Dear life, don't think that I'm not eventually going to get that carrot you're hanging in front of me!

Ow!

When did you get that stick!?!

It's National Orgasm Day or as women I sleep with call it, "The first day of Orgasm Year!"

*High five to the throat*

Note to self, don't light the grill INDOORS and try to CARRY it outside. Get younger relatives to do it.

Posts joke on Facebook.
Everybody likes it and adds "rotflmao" etc.
Two dopes start fight about politics

WHY!?! The joke was about CARS!!!

An identity thief accidentally took my morality. Don't worry, my new morality is in the mail...but right now I'm in your sister.

Don't talk to me when I'm at the ATM. I don't care about that gun you're holding, rude is rude. Just for that, I'm not letting you rob me!

If a person was sexually attracted to cat photos, Facebook would be awesome for them!

Butter has the word "Butt" in it. Has anyone thought about making jokes about that?

Dear voters, when people in power take away a group's right to vote, it shows who they are. Don't ignore the canary in the coal mine...

Dear Facebook, create a "Friends with benefits" request. Also, an "I was just kidding don't mace me" request.

EVERYONE has a price....I mean VALUE! VALUE! 

Sorry...

"You can be ANYTHING you want to be, if you believe!"

*seconds later*

"Let's keep it real, that guy is NEVER going to make it."

I try to be fair and nice to everyone, even the dweebs, losers, suckers, chumps and dumb ass people.

Keyser Söze was framed.

Dear "The sexes", less "Battling" and more "Boning".

Problem solved.

You're welcome.

Anthony Weiner used a stunt penis.

People on the stock trading floor that shower and hold in their farts...don't really want to win!

I'd NEVER pay for a hooker. I mean, by the time they get dressed, I'm the hell outta there. C'mon, as tough as pimps are, they cannot run!

What's wrong with me? Somehow, I don't seem to be able to be scared by cable news shows. Oh, I fact check...

Apparently, people with different political beliefs need to call each other names and not listen to valid points from the other side. YAY internet!

Sunday's WITHOUT football should be left in the attic with Christmas gifts from relatives you don't like and see rarely.

"Hey girl, I want to slide something big & brown, up in where you sit down!" sounds cool in your head, but will get you punched in the face.

ASSets. Tee hee. ASS...ets. ASS.

Grandma's friend was been better at riding grandpa's knee than us, she'd ride 20 minutes and his pants would come off trying to buck her...

It's all fun and games until you get caught getting it on in the backseat of your car by a church group. They paid well for the show though.

Ladies first... if men last.

I don't appreciate you NSA guys writing "BORING" all over my email and text screens!

If you scroll down to the bottom of the screen on most dating sites, there's a "Bang immediately" check box. You didn't know that did you?

I'm all for personal responsibility. And personally I blame that bastard over there for all of my problems.

No Kim K sextape? Screw you Netflix!

In my sales training, we were supposed to overcome 5 objections from a potential customer. In the dating world the 5th objection is a gun.

Women love me. No, that's not a statement....it's a request!

WOMEN....LOVE ME!!!!!!

I'm going to do controversial topics on YouTube for views:
"Baby seals, club them it's good for their health!"
"Kids, why feed them DAILY?"

I have to admit, Anthony Weiner has the balls of a younger man judging by these photos he's handing out at the corner.

When you see your teen relatives having relationship problems over stupid crap, should you leave the room BEFORE you point and laugh? Well?

Keep your friends close, and if they let you bang them, become friends with benefits. Don't worry about enemies, you can bang them later.

Okay, what's going on? I walked by a TV with Fox News on it and the anchor said "Shhh, one just walked into the room!" 

I heard that FOX!

Twerking is sexy because It's how a woman's ass moves when she's on top and we're up in them. (Doesn't mean everyone should see it though)

I can't seem to convince women that I'm Hugh Jackman. Lying just isn't for me I guess...

The cats fighting in my yard don't know it's a fake bird they're fighting for, they also don't know I got a new hose today.

Do you think those guys yelling at people about the end of the world on the bullhorn in the subway know about podcasting?

Skype sex isn't as good as phone sex because I can see you. I might as well just watch porno then because with THAT it ends when I do.

I try to pick up women in a Harry Potter costume because pity sex RULES!!!!!

Men. Women. We don't HAVE TO get mad at and fight with each other. There is ANOTHER choice. It's called....SCREWING! Yup. It's more fun.

Can't we just make it illegal for news people to lie and just clean out all of the garbage at once?

Guys, wouldn't you like your lady to pull YOU to HER by the ass, pick YOU up, carry YOU upstairs and give YOU a pounding? Uh...

Me neither.

I cared what people thought of me once...on Thursday...5 years ago. Didn't like it. Stopped. Why? Because kiss my butt that's why.

I'm not saying I'm a tough guy, but if I was in prison with Wolverine, he'd be my personal back scratcher and Shish-Kabob holder.

Whoa! Congress DOESN'T care about black people?

*writes that down*

...I've got some phone calls to make...

Only try to sneak a sniff of a woman's perfume on an elevator if you have a maced, kicked in the balls and being violently arrested fetish.

"Yo! I don't just "Spit", I "Vomit" son!"

- Dude trying to sound like he knows something about hip-hop

"I don't mind getting stuck in traffic."

- Guy who knows that his wife found out what he did last weekend

"Calm down boy, if it wasn’t for that you wouldn’t exist. Well not THAT, we just start with THAT, what comes next is what I mean"

- Kid catching parents in bed

Every time I do something nice and a hot woman sees, I say "Yeah, I do this for the kids". It has gotten me laid 0 times, but I can't stop.

Listen out for the door? No. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd call you. If I wanted you in my house you'd be in it....so...no.

I'm not going to spend money on a tattoo. I'm just going to drink this glass of hepatitis. It's cheaper.

"Joke's on YOU Singapore, I'm into caning!"

- Nobody

On a DAILY basis, I do things that would ruin my political career...Bwahahaha!

I'm just kidding. I mean HOURLY.

If you're the next guy that dates Weiner's hot wife, all you have to do is NOT send pics of your penis to 20yr olds and you're an upgrade.

If someone told me that Nicki Minaj's butt cheeks tasted like milk chocolate, I'd believe them.

If you lick your lips when looking at a lady's butt, it's only a compliment:

- If she doesn't see you
- In your mind
- If you're me

Yup.

Dear women who ALWAYS keep their armpits smooth...thanks.