Now.....

Anyone that chooses to text, socially network or make calls during your conversation with them is an ass and should be dumped asap!

People are so oblivious, it would be safer to call someone an ass at conversation level than whispering...which everyone pays attention to.

A ref in a sport we don't watch makes a bad call & people go nuts, a politician holds unemployment or 15 million hostage and...nothing. WTF!

I love having my time wasted...don't you?

Is it just me or is the term "brown nose" even more of an insult than "kiss ass" even though they basically mean the same thing?

I wish people would stop wishing ME "Happy Fathers Day" I have no children. Am I being mocked or cursed?

My new reality show pitch..."Be a douche for cash!" Huh? That's all of them? Oh...well then...I've got nothing....bye...

My family tries to devour my time, like time is a woman's erogenous zones covered in whipped cream and chocolate pudding and they're me.

Say what?....

Just wondering.... How many people in your life can take a smile off of your face just by showing up? I am now down to 3…

I've got a lawsuit. I'm suing international fútbol because "World Cup" was MY nickname. Yeah...that's right! Don't hate!

You'd be surprised at how much people respect you when you say no. But wait until they ask you for something, or they'll think you're nuts.

It's official. My old act has put in it's retirement papers. I'm getting ready to put together my new show. 2011....watch out!!!!!!

Yup, I said it...

Breaking News!!!!! The officials in last nights NBA game were all former BP executives. (I knew something was up!!)

I love hot nerdy women. They're female Clark Kents. When you get them home and the glasses come off, whew! Trust me, they have superpowers!!

World cup fans, stop blaming hot girlfriends for losses. Hell, the only reason men get GOOD at anything is to GET hot girlfriends! Duh!!!

It's not a coincidence that the car horn sound is used to bleep cursing on TV. Look behind you, it looks like the driver is getting bleeped.

It ain't stalking if you hire someone else to do the filming, right? Well, your honor? Uh, oh...

Would someone please tell the people on my porch that they're supposed to follow me ON TWITTER! Thanks. No, not you hot lady...YOU can stay....

The vuvuzela: taking away the "Can I stop now, my mouth is tired" excuse from women since the 1970s!

There are a lot of stupid people in the world. It's time to give them their own state. (Insert your favorite state full of dopes here)

Teens...as adults we know that you're conspiring whenever you whisper. That's when we listen closely and catch you. Thanks.

...in the mirror practicing my NEW go eff yourself face. It's coming along very nicely. Yeah, this one will really piss people off!

"I'm not my dad! You'd better roll that up there your damned self" -Sisyphus Jr. decides not to join the family business

Why aren't cave paintings more valuable? I mean, you get a cave with it. Who can steal that!?! *Salesman speaks* "I'll throw in the bear!"

S. Anthony Says...

Sometimes it's not just a question being asked, it's recon for the character assassination yet to come...

Sorry windmills, the tilting must continue....

The word "aberration" was created in anticipation of my birth...

If only these oil executives were as careless with their brakes.... Nah, that my hurt someone and we know how much they care about people.

Atlas shrugs in 5...4...3...2...1...

It pisses me off how many women are age inappropriate for me now. THANKS FOR THE MORAL CENTER MOM!!! *Looking up BAD old folks homes*

If you're surrounded by losers, there's a reason...I'll let you figure it out...

S. Anthony Says...

Well, President Obama spoke last night and the oil didn't jump out of the ocean by itself so....have at him!!!!

DON'T TRUST "MUTE" BUTTONS! That is all.

Coffee is on me *Barry white song plays* yeah...all over me... Ladies? Hey...dude, I said ladies.

Someone...please invent non stick public toilets. Some things...should NOT be seen. I will not elaborate.....

I'm sorry that I wasn't driving fast enough (guy behind me). I just thought that the 5 year old DIDN'T want to be run over. Enjoy your day!

Female cops eat doughbolts. #cornyonpurpose

My doubters look so good in my rear view mirror.

Don't go on & on about how you love the world cup in Arizona OR to a BP station with goldfish in the car...they will give you an evil look.

Other than for the political & environmental idiocy, the homophobia, racism & religious zealotry, future generations can't tease us at all.

I have 3 friendships that are about to go into the recycle bin.

Thanks evening news. Why do extra research, when you can act like a 13yr old trying to instigate a fight between two other 13yr olds?

BP, if you were actually helping people it would be ALL OVER THE NEWS!! You wouldn't need this lame PR! See, you're wasting money like oil!

Smart, compassionate people are quiet and complacent... morons, xenophobes, gluttons and bigots are loud and active...thus the current mess.

Why be a critical thinker, when you can blindly follow someone else's ideology?

#Cablenewsanchortraining

The lesson of the second wind...

I saw a picture of myself today. I didn't like what I saw. After I got hurt and wasn't able to work out for a couple of months I put on some weight. I didn't and currently don't look like ME. I started to have really negative thoughts about myself. It was like being the person that I WAS a few years ago...negative thoughts began to take over and I started thinking less of myself. Then I remembered a lesson that I learned when I had gotten in shape before. It is the lesson of THE SECOND WIND.

It's always there. I remember being on a stair machine 15 years ago in L.A. I was working I thought, as hard as I could. I was breathing hard, my legs burned and I thought "I can't do this, it's too hard!" I then looked at the clock and noticed that it was 3 minutes to the hour. I thought "I'll just get to the hour and stop, then I'm leaving." At the end of the three minutes I noticed something...my legs still burned but I got the feeling that I could handle it. I was breathing heavily, but I didn't feel like I was going to die. I actually started to feel good! I had gotten my second wind. I had beaten the wall.

I had passed the test that we all get. It's almost as if success wants to know that you're serious before it allows you it's rewards. That's what flashed through my mind as I saw the picture of temporarily plump S. Anthony. This post injury plumpness is nothing but a speed bump. I will be back to the old me. Physically, mentally and spiritually. It's only a matter of a little time. It is inevitable. That flashback was my mental and spiritual second wind. When it gets tough, always remember...your second wind is there waiting for you. You just have to push through the test and get it. And you will.

Today S. Anthony said...

There is a tantric sex technique that allows you to have a full orgasm with just the power of your mind (True) TAKE THAT VIBRATORS!!!

Make up sex? I'd rather have sex with your makeup!

Join our beautiful baby contest. Begin training your child now, that they aren't valid unless other people approve of their looks...

Dollar store...I love you.

Aww, is the sound of the vuvuzela bothering the players at the world cup? Aww, in Philly people used to get hit with snowballs you pussies!!

Can we put the van der sloot kid in a Snuggie and drag his murdering ass in the ocean to help clean up the oil spill?

If you obnoxiously follow a sports team just because they're successful at the moment, you are a dick. That is all.

Don't refer to your woman's breasts as "The A-team"...there are so many ways for it to go wrong before she realizes that it's a compliment.

Breaking Cable news!! President Obama to clog oil leak with thousands of unsuspecting grandparents. The death panels are back! Film @ 6 & 11

Why do we let oil and wall street executives even open their mouths? It's like expecting the truth from a 5yr old with crumbs on her face.