'T make us think he's The POTUS. It makes you look lame. Thanks.

Me, me, me, is a good way to tune up your voice....but as a way to run a society...not so good. Just saying...

Breaking news! 45 Solar energy miners were rescued from...oh. Nevermind.

I would NEVER send a text picture of my "stuff' to some lady. Please. My camera shoots VIDEO. Get your popcorn ready! And your checkbook.

Forget what your doctor thinks ladies. According to the Lucille Roberts commercial you lose weight by dancing badly in 80's era spandex.

Uh, just in case people forgot...we're NOT supposed to reward hate politically. I'm S. Anthony Thomas and I approve this message.

Gee, I wonder if the spike in atheism has anything to do with people perverting religion and using it as a bludgeon against people?

"Whites only" fountains = wrong

"People who AREN'T nasty bastards only" fountains = necessary

I'm disgusted that Brett Favre would send pictures of a kid's...huh? It's HIS? HA! Dude have a thermostat at 30degrees in the shot at least!

Hi, mainstream media, american citizen here...stop giving yourselves Edward R. Murrow awards until you live up to his standards. Thanks.

Isn't it everything portion control?

Ungrateful + loud = You're an asshole.

So, you can text without looking at the phone? Cool. I can cancel your cellphone service without looking away from the game.

Courtney Cox, Sandra Bullock, Elin Woods, my rebound/transition guy services are available. FYI, i'm no Brett Favre if you know what I mean.

I'm starting to think that this shoeshine guy just wants to look at my you know what. First, I'm at a urinal and second he retired in '87

Someone texted the picture of Favre's junk to the Chilean Minors...and their laughs could be heard on the surface.