"Safe word? That was an option?"
- The last few words before the ambulance and police arrive

If I'm there when you come out of the shower, I am going to sniff you. I'm just telling you so it won't get weird...okay....weirdER.

Serena Williams.

Sloane Stephens.

I hope this tennis match lasts for a year... then I hope they both come to my house and marry me.

I save my armpit hair. Why dye it when you can just reuse your own?

See? I'm always thinking.

Lapdancers pay to sit in my lap.

I used to practice KISSING on my hand. Now...my hand goes ALL THE WAY! 

Yeah... she brings her twin sister too. Aw yeah...

Fake boobs and fake buttcheeks taste like the real thing so I'm okay with them.

Okay ladies, we counter your "Twerking" with our "Click clacking"
Yeah. It's on.

I'm trying to get "Hot Woman Armpit sniffing" into the Olympics.

Yeah, nothing is going to happen to you. Just keep walking around this bad neighborhood with that ipad in your hands...

Don't call your testicles "Baby baskets" on a first date.

If you DON'T dip your chocolate chip cookies in milk....I can't trust you. You're like the dealer that won't smoke weed...NARC!!!!!!!

Until you get out of the barrel, you don't realize that you used to be a crab. Speaking of crabs, did your sister get hers taken care of?

I defeat my enemies when I make them friends - The Dalai Lama
Crush the bastards! They shouldn't have screwed with me! - The S. Anthony

I'm not afraid of the "Friend zone". I usually get to date the friends of the friend...so....friend zone away. YOUR friends will thank YOU.

Google now just told me "Not now!". It changed it's mind when I started to hold it close to the "Old cellphone box".

I run THIS!

Women taste better when they're happy.

Women like to be licked awake...but not on the bus...or if they don't know you...or if they're riding home from Krav Maga class....

Dear guys STILL selling bootleg DVD's at the barber shop....you don't have a computer at home...do you?

If a person wraps their couch in plastic, pee on it.

I wait until a fly gets caught in a glue trap...then I trash talk it until it dies...
DON'T...FUCK...WITH...ME!

Obama...blamed for Katrina....no, not delusional or racist at all. Nope. C'mon, people, melanin isn't scary...c'mon, touch it. See?

"Ben Affleck as Batman? Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"
- Spider-man

You STILL watch DVD's? What are you 100?
- Teen about to get beaten up by an adult

Yeah, dude you DO look cooler pushing the baby stroller by one handle only. Hey, why don't you put on sunglasses too? Yeah...cool.

Ladies, you're not the only ones that like booty rubs.

I'm pissed off at the people that make bullet proof stuff necessary.

It doesn't matter how many "Friends" you have, what matters is that at least two of them aren't pieces of shit.

Cable news makes the WWE look like a emmy winning movie of the week.

When a cute woman says "Kiss my ass", I take it literally"...then, they come to me and say it daily, without prompting.

Dear thieves, I hope someone steals your teeth...

Now: Cute

9 months from now:

(After my new workout program) : Yummy

Tyler Perry directed my last relationship I think...

See those "Endless pools" where you swim in the same place, I've had whole relationships like that...including the big hole in the floor.

*slips envelope full of catnip to local cat and points to pigeon that crapped on his car, cat takes envelope and nods menacingly*

We hear you unreasonable lady at the counter trying to start an argument about nothing...we hear you....

In my past life I looked into the future and saw me being cooler than you in THIS life too.

I would pimp slap people but pimps want to be paid for using their slap...and if you don't pay they pimp slap you...

Weird huh?

I don't like Capri Suns because they make you look like a giant vampire drinking from a body bag.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach a man and he'll think, "Does this motherf*cker know there is a supermarket right there?"

I drew a bath and now I have an ass covered in paper cuts. Just kidding, the paper cuts were already there. The ink marks are new...

Passionate lovemaking burns hundreds of calories, boning your neighbor's sister burns your car and almost your house. 

Great, NOW I have to add sound to my fake laughs when my grandpa tells lame ass jokes! Thanks Miracle Ear!

"I don't do Windows."

- Everybody in my family that owns a computer

Your kid's ass stinks, no need to smell it. Also, she's 24.

Imagining people's cars exploding in front of you does make traffic jams go by quicker....I'm told...

Monday just touched my ass. I liked it. I'm going to ask for it's phone number...

Grandma's era: Lynchings
Mom's era: Civil rights movement
My era: Barack Obama President
My future kids era: ???

Dear racists, fuck you.