Emancipation!!!!!!

The day before the change...

The revolution and my personal evolution will not be televised...

Veiled racism, misogyny, and homophobia is still racism, misogyny, and homophobia. Just thought you should know. #radio&cabletalkingheads

An automated revolving door? Wouldn't it be cheaper to just leave the door open?

It's official. The people running our political system are fucking morons. And the people that vote for them are BIGGER morons. That is all.

Come to think of it, "Bacon" IS a better name for it than "Pig abs". I stand corrected marketing guys....

Hey Arlen, imagine how different history would be if you were this much of a pit bull during the investigation of the Kennedy assassination. (A comment on his Kagan Questions)

Loan sharks vs credit cards....broken leg or broken life. It's your choice. Either way you're getting hurt. That is all.

Mmm hmm...

Meteorologists, we all know that you're secretly happy whenever there is horrendous weather...do a better job of hiding it.

Serena Williams would have to shoot a relative that I liked and do it in front of me for me, to even consider breaking up with her....

I just got home and everybody is calling me to solve their problems. I'm changing my answering machine message to leave me the hell alone!

Meteorologists, we all know that you're secretly happy whenever there is horrendous weather...do a better job of hiding it.

Is there such a thing as clinical pissed offness? If so...

If not, and I'm the first one with it...DON'T NAME IT AFTER ME!!!!!

My friends and I put on some night goggles, waited in my back yard for the right time, then ganged up on and bit some mosquitoes. Yeah!

Women love when you take baths with them, but they won't share the toilet with you...so...only the left side is for sharing? Picky, picky.

Talking points...

Have you ever found out that the person you're dating isn't who you thought they were? Yeah, sad. Thank you spy camera salesman, thank you.

"Blowing the vuvuzela" is still not as good a euphemism as "Hey honey, do you want some sausage and eggs?" Sorry world cup fans...

I'm feel unsafe on this elevator with these pretty ladies. I hope they don't try anything, I'm vulnerable. I said vulnerable! Come back!

When you order certain adult products by mail, they're packaged so your neighbors don't know, but the mailman does and he WILL laugh at you.

People still cover the former AK Gov? Really? It'd be cheaper to put a camera next to the crazy guy on the subway, they say the same stuff.

Two great tastes that taste great together. #ifbreastswerebreakfastcereal

I'm starting to think that cable news is like a dog whistle for those who haven't evolved or activated their mammalian brain yet.

...she was like the finest of wines. Cold, covered in dust and spiderwebs and hiding in a rich guy's basement....

Hazing is idiotic, childish and a waste of time...unless you are trying to become a political appointee. Then...let the a-holishness begin!

I saw two neighbors with lawn jockeys. I'm ticked off! This race sucks! I came back the next day for the results and it's still tied!!

New Supreme Court ruling! If you tell kids to get off of your car twice, you don't have to warn them to get off the hood before you pull off.

I wonder if chastity belts pushed oral sex into the mainstream....or maybe it's the fact that it feels great....

Using the confirmation hearing to trash Thurgood Marshall? Really? My new description of you guys will now start with "Steaming pile of..."

Yup.

I just looked up "toxic people"....and there was a live feed of the people around me right now.

"You call the heat oppressive? Did it start screwing some married guy behind your back!?!" (Look up digression and you'll see this quote)

It's NOT a realistic video game, it's a real baseball game, that controller is attached to NOTHING. You've got to stop drinking nail polish.

Friends with benefits means something different NOW doesn't it? Now, it means she gives access to the third input, right?

Do YOU think the first dominatrix was just a bitch and a thief who was lucky enough to pick a victim with lots of money and low self esteem?

I never kick a man when he's down. Mainly because he's down because of all of the bullets in him. Kicks would be moot then.

A show's desperation love triangle is just like a bad girlfriend's emotional affair. It's the kick in the ass you need to get out of there.

It doesn't matter if your comment is under your breath if your breath is near an open microphone. Oh, and you'd better duck....NOW!!

A couple of atheist went to my mom's church. It was going well until one of them came out in a sandman sims outfit and removed the preacher.

I have a super soaker full of hand sanitizer. Be dirty and approach me at your own risk...

Yeah, that's what I thought about today....

Why does my neighbor participate in street cleaning, but won't participate in NOT BEING AN A-HOLE? I'd much prefer the latter.

DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies when they're trying to do something. Thanks.

I'm doing a ancient dance & shaking a feather over the cut on my nephews knee. Why? Because I went to #BPmedicalschoolforantiquatedpractices

Ladies, help me understand. If you're happy with us, we can kiss all on you, but if you're mad or a sleeping stranger or an unaware cop no?

I'm the only one in the car not cursing when someone cuts me off. Why? Because I have their plate number...and lots of time! *evil laugh*

Left wing?... Right wing?...no...Austerity?... Asceticism?...no... Left leg?... Right leg?...no. I prefer the middle path, just like The Buddha.

What do you do if the neighbor's cat pulls back it's fur and shows you a gun? In other news, don't eat brownies from the stoner next door...

July 4th is coming up...the day when stupid people turn their high fives into high threes. Prepare to ask for help at the urinal!

Wait a minute! I think the BP spill is just a delayed Y2K problem! I'm so glad that I kept my water and supplies in the basement!!!!

I'm looking for a good woman, who will act like a bad woman, while dressed like catwoman... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Don't taze me bro, don't taze me bro! It's amazing...I have yet to hear a person speak in proper English while being tasered.

A friend told me that as a kid he "enjoyed himself" with a vacuum. He just asked to borrow my lawnmower. For his safety, I'm saying no.

Mr. Thomas Says...

Isn't it amazing how much cleaner your genitals get when you shower with your

girlfriend?

Going to the hot dog stand, doesn't always mean what you think it does ladies. In other news, my hot neighbor slaps harder than you'd think.

Getting left hanging on a high five is embarrassing, but not as much as explaining the profanity painted on you car hood in 5 minutes, what?

Spoiling whatever woman he dates and thus making the lives of the next guys hell since 1986. She's mad because he's not me and so's he! Ha!

I think my heavy bag is taking the beatings personally. I could almost swear, under it's breath, it just used the "N" word...

"Omega-3 fatty acids" sounds like the name of a southwest region garage band of underachieving 40somethings that hate their wives...

That's right young lady, let your 13yr old kid dress as inappropriately as you do...I mean, who wants to be an OLD grandma right? Idiot.

The only difference between WWE Smackdown and American politics? The WWE ADMITS that it's cartoonish and scripted.

Kickin' ass & taking names, then apologizing for kicking the wrong asses. *Hitting self in forehead* Names first, names first! Damn! Sorry.

So, let me get this straight, the people with the worst healthcare in America are the poor and millionaire musical geniuses? Interesting.

Making milk come out of the noses of people who didn't drink milk since 86!

BP already has it's slogan ready for future Alaska drilling rigs. "BP, making polar bears conspicuous since 2010."