Dear NEXT serious girlfriend....oooohhhh are YOU going to get it good!

Shark Tank. Watched it. No Sharks, no tanks. I will be filing a class action lawsuit in the morning...

Chest of drawers files restraining order on Clint Eastwood citing extreme verbal harassment. Film at 6 & 11!

The President JUST sent ME an email thanking ME. I bet you losers don't get email from...THE PRESIDENT! (Huh? Form letter? Awkward...)

I just started watching Clint Eastwood in "The Outlaw Josey Wales" and I can swear that my empty chairs are planning an attack on my TV screen...

I was walking down the street with my camera and some delegates started throwing peanuts at me. What does that mean? WHAT!?! *kicks ass*

I just threw MY nuts at a lady at the convention...she didn't seem to mind.

If only women knew what we were thinking when we look at their boobs. We're thinking "I want to have sex with her!" Ya'll KNEW that? Oh.

"It's only CALLED "eating" stupid!"
- ER doctor to stupid boyfriend after "sex accident" with soon to be ex girlfriend

*on the phone with one of my gay Republican friends*...hold on, I can't hear you, I'm at a Klan rally helping them put a cross on my lawn.

This GOP convention is similar to a porno set.... a whole lot of fluffing, THEN the big dick comes out.

Breaking news! Obama to bring out Bruce Lee as mystery speaker at DNC Convention! Yeah, he's THAT good!

"Wave your hands in the air, show the elderly you just don't care!"
- Hip hop RNC REMIX

Light skin, dark skin, I don't care, I just want IN! Take THAT Shakespeare!

President Obama is going to bring out David Duke to try to steal some of the racist vote from Romney. Check and Mate!

...was thinking of grandpa today....

...and remembering his last words....

..."they'll know that's NOT my signature you sick bastards!"

....yeah, good times.

It's NOT "Giving up", if no one knows you're doing it...

Sign in the gym:

"DON'T BANG THE WEIGHTS"

Feeling in my heart:

"YOU can't deny our love!!!!!!"

**********

What's with Gordon Ramsay and FIRE in all of his show openings? I'd keep an eye on that guy...

I give anxiety attacks to anxiety attacks! I pimp slap headaches! I have an exaggerated view of my abilities in fantasy scenarios!

After the definition of RAPE in the dictionary, it says "If you think out of wedlock pregnancy is the same thing, you are a fucking moron"


"Pump up the racists! Pump up the racists!
Pump up the racists! Dance! Dance!"
- New Romney Campaign song

Politicians NOW in power, you do know that your draconian laws will eventually be in the hands of a pissed off opposing politician, right?

Todd Akin tried to glue my penis closed.

I want to start group called Americans for AMERICAN'S Prosperity. The difference between mine and the OTHER one? My title WON'T be a lie.

Breaking T.O. cut by the Seahawks.
....this JUST in, I don't care.
Film at 11.

Children, THAT is a phone-cord. Yes, It's a real thing....I AM NOT LYING!

If I was AL Bundy, Peg would get laid several times a day. And several times per night too. Alright, 3 times per week. I've got things to do

"Ahahahahahahaha!"
- Me to my ex's smug new guy as I hear in my head the ticking of the emotional time bomb that's going to go off. Sucker.

My testicles sing "Just the two of us" after I have sex....if I remember correctly...

Dear HALF naked women....you've go it HALF right. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
Just kidding take it off so we can get it on!

I sell long hairs to restaurants to put in your food if you're rude. #bigbusiness

Don't ride a motorcycle next to a Dodge pickup & "Mean mug" the driver. Not good. I wonder if the ambulance ride was better than his Harley?

MOST women WON'T fall for the "Let me nibble your boobs dry on this hot and sweaty day" trick...I've been told...by OTHERS...who aren't ME.

Friends send me e-mail complaining about the 400 anti Obama commercials per day they see in Philly. They HATE Romney now. Nice work moron.

PLEASE try to intimidate ME at the polls. I'm your nightmare, an informed black MAN! Your move bigots. It won't go the way you think

You don't get green teeth from green tea, you get them from soul kissing the Incredible Hulk's sister. Now don't you feel silly?

If you're swayed by political commercials, you aren't that bright. I mean, this plastic fork is worth $9000, but I'll sell to you for $5000.

REAL men drink green tea.

I want to star in a movie where guys ingest a substance, then act like d-bags. I am nothing if not innovative.

Dear children of super famous/accomplished people. Calm down, NO ONE expects you to live up to THAT! We also don't expect you to be a-holes.

You CAN'T hurt the feelings that I DON'T have for you.