I'm Just Saying...

There's smart, then there's K-mart smart. I have had personal contact with the intelligence level there...might not want to promote that.

A friend just mailed the directors cut of "Two girls one cup" I don't know what it's about but I can't wait to screen it at my dinner party.

I'm dating a nympho-minimalist. Hot sex but only once a month.

Medical studies show that lots of sex with S.Anthony Thomas is a cure for most diseases in women. Just putting it out there for no reason...

I'm going to get a jump on 2010 by simultaneously making and breaking my new years resolutions..helloooo cheesecake, beer and 20 somethings!

I owe my GPS an apology. Whenever I would turn onto my ex girlfriends block it would say "Wrong turn"...as it turns out, the GPS WAS right.

Was Santa just a criminal that got caught in the last house? "Uh...stealing...no...I was BRINGING you this stuff..."

I'm Just Saying...

My cheating ex got cheated on by the guy she cheated with... WHO NAILED HER SISTER...what goes best with schadenfreude red or white wine?

I believe in the theory.."What a person will do with you, they'll do to you." That's why I don't participate in gang bangs.

It's never a good sign when people suggest skinny dipping while snickering. Don't let them hold your clothes either. Anyone have a towel?

Dysfunctional family? Show me one fu(king functional one! I have yet to see one. The ones that LOOK the most normal are the MOST fu(ked up!!

One word doesn't make a difference? I peed in the POOL...I peed in the POOL HALL. One is gross, the other gets you beaten up by bikers.

When are hookers gonna start taking debit cards?

Drug mules as kids party clowns...Here's your balloon kid. An animal? No. It's in the shape of my intestines...give it to your dad.

"Paper or plastic?" Nah, I'll stick with latex condoms thank you.

I'm Just Saying...

Guy bumped into my car, he didn't have insurance. He had an attitude, I had a gun....I have two cars.

Just heard two teenage girls fighting over which boyfriends electronic ankle bracelet was best. Is there anyway to speed up global warming?

I am three more bad dates away from trying a mail order bride service....

Is it a bad sign that my date has "Buns of Steel" right underneath "The Road Less Traveled" on her book shelf? I like having options.

My shoulder is healing nicely. Don't believe me?....here's proof. 10 carolers on my lawn, 6 apples on my table....5 direct hits! I'm back!!

I NOW officially know more about Tiger Woods penis than mine. Thanks "mainstream media".....STFU ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEFORE you drink, make sure that the hole in your briefs is in the FRONT. Please. Some things SHOULDN'T be attempted.

For the first time my nephew beat me in basketball...I didn't feed him for a day after that.... Just to remind him who the Alpha still is...

Thanks Bluetooth, now I can't tell who the crazy people are.

.....if those machines on the infomercials actually worked, they wouldn't have to come out with new ones every 6 weeks....HELLO!!!

I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. Not my mom you freaks! The bisexual Asian lady he married later.

Just my luck, I was gonna wash my car and it rains, then I was gonna sleep with my girlfriend and......(Insert Punchline Here)

From the makers of "Your Baby Can Read" comes the new "Your Baby Can Testify"....You have now been warned.

The Police are really inflexible about that whole "Handicapped Only Parking" thing. I'll bet it's because i'm black.

They say look at your woman's mom to see how she'll look in 20 years. Well, I was wondering how she'd be in bed in 20 years.....so.....

Hey blind homeless dude, if you're blind how did you see me take the money out of your cup? YOU ARE DISHONEST!!!!

Give a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him.. A lifetime. Give him a gun he'll eat whatever the f**k he wants...Problem?...Thought not!

I'm Just Saying...

Word to the wise. If you play the game "F**k, Marry, Kill" it is to be played... HYPOTHETICALLY. That is all.

Things that I have learned today:

1) Don't shave your pits & use spray deodorant

2)Don't do it in the store

3)Always wear pants at the store

4)Tasers burn...I gotta go...

What's that officer, put the baby in the baby seat? I knew I did something wrong. Grandma, switch seats with the baby.

Crack didn't sell as well under it's original name..."Crunchy Smokey lip burning goodness"

Something told me not to trust this lady, now I'm in this tub of ice without one of my kidneys....Now I can't drink as much. Damn it!

The Scooter Store markets to the elderly and the injured, but I think that they are neglecting the lucrative "Lazy ass" demo.

DWTS, J&K + 8, Real Housewives etc...The MAYANS were wrong. It's not the end of the world in 2012, it'll just seem like it to smart people.

Breaking Fake News! French designers unite to tell Lady Gaga "You dress too weird!" Film @ 6 & 11.

A restraining order means you should STAY AWAY from someone, it is NOT an order TO RESTRAIN someone. Wooops. Um...tasers burn.

It's illegal to drive when on a cellphone which is why I abruptly shut off my car when I get a call. Don't do that. Like I said tasers burn.

I'm Just Saying...

Don't you wish some people were actually SLAPPED with a subpoena?

Comcast to take over NBC....Allen Iverson to take over The Jay Leno show. Film @ 6 & 11!

I also banged Tiger Woods. Hey, if other people can lie to become famous why not me? I also shot Abraham Lincoln.

They should card people who see New Moon. "You're 21...too old!" "You're a dude....c'mon man...no!"

FYI...DO NOT use public transportation as a get away car. Also the dye from the exploding dye pack DOES NOT come out of leather....I'm told.

Breaking Fake News! Rich young guys like getting laid!!! Film @ 6 & 11!!!!

Breaking Fake News! The New York Senate has just voted to ban smiling before 10am Mon-Fri...Let freedom ring! Film @ 6 & 11

Enough with Tiger Woods already, lets get back to important news damnit! Did you see how delicious Kim Kardashian's ass looked on Leno?

Don't you get the feeling that Ivan Pavlov would take one look at the Jerry Springer show and say "You mean, I could have used people?"

If I didn't always use counterfeit money it would really piss me off when a store pulled the old bait and switch.

If you make love to your woman in Australia you have to lick her nipples counter clockwise. Just letting you know.

Hey! Don't make me go Postal...and by that I mean turning my back to you and pretending to work as you grow more frustrated and impatient.

Asked out a gorgeous woman who said no graciously. I wish she was mean. It'd make me feel less guilty about my preemptive tire slashing.

I'm Just Saying...

Can you tell what a person does for a living by looking at them? Can people tell I'm a comedian by this ski mask i'm wearing at the bank?

So, Tiger Woods doesn't stop at 18 holes. Sorry. I...sorry...couldn't help myself....

The new Prius runs on baby seal juice and Styrofoam....I think they are missing the point now.

When you call someone in the phone book to pick U up after your car breaks, make sure it's "AAA". I got "AA". Quite an eventful ride home.

If we could cure diseases with ear, nose, and back hair, as well as belly fat...then middle aged men could regain their former lofty status.

I'm Just Saying...

Portion control is important. That's why crack vials are so small...well yours anyway.

Donny Osmond won "Dancing w/t Stars" I don't watch the show yet I know this. Can I sue the media that forced me to know this with assault?

Gorgeous women should only sleep with ugly guys....don't be selfish hotties....think of the future...

I don't have erectile dysfunction, but i'm glad that there are pills to take if it ever happens...like cyanide.

Sudoku was invented by a guy who got a kick out of watching people stare at something for 30 min, get mad and break pencils. Weird fetish.

Two guys I know were fighting, who can't fight. I knew they wouldn't hurt each other. They got hurt worse by how hard I laughed at them.

Little known fact: If a woman serves you with a restraining order, if you put your fingers in your ears and say "LA LA LA" it doesn't count.

Saw my ex girlfriend with her new guy. I almost want to apologize to him for making her available. He doesn't know...the clock is ticking.

Sorry middle aged white guys, when Oprah leaves, your wife is gonna want to discuss your relationship with someone...get ready hahahahaha!