Inside My Head...

Insurance companies denying coverage, Tobacco companies adding carcinogens, BP...(nuff said) isn't the idea to keep your customers alive?

My hot neighbor is now dating a dirty addict. Part of me thought "Hey, you could have had her!" I consider her non-interest a compliment now.

I wonder if Lady Gaga has seen any Madonna videos? (A teen relative made me watch her new video...what a body on Gaga!! I'm a pig, I know.)

I'm not going to say what my cousin just named her new baby boy....but I will say that the name should come with Karate lessons.

I guess the suggestion box being set on fire kinda makes the suggestions inside moot huh?

Kevlar is not effective in protecting you from being shot dirty looks. They're still working on that. (Still good against bullets though.)

Do you know what HATE looks like? Check the expression of the cute lady in the office when a "HOT" woman gets hired. Take pictures.

"What's the difference between roadkill and your cheeseburger?" - the last words my vegetarian friend remembers saying before the choke out.

Because of an injury I haven't worked out in a month, so temporarily there's more of me to love...ladies, get it now, I hit the gym 2morrow!

Flash Forward...

I saw the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life today. I mean that literally. She was everything I dream my future wife to be. The perfect height and build, extremely smart, funny…but…she was married. It used to be times like this that I thought that the universe or coincidence or whatever you call it, was being cruel. Why torture me by putting the kind of woman that I dream about building a life with in front of me, when she can’t be mine? That’s how I used to think.

I’m a different guy now. I really think that she is just a wonderful reminder of what it feels like to meet an amazing woman. Of feeling butterflies in my stomach. Of having a smile on my face that can only exist when that special lady in around. It wasn’t torture as the previous version of me would think. It’s a flash forward to the wonderful feelings that I will have, when I find her. My “Her”. Yeah, It’s going to be awesome.

S. Anthony Says...

15 minutes after you wake up or come home from work should be "Whine Free" zones. If violated, I support legislation imposing prison time!

Ladies, you can have any guy you want. Just walk up, ask if they're single and if so just take him. You can start with me!

"That's not what I had in mind!" - Ivan Pavlov watching the Jerry Springer show

Medical science, please come up with a pill that removes emotional baggage. I'm one more crazy girlfriend from becoming a Buddhist monk.

Is there a secret internment camp where they keep the black people that appear on Maury? Where do they come from?

A kid smoking, now a kid at a baseball game drinking a beer....my childhood gets lamer and lamer everyday by comparison.

Whenever my ex would scream at me for no reason, I would wish that she had an "SAP" button...then I couldn't understand what she was saying.

Teens next door, I'm investing in miracle ear stock now. All that yelling and screaming will pay off for me later. No, turn that music up!

I need to wrap duct tape around my head to keep IQ points from slipping out. That's how stupid the conversation next to me is.

What a shame, if hired, the guy talking to himself on the subway and peeing in a cup WOULDN'T be the most disturbed person on cable news.

The hug...

Life is made up of a series of small moments. Some stay with you. An hour ago I was driving my uncle home and I saw two ladies that obviously were friends for years walking toward each other. Each had her toddler daughter with her. The two children didn't notice each other at first...they were too busy begging their mothers for something. Then it happened. They saw each other. Each one let out an excited shout, jumped up and down and ran to the other. It was awesome.

They were so young that running for them was essentially them falling forward toward each other. Their excited little feet tapping the pavement as they got closer...then they stopped and hugged each other. Pure joy, right there in front of me. It was a beautiful thing to see. Their hug was the creator of several smiles because everyone near noticed the same thing. Pure joy. I hope you get to see and experience joy like that. The smile is still on my face.

S. Anthony Says...

Bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant....the only thing that could make this better is eating it off of (insert sexy female celebrity here)

I want a lane on the street and the freeway JUST FOR ME! It would really cut down on my urge to drop kick stupid people.

I have said it before and I'll say it again....give people that "Rickroll" the death penalty. Thanks.

Sandra bullock kissed Scarlett Johanssen last night....take THAT Jesse James! Instead of cheating, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN BRINGING WOMEN HOME!

"Why stop at beating a dead horse when you can slander, verbally abuse and frame it for crimes it didn't commit too?" - mi familia

Has a kid ever given a good answer to..."Why did you do that?" Of course not! Are we asking it to help to help them work on their lying?

"Hahahahahaha! Just pick it up, dumb ass!"- Atlas laughing at Sisyphus

"Help me get this oil off of the baby! I told you not to let your brother watch him after he started working for BP!"

The Freedom Tape...

It always amazes me how much better an artists' work is when the goal is creating good work. Or when the goal is to constantly improve. I have noticed it in myself. I am a much better writer and performer when I really don't give a shit what people think. I actually watched a tape of myself auditioning for a Tv show, and on the same tape was a performance that I had done simply for the joy of helping people laugh. There was an exponential difference in quality. It was almost like the audition guy was someone dressed as me. The guy performing on the "Freedom Tape" as I call it, was in fact the real me.

I saw a life in my eyes and body that did not exist in the audition tape. How many people are living in an audition tape everyday? How many are auditioning to be in some lame relationship? How many are auditioning at a job that crushes them everyday? Live a "Freedom Tape" life!

When we do things STRICTLY with ego strokes and accolades as a goal we can't possibly perform at our highest levels in any part of our lives. We must not allow others to dictate how we feel about ourselves or what we do. They have no idea what we are truly capable of. Only we know that. Or do we?

Mr. Thomas Speaks...

I could have shoplifted, been prosecuted, served my time, gotten released and turned my life around faster than ACTUALLY shopping today.

I'm multitasking right now because I'm not really concerned about doing any of these things with accuracy...I mean these aren't MY brakes.

Efficient= getting the job done right. Effective= getting out of the whorehouse BEFORE the raid and BEFORE paying.

Pretending that I give a damn is exhausting. I'm going to stop now...Yeah, that's so much better. I think from now on....I'll do this.

Why do people still try to be shocking on these award shows? Let me tell you about a little thing called "YouTube"...

Shut up advertising! I will decide who I think is attractive damn it! Jessica Alba? Halle Berry? Hmm... uh...carry on. I'll shut up now...

It's official. Meteorologists are now 10 times hotter than models.

Wow! I learn soooo much during these 15 second sideline interviews.

Instant replay now! These refs and umpires suck. You can impeach a President, but you get fined if you disagree with a ref wtf!?!

Elton...Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Really? What time is your show at Fred Phelps' house? C'mon man.

Hi, TV producers...you DON'T have to create a reality show about EVERYTHING! Thanks, sincerely...everyone in the world over 19.