Hey, don't judge!!!!

Any woman that will give you a 30 min prostate massage is a keeper...my friend said...who isn't me...because that would be weird...so...

Wait, it's not testicle touch Tuesday? Then that would make my neighbor...A LIAR!!! I'll be right back. I've got an ass to kick!

It's titty sucking Tuesday! Ladies, the line starts here. Don't worry, I won't leave until I get around to everyone!

Visiting female teenage cousins, I see your teenage angst and I raise with my adult bitterness, indifference and home ownership. I win.

Some must get drunk to get a hangover that has them throwing up in the bathroom. I just have to ignore my initial urge to avoid the family.

Read This...

Even if you trust the woman tying you up...always investigate the snickering and the flashing red light coming from the closet. Ya dig?

My right hand is totally unimpressed with my ability to almost endlessly delay my orgasms. Tantric sex is NOT like solitaire.

When you're watching a relatives kid ( a little demon) how long do you have to close your eyes at the park before someone takes them away?

shot for perfection...missed and hit imperfection dead in the chest. Now he's stuck with it. #thirdpersonnonsequiturs

....how did you know that my nickname was "Iron kegels?"

My friends are now trying to marry me off. I have no problem finding women. I just need to find one who's crazy mixes properly with mine.

Yup, that's what I said...

Thanks morning news for all the important info. Rich young guys like sleeping with hot stupid women huh? Writing...that...down...

It's okay to dislike all of the people in your family that AREN'T YOU...right?

Do you know what my favorite thing about bullies is? The sound of them crumpling onto the ground.

Have you ever just looked at someone and just know that they'll taste delicious? Of course you have...and yes, yes I do.

I would love to be the meat in a Tina Fey-Kristen Wiig sandwich.

All of this great DNA and no one to plant it in. It's been a bad year. (Hookers don't count right?...No? Then yeah, a bad year.)

My last three girlfriends were like Neapolitan ice cream. One was chocolate, one was vanilla and one was always on her period.

The S. Man Says...

I don’t need a new lease on life, I own mine now. No balloon payments and no eviction notices. Ok, it’s a fixer upper…but the sh!t is mine.

Why are women called cougars when WE eat THEM? http://tumblr.com/xjm8g6ew5

A guy I know saw a hottie and said "If I had a woman like that, I'd never argue with her!" My reply "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Get real douchebag!"

You can't say fire in a Theater, bomb on an Airplane and apparently they frown on the word "Buttf*ck" in a Proctologist office. Who knew?

I really wish that the phone company would contact everyone when a phone number is changed. Everyone that called that number should be told that the the previous owner will no longer answer. I had the joy of having the phone number of a young attractive woman who seemed to be very friendly to several inmates. How friendly you ask? Lets just say that she would have no trouble differentiating between said inmates by taste.

As surprising as this may seem, once a beautiful woman sucks on your junk...you tend to want to know when that experience will be repeated...and you want to know NOW! Sometimes NOW means 3am when the new owner of the number has just returned from telling jokes to strangers and wants to fucking sleep! I have since solved the problem. Unfortunately for the new owner of the number, they have to now deal with horny inmates that were just cursed out repeatedly by an angry comedian. And so it goes. I hope YOU don't get the number next.

The S. Man Says...

A guy at a swap meet tried to sell me USED underwear...USED! Finally...someone who understands me. Wait...what?

When I think about it, "Planned Parenthood" IS a much better name than "Ha Ha...got you!"

Fishing, Hunting, Rock climbing etc...not just fun activities, but built in plausible deniability if you ever have to kill a friend.

I'm a people pleaser. No, that's not a euphemism your honor....I don't care what that film says.

Man, the doorknob at this church is burning hot...it's not to you? Oh. This is gonna be a long Sunday. #awayfromchurchtoolong

I am NOT on any prescription drugs. That will change soon because my neighbor is about to leave for work.

Why does cheese taste better melted...and why is a woman more sexy after the restraining order? Whoa... sounded less scary in my head.

"Look at that bitch, she thinks she's cute. She's a slut, letting everybody touch all over her!" #jealouskindlesseeinganipadforthefirsttime

Mr. Thomas Speaks...

... in other news Gloria Allred was retained by Trans fat in it's defamation lawsuit against every dietitian in the world. Film @ 6 & 11

Treat your lady like she's everything to you...women bang him until he walks funny. Battle of the sexes OVER! Now...on to climate change...

When you lower your expectations, make sure whatever you're lowering them for has already hit rock bottom! (You know who you are don't you?)

NOTHING good EVER happens in a public bathroom. Damned cops, security cameras, high price of chloroform and....wait...what?

My friend is Chinese & learned English from a guy with an English accent. I TRIED to do an impression of him & my mouth started bleeding.

If you + gun is so unintimidating that you HAVE TO "Pistol Whip" people, remember...in prison, you'll have no gun. Enjoy the "Train" a-hole.

Good news for ladies with High Blood Pressure...I've got low sodium testicles! Slurp away! Thanks in advance.

I get the same thrill writing a clean joke that I do writing the dirty ones. I'm maturing. I've got to put a stop to that.... sh!t!

The worst place to be the victim of a bait and switch is the champagne room. I'm told...by others...who are not me...SHUT UP!

S. Anthony Says...

I wonder if I'd be so well informed if there weren't so many smoking hot newswomen in my home town. Yes, I watch the news bottomless.

I had it strapped to my face for over an hour before I realized that "ipad" was just a brand name. Public schools, they're FANTASTIC!

Wow! I just found the instruction manual for my junk. It says "Store in warm, moist, tight space" Hmm....if only such a place existed...

Somewhere between extremes lies a vast expanse called truth & common sense. Join us here, there’s plenty of room… unfortunately.

My neighbor has a vicious pit bull that everyone is afraid of. There's no need for fear. Show the dog love by giving him chocolate daily.

I'm just sitting here at Walmart watching parents live vicariously through other parents who don't mind beating THEIR kids. Good times.