The S. Man Sayeth...

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S. Anthony Says...

Birds of a feather flock together...which makes it easier to shoot them. (Editors note: "Birds" means people who piss me off)

Why do people thank God for Friday? You still have to work! Screw that! I say T.G.I.S. Thank God it's SATURDAY! That is all.

Office romances can be trouble. I got yelled at when I was caught. "Hey, you don't work here! Get out before I call the cops!!!"

If you are a guy and your doctor wants to put you in stirrups...CHECK HIS CREDENTIALS! Also, they cannot "Numb the area" by licking it.

Old people doing a demolition derby in their scooters in a Walmart parking lot...I have officially now seen it all.

I wish that the president had outlawed torture before my last relationship. Oh, and also being a cheating tramp. Who's bitter!?!

When asked to submit position papers, don't say "Doggie style". They will not laugh. Neither will security as they throw your ass out.

Tough? Hell yeah I'm tough! I'm on parole for viciously attacking pit bulls!

When you're duct taped on a bed it's SEXY! A trunk?....NOT SEXY. Half nude and hitchhiking home now...

Mr Thomas Speaks...

It's hump day! Bend over world, I'm coming...well eventually. I do do tantra.

My reality show is my back window, the one that faces the house full of narcissistic exhibitionists. Aw yeah!

You call it looking at my neighbor naked in her bathroom through a telescope, I call it distance learning. Can we agree to disagree officer?

When your woman said she was going out for some polish sausage that's not what you had in mind huh? Stop crying! #worldsworstsupportgroup

Now because of Jihad Jane, Philly has to hear about snowballs thrown at Santa AND terrorism.

I have a friend with a Prius if there is anyone that wants to get even with an ex...I mean...need to borrow a fuel efficient car...*wink*

After several slaps to the face, I finally realized that "Palm Sunday" didn't mean what I thought. Apologies ladies, to you and your booties.

Smoke Rings is a band? So, when your sister says she likes to blow smoke rin...oh. Well you should have been suspicious, she's a non smoker.

S. Anthony Says...

"SCHIZOPHRENIA" is such an ugly name. How about....never alone syndrome? Marketing twitfam...marketing...

Couldn't perverts have chosen something other than a raincoat to wear? Now, when I walk bottomless by a college, people look at ME funny.

Hey Google, add a search to women so young guys can figure out what the hell they want. Older guys know...Shut up and do what they say!

Deaths happen in threes? Who's selling guns that have just three bullets in them? Are they cheaper? I mean, I am on a budget.

KISSING cousins? F*cking tease.

Why did my ex nickname my junk "Milk?" Because it does a body good? Because of the discharge? Because it regularly comes out of a cow? What?

When you go to the pound to pick up a new dog...don't ask for cooking suggestions. They don't think it's funny. And you will be on "A list".

Overheard a woman complaining about her boyfriend leaving just after she got his name tattooed on her face. Gee, I wonder why he left her...

I remember as a kid when I found out that "Junk" meant a man's "Stuff". I finally understood why Fred Sanford always walked so funny.

The S. Man Says...

I went to a dating party, I left early. I was too damned loud. I couldn't hear anything with all of those biological clocks ticking!

Irresponsible use of a fire alarm...creative way to get a better parking space....

To-"MAY"-to...To-"MAH"-to.

To me everyday is International Woman’s Day. Really. (Editors Note: When I'm in a relationship, this attitude gets me laid alot!! )

Healthcare crisis solved! I'm going to try to get dual American/Canadian citizenship. Take that special interest groups & racist protesters!

A lady was selling PDA's. I...uh...misunderstood. I would like to thank the nice lady selling the Blackberry for not calling the cops.

There's tons of drugs in the water because people flush pills. That's why dogs drink from the toilet, they're getting high! Slick bastards!

My right hand wants to "Just be friends"

To impress women, I show them the fingernail marks on the back of my head.

Kegel exercises are for punks and wimps. I did junk curls at the gym last night! Yeah! In other news, re-constructive surgery hurts...

S. Anthony Says...

*whispering* I know who wins the Oscars 2nite...here we go...*Gunshots*... My dog!!...Uh, I was mistaken. I know nothing...

I normally form my own opinions, but now that I've seen this commercial...I...feel...compelled...to vote against...my own best interest...

Is eating skinny women healthier?

Does the Michelin man wear a rubber when he has sex? Probably not, it would be too close to screwing a relative. I'd suggest lamb skin.

Some pissed of clay pigeons started shooting at me.

I wonder...which one of my testicles is the "Evil" twin?

A handjob = she's just not that into you...because she obviously doesn't want you to go into her.

I Was Just Thinking...

Today I'm hiding from my family. Well, emotionally anyway.

No one ever robs the "Chinese Food" stores in the hood. See folks...give people what they want and they won't shoot you. Remember that.

Cats...can't...fly. F.Y.I...when my neighbor gets drunk, he thinks that cats CAN fly. Walk under his window on weekends at your own risk.

Why do they use a pistol to start races? I mean did we just turn people running from a gun crazed madman into a sport?

What is the gift for 60 years of marriage?...A suicide pact?

Vagina. The ultimate killer app.