Ever had food poisoning? Suggestion from a friend, DON'T get it.
You're welcome.

"Top of the food chain my ass! Call me when YOU can evolve in a way that overcomes attempts to kill you...in weeks!"
-Viruses to Humans

I'm putting Lemon and sugar on my testicles because I take tea-bagging SERIOUSLY.

I'm going to go to the bunny ranch dressed as a bunny....then NEVER reference the costume.

My friends are a lesbian couple, they were scissoring...and I ran with them. Mom was wrong. It wasn't dangerous at all. That shit was fun!

You'd think being so close to Monday, Sunday would know that it shouldn't suck.

THIS is what life is huh? *drops face into hands, jumps out window...realizes he's at ground level* Ah well, guess I'll keep trying to win.

Hulk Hogan has naked pics on the Internet!?! I consider making me know this AGAINST MY WILL assault & I'm suing the whole damned the world!

I'm making a ton of dough standing outside of congress selling "I'm an old, rich, white guy and I HATE pussy!" tee shirts.

There are TWO ways to be on 60 Minutes....
I have a feeling that I WILL be on 60 minutes. I hope it's because of my great comedy.... and NOT for my...whoa ALMOST told on myself there.

Dudes that wear eye patches ALSO only wear HALF A JOCKSTRAP over their manstuff. They...are...tough. DON'T MESS WITH THEM!

It's NOT the delivery guy she's screwing, it's the guy at the supermarket that sold her the Digiorno!

Remember when I said that people AREN'T laughing at you? The people that were laughing at you paid me to say that as we ALL laughed at you.

So, no one is here. Cool. Confession time. Two words, PROSTATE MASSAGE. One word, SELF. Two more words, RIGHT NOW. One more word, JEALOUS?

Buffet people, your "sneeze guard" isn't effective against my "lick my fingers and touch everything" assault. Checkmate. Step your game up.

I just "Mowed the lawn"...if you know what I mean. (Unfortunately, it actually means "Mowed the lawn"....life stinks)
;-)

When I buy deodorant & condoms I say to the cashier, "I like to smell good when I get booty!" I come back 45 seconds later to buy rope. Fun!

Are car companies trying to kill us with these punk ass jacks they give us? Am I fixing a tire or opening a can of tuna with this shit?

Apparently we're calling needy people "Thirsty" now huh? Well, I want to start something, let's call assholes "Brownies" now. Ya with me!?!

Bullet-free buttocks are the best buttocks....

Right Guard doesn't stop my left armpit from smelling. You know like the way left handed people can't use scissors. Those slick bastards!

Apathy. Yay! No, YOU'RE doing it wrong!

Alright life, YOU WIN!
*puts emotions into wall safe, locks it, flushes key down toilet*
(Emotionless)
...happy... now?
*lies down*

**********

DON'T gargle with OxiClean®, some ideas though "intuitive"...are really fucking stupid.

I wonder what the next social media site that we ignore each other on will be.

Guys don't know this...women that will lick you anywhere are basically asking you to marry them. And you're nuts if you don't. Nuts tee hee.

So, I guess no one can see the little blue check that I have on my twitter account just because it's only glued to MY screen, huh?

If you're outraged by the stupid shit Fox News says, do what I do to the urine soaked raving guys on subways. Hold your nose and walk away.

You've been using that teeth whitening gel and your teeth are really white. Ironic that your black teeth are all in the back now. RACIST!!

Dear teens, incense = mom and dad please burst into my room angry. You're welcome.

Want to see a woman's eyes roll to the back of her head as she screams?
Either let ME get it on with her... or make her watch the NFL Draft

Okay dude, you wipe your butt with your towel and THEN wipe down the bench? Ok. Hope you like what we ALL did to your gymbag. One-upmanship!

I wish porno directors would stop booking those guys with the tiny genitals in the films. Now women are going to expect ME to be that small.

Dear Youtube, how about making videos "Not available in this country" etc, not visible? You know, like someone who ISN'T a douche would do.

The PROS and CONS of possibly having sex with my ex...again.

"Michelle and I aren't delusional liars with money given to us by daddy"

"Uh, Mr President, that's WORSE than the SILVER SPOON line"

"Oh"

**********

Dear women with huge nipples, you do know that those things are going to be slurped EVERY DAMNED DAY, right?

I'm learning how to make my sneezes sound like the shutter sfx on my phone. I want to take butt picks WITHOUT getting my butt kicked.