Happy 54th Birthday to my favorite entertainer.

PRINCE

Breaking fake news! Baby puts dumb guy in washer, screams PAYBACK IS A BITCH!! Film AT 11!

Soylent Green is PEOPLE! RUN! What? It's "Pee-pal" an abundant newly discovered soy based supplement? Well, you should write more legibly.

Masturbate watching porn...acceptable to people Same activity holding a magazine....Ridiculed Same activity while typing this....uh....

I'm working on a prequel to Two and a half men called "Alan Harper, don't tap that ass!" He doesn't listen...


"If annoyed to the point of violence, kick the crap out of the bastard!"
- The Buddho (Not a typo, it's his less enlightened cousin)

I just pimp slapped some pimps with even bigger pimp's pimps. Yeah, I'm the man.

I taught Spider-man how to stick to walls, he wasn't a good enough student for my Flying class. Maybe next time. Yup, I'm better than YOU.

I play 27 Card Monte. Yup, I'm better than YOU.

Women that get in bed with you, convince you to put on their panties, then point and laugh while saying "Got ya!" are mean. I'm told.

A message to women that let me IN THEM REGULARLY, I need almost nothing else. Okay, a little butt stuff, but other than THAT, I'm good.

I want to start people using the word 'twas again. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

I wonder what percentage of those Moms against JCPenney® have husbands that know what balls taste like?

Isn't it time for them to come up with a rabies PILL?

Women need to learn that the ropes don't need to be so tight, I'm not going to try and stop you from su...I've said too much.

Summer is coming! It's almost time to go to a theme park and turn our kids into tiny stunt people who eat too much!!!

Am I weird? I seem to be able to get a date without doing a tug of war or eating blended wolf testicles. Is reality TV right OR am I wrong?


Dear my cousin's cat, you may be able to lick YOUR OWN genitals and I need someone else to do that, but I get a meal and massage too, so F U.

Guys, calling a woman "Bacon Boobs" is a nice way of breaking the ice...but ONLY if she knows how much you LOVE bacon. AND boobs.

I'm taking CIALIS® before my next bath. I want to give my rubber duck and boats a beacon so they don't get lost in all of those bubbles

Whenever Maury is taping his show, I get it on with his wife....according to the lie detector...

Mashed potatoes = MURDER!...If you're a potato...then again potatoes can't talk, or feel...where am I going with THIS? I need MORE sleep...

"So, let me get THIS straight..."
- A penis mechanic

Sometimes I see people that make me think  even DNA takes a lunch break sometimes.

Although the level of emotional toxicity around me isn't "Fatal", it has reached the level of "Chronic illness" I will of course manage it.

I'm hoping I can get President Obama to write an excuse note to get me out of the conversation that I'm currently stuck in...

Officer, I have a Bluetooth so I am not distracted by my phone. Would you like a burger from my passenger seat grill?

I saw an actual phone booth today. You'd think people would understand that changing clothes in there was "nostalgia", NOT a "misdemeanor"

Why do women resist getting their butts slurped until you slurp their butts....and then won't let you STOP slurping their butts?

My sister must really drive fast. I'm watching the POV shots from the driver during the FEDEX 400 car race and thinking MOVE I'm late!!!

When someone says they're going to "Rake me over the coals" it freaks them out when I say COOL! You're going to make me juicy and delicious!

I had a girlfriend named celebrex in school, ironically I gave her arthritis in her left hand. She was nice.

Jiggling butt cheeks make me dizzy. NOT yours sir! That hot girl next to you! Narcissist!

I'm drinking juice made from an orange's liquefied guts...yeah, it just got REAL

I'm NOT looking bat your breasts! I have a name tag fetish!

I like to take pictures of people in the parking lot with my phone while holding duct tape and muttering "THIS is gonna be soooo easy!"

Breaking fake news! Congress votes to ban universal remotes from having the same access to batteries as regular remotes.

Why burn down a bridge behind you? Just burn the people individually that try to cross after you. It's cheaper and still sends the message.

"Not just anyone can pull off THIS outfit!"
- A guy about to be stripped naked by a group of people not good at understanding context

I just bit a bedbug while it was sleeping. See, it's not so cute when it happens to you ya little bastard! Go ahead, tell the hotel manger!

Watching one of my best friends (a white guy) ignore his wife's big ass is like watching him use a winning lottery ticket as a coaster.

fjdbgsdghlkjdnblbnlskfng. Alright! Who left the Rosetta stone next to the jackhammer!?!

Projectile vomiting is for punks. I have now invented "Trick shot vomiting". You're NO LONGER SAFE around corners designated drivers!

Ironically I fantasize about having sex with Flo from Progressive in a moving car.

At the dollar store, I give them real dollars, but the 8% sales tax.. is fake. Yeah, suck on that counterfeit nickel and three fake pennies!


When I do "Eye contact", I actually put my eye on you.


"Hi sir, I want to regularly thrust my thing deep into your daughter!"
- What EVERYTHING you say sounds like to dads

************

Have you ever lost respect for a celebrity because of who they married? You know what I mean, some kinky, depraved sex freak that you know is doing weird things to her daily.

I want to be that reason, do you hear me Serena Williams?

Remember all of those jokes I've told about not giving a shit anymore? Well...I really mean it now.

Did you know that they keep oranges in little cages so they can't move just so their muscles stay soft, and then kill them so the meat is....huh? That's veal? Oh, so I guess I should call off the protest outside of the Tropicana plant huh?

Kissin' cousins, meet "Watchin', recordin' and sellin' the film to people who will then be masturbatin' neighbor" who'll be profitin'

How is THAT guy called a BOUNCER when everyone he's thrown down the steps here has just gone splat? FALSE ADVERTISING!

People not giving a crap has never stopped me before...and thus I continue my quest to become...the NEW Lord of the DANCE!!!!!

One of my testicles is higher than the other. I guess it bought better weed.

If a smoking hot woman asks to buy you a drink in a nightclub...she wants your kidney and your credit card numbers, okay? You're welcome.

I know that you put your finger in my drink waitress. Wait until you find out what I did to your tip money...

"I love to push through boundaries!" - Guy who likes getting his ass whipped by riot police