Dear inventor of the grilled cheese sandwich, there is no greater person than you.

Dear TV networks, just admit that you don't even try on Fridays. It'll make you feel better to come clean

Why would you want someone to pinch you to see if you're dreaming? Doesn't the bilingual unicorn slow dancing with the Mona Lisa tell you?

Coming this fall, a new show, "Fu*king with poor people for the amusement of strangers"
Fridays at 9!

I don't have guns in my house, they're dangerous.
*to nephews*
Hey! It's your brother's turn to play with the grenade launcher....selfish.

Dear drug dealers doing perp walks after getting caught with MILLIONS of dollars of drugs...it's okay to make just 100 thousand a year.

Moonlit strolls are romantic because nothing turns a woman on more that watching you fight off a mugger.

Louis Farrakhan, Fran Drescher, a wedding... now THAT'S a reality show!

People were suspicious about my wardrobe malfunction when they saw "Look at me!" and plugs for my website written on my buttocks.

Hackers broke into my bank account and left money. I would normally be insulted, but I love my new TV.

Don't ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you're sure that she is. Also, don't do it on your cell phone from the bus station.

Please, someone, find a way to make reality shows illegal.


Tablet computer companies are having more vicious battles than 90's rappers.
Can we all just get along?
...and be more realistically priced?

5 people that care is better than 5 thousand that don't give a shit. Better than that? ONE that sleeps with you five days per week...

Running people off the road because you're on a cellphone should be an Olympic sport. If it ever happens, I just met a gold metalist.

No, of course you don't need to stop at the STOP SIGN. I've lived long enough. I didn't have any plans for the last 50 years of my life.


8am:

Had green tea & decaf coffee as I listened to teens brag about being pregnant and fighting other pregnant teens.

I’m leaving the planet…

Yay! A person holding up the line at the market with idiotic requests and rudeness! Dear god, four words, Give her FOOD POISONING.
Thanks.

It's weird when the people who used to get their diapers changed by you ask you to babysit their babies. It's weirder when you say FUCK NO!

Talking like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons in real life will make people punch you in the face.

From the makers of "Scandal" comes "Aw Shit!" starring S. Anthony Thomas as the lover of the first White Female President. Huh? Cancelled? Already? Wow...

People that are faint of heart really don't have any cool stuff made for them do they?

Dear super attractive people that try too hard, fuck you.
- Guys/Ladies that top out at "Cute"

Baby's first word "Mama".
Second word "Dada".
Third word (after parents leave the room) "Suckers"

Obama comes out against Congress acting sensibly. Congress quickly begins working for the American people to spite him. Film at 11!

People that put too much cream in their coffee...you are RACISTS!!!!!
(Let's see how many dumbasses can't figure out that I'm joking...)


Wow, look at that ass! I would absolutely eat THAT!
- Lions watching the Kentucky Derby

Dear kid me watching Sally Field's Norma Rae, I know what seeing her in that tight shirt is gonna make you do. GO FOR IT! It'll be worth it!

I would watch the Kentucky Derby but only after I finish watching this wet spot on the carpet dry up.

Thanks for telling me what God said. How did you hear him from that far away? I mean I just said get away from me and you didn't hear THAT.

I want to take the word "Swag" and ANY reference to that word, cover it with gas, light it on fire and shoot it as I throw it from a plane.

MultiTASK? I'm multiAPATHETIC, there's a ton of things I don't give a shit about...

Why do guys try NOT to get bitten by hot lady vampires?

The "N" word just called me the "N" word. Yes... words CAN hurt...

I'd rather cut you out of my life than leave more than two voice mail messages.

I don't know who came up with the term "Sausage Fest"...but you are not allowed to come up with any more terms.

I hate electronic cigarettes. Why? Because we have to come up with ANOTHER excuse to make you go outside...I'm too nice to say we hate you.