Either believe in ALL religions or believe in NONE. Sorry, that's the way it works.

If they ever came out with an ice cream that tastes like a woman does right after she showers...I'd be 1200 pounds by Friday...

My nephews keep trash talking me bout beating me on their video games. Well, I've had sex with runway models...I win.

Horatio Caine...quiet storm cop.

Finally, people have learned NOT to park in MY space...and you said immolations WOULDN'T work!

My ex hated when I'd walk around while brushing my teeth. I hated her being a ho. On the moral comparison chart, I come out ahead, right?

Semantics: the number one tool in a d-bags argument extension kit.

Do you get your wish before or after the coin hits the water in the fountain? If before, most wishes are "Sh*t that's my last quarter!"

You can tell if your woman is a "Keeper" by the sound that she makes when the cool whip and pudding first lands on her buttocks...

I wish that there was a YouTube video of cheating ex's face when she slept with the other guy the first time and realized that he was no ME.

No, don't grill in your backyards, block up EVERY street. No one else has anywhere to go. Anyone up for some late night tire slashing!?!

Um, anyone else have friends/relatives that think (judging by the idiocy of their requests) that you sit in a room waiting for errands?

I'm going to use euphemisms in reverse. I'm going to say mean things when I'm really being nice. I hope you all get bitten by pitbulls!

Everyone doesn't like peanuts...or mayo...please inform the restaurant workers of the world BEFORE something bad happens to them!

The dollar menu is the broke 20 somethings best friend. That's why I have a soft spot for McDonalds, Taco Bell and Burger King. I would have starved to death without them when I lived in Los Angeles or became a male pros....uh....telemarketer...yeah...

When I see someone with a really old cat it bums me out. It reminds me of the cliffhanger on every animal show. (FYI, the animal gets eaten)

Multitasking means: I don't give enough of a shit about any of this crap to do any of it well. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING IS TRUE!

If people can't text and drive then women with delicious asses shouldn't be able to wear shorts outside...that's a BIGGER distraction!

I take back my last post. Ladies, seeing your delicious asses is soooo worth the risk of crashing into a tree!

Uh, underarm deodorant chunks...you have to be more than smoking hot for that to NOT gross me out. Environment schmiroment, use the spray!

Was driving around with my sister and nephew...someone said "What a good looking couple" My sister and I apparently have the same gag reflex.

I'm 20-0 in my head to head competition with vibrators. When I'm with a girlfriend and we go to buy "Toys"...they hide in the storeroom.

There is NO such thing as a good time to eat HOT cereal. Anyone who says that there is should be avoided at all cost. They are insane.

I'm hoping invisalign will come up with a product that will even out balls, boobs and cable television news coverage in addition to teeth.

Ever had someone mention a spouse thinking you're hitting on them when all you're thinking is "Someone is sleeping with YOU...regularly?"

You heard two people talk about nothing, then 15min later get on cellphones to repeat the conversation? And you DIDN'T shoot them!?!

Lady, If you pay for those items with separate checks...I'm going to run you over in the parking lot. (Homeland security, I'm just kidding)

I could use some passionate "manual-tonomy" right now. Ladies?

Yo, middle aged d-bag! Flirt with the teen gas attendant AFTER I get MY gas! I don't think her seeing me drop kick you will get you laid!

I'm thinking of swirling some alcohol around in my mouth for the smell so I can do all of the stupid crap that I want, with a built in excuse.

RIP Robert Schimmel

Just drove my sister to work (Her car is in the shop) and my niece and nephews all to school. I'm getting a vasectomy...that is all. ;-)

How long do I have to drive around with cocaine in MY Chanel purse before I get MY reality show? I'm running out of gas damn it!

Does anyone else hear the three stooges theme whenever there is a baseball fight?

I actually said the phrase "In my day..." to my teen nephews... It's time for another prostate exam. This time not just for fun.

Hookers can hold a grudge. It's not MY fault that YOU didn't invest in one of those counterfeit bill pens! You're no "Halle", we're even...

Voting for these crazy assed politicians because you hate the POTUS is like going pantless in winter to protest clothing prices. STUPID!

Hey police officer! Don't just drive past me, profile me damn it! I'm still young and hip! Oh lord, did I just use "Hip" in a sentence?

Much like the real thing, my body part called Hurricane Earl has it's size & power described by a beautiful lady in front of a green screen.

I'm sending Hurricane Earl back. I ordered it for 8/28 in DC...it's late and in the wrong place! Let me speak to your manager Mother nature!

Another oil rig exploded!?! Fu*king copycats!

In a world that has Google in it...you know that News reporters are lazy or bought off when I out fact check them while eating Corn Flakes.

I'm leaving my door open in the morning for any women who want access to my morning "Wood". I'm wearing ear plugs, feel free to scream.

If only there was a disease that struck politicians who lie, one that would turn them Orange color or give them a shrill annoying voice.

It's amazing how many stupid things/places people want to have/do when you're the only one who's car is working. U drink goat milk now!?! 

I forgot to get coffee this morning...and I didn't choke slam anyone. Hmm. I may need to rethink some...*choke slams person* nevermind.

Hot lady at breakfast place noticed that I was the only guy NOT ogling her. She went out of her way to get MY attention. Works every time...

FYI, Star Trek fans laugh at the virginity and dweeb factor of Dancing w/the Stars fans. Just letting you all know.

It's not really "Force" feeding if the person ISN'T putting up a fight due to a drunken stupor, right?

Special message to guys who take hostages. What success story about that have YOU heard? I've been told that these things usually end badly.

When they say drive with your hands at 10 and 2 they mean the steering wheel, not your niece and nephews foreheads. Catheters in the ER=fun!

I'm creating a line of female armpit Toupées for when he just won't take NO for an answer...