Randomness...

I'm think retail stores are so cold to stop pants-free shopping. Jokes on them, I'm wearing pants but my bottomless picture is on my hat.

Breaking News!! They have changed their minds. Women are now to get HOURLY MAMMOGRAMS starting at age 20. Film at 11.

I will be using editing software I just purchased to edit myself into several hit films so my resume will be filled with less lies. ;-)

Breaking News! Much like with women, the guidelines for men have changed. No prostate exams unless you hear crunching when you sit down.

No shoes, no shirt, no service? Okay, but the jokes on you Burger King, I've already been served...so hellooooo exposed genitals!!

Just checked the web to find the felons in my area. Everyone but me on the block is a violent felon. *SIGH*...I'm left out of the fun again.

I have actually become bored with porno. Does anybody have any ideas what I can fill those 6 hours a day with now?

Breaking News! Jerry Springer to take over Oprah show. "Favorite things" now will be slap fights, kickboxing trannies, incest & meth heads

Randomness...

Everything that ISN'T sex IS cock blocking.

Surveillance cameras add 15 pounds and 20 years to you.

I would burn down my house to avoid the family coming over for thanksgiving but my Amish friends would just built me another one. Why did I do those Damned comedy shows in Lancaster Pa?

Some ladies think guys should have "Married" tattooed on them. I hope it happens. My first move afterwards...selling cheese graters.

Randomness...

My doctor asked me if I wanted the new male birth control pill. I said no until he told me i'd only have 3 periods per year afterwards.

Playgirl Magazine? Ladies, do you really have a hard time seeing guys naked? Really? Ever try saying "Get naked!" It's that easy.

The woman I'm seeing now is beautiful, sexy, smart and...oh crap she found the camera....gotta go.....

Blast from the past....."What is a euphemism for the recurrence of an old venereal disease Alex!"

When will all you can eat restaurants learn? So many plastic lined coat pockets....so little security at the door....

I will never watch Glee. I didn't go out to see the movie High School Musical and I will not have it's weekly T.V. cousin invade my house.

Randomness...

Putting toys in kids cereal is just a clever way to cover up past product tampering. Coming soon..."Get a free dead frog in every salad."

Can you still call it "Streaking" when you make it a point to slow down so everyone can get a good look? Just asking.

Bad news, when they said the world would end in 2012....well they meant on 2012 and by 2012 they meant 8:12 tonight. Sorry.

Let's level the playing field...I can still see some of the bodies.

Randomness...

My little cousin showed me her crayon box. They have way more crayons than they did when I was a kid. They taste better too.

I was a bed wetter as a kid...but as an adult, I consider myself a bed hydration specialist.

Randomness...

To eliminate confusion and public indecency charges, at the library it's the DEWEY decimal system not the DO WE decimal system. Just saying.

C'mon Sarah Palin, you've gone too far in the new book. John McCain was not a crack baby!

Ah, remember the days of free love before all of these diseases? Well I don't, so shut up old people!!!!!!

Fingers don't have the same ability to censor as the lips because people will type things on the web that they would never ever say to you..

Because of budget cuts and a lack of dodge balls, schools have a new game to get the same results. It's called "Hit the fat kid in the back"

Wonder Woman would have to have as many arms as an octopus to survive my old neighborhood. Think about it. I'll wait. There, you got it!!!

I'm watching the "Your baby can read" commercial. Impressive. I think need to have a talk with my 1yr old cousin pertaining missing checks.

Lets make some extra money giving good reviews to lame movies. No one will know you sold out, see how small they make the reviewers names?

Randomness...

Maturity sucks. A 21yr old wanted to sleep with me and I said "No". Believe that! I said "No, now give me my clothes back so I can go home!"

They now have "Lojack" for seniors so they don't wander away. I'm glad, because I WAS using "The Club". My dad didn't like that.

2012 will not be the end of the world, it will be a re-release of Earth, Wind & Fires' "Way of the World" Sorry for the confusion.

Swine flu is now H1N1. Ok, from now on stabbing is JX17. Think that makes it better?... Sir?...sir?...sir? Nope. Call 911 for him please.

Ran into a girl that broke my heart back in high school. If anybody asks, my car was stolen and I was with you all night. Thanks.

It is illegal to smoke in a public library, even if it's after sex.