Dear criminals, there are these things called CAMERAS everywhere. Now is a good time to stop being pieces of sh*t.

My last relationship was a false flag operation.

Dirty jokes:

Beautiful women taste like strawberries. To be honest It may have something to do with the strawberry preserves I spread on their butts.

Wow....just... WOW! - Women right after banging me

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to...I was going to say something profound but screw that! Boobs boobs boobs!!!!

I told the barista at Starbucks that my name was Supermeat McVagstretcher. My coffee is ALWAYS free.

My comfort food just called me the "N" word.

My stalker is using a subcontractor. I can see a difference in quality. Who uses a stencil to write "You're mine!" in blood on a driveway?

When I watch cable news, it makes me long for the good old days when you had to become ill or extremely old BEFORE you went crazy or senile.

I can't wait until smartphones get IMAX® screens so I can start sending people "Dick Picks"

Shoot for greatness in your life. Bang me.

I NORMALLY don't feed trolls, but these bulging soup cans and raw chicken should really go to someone who'll appreciate them. Eat up trolls!

Karma is a bitch...to YOU. I've actually had some productive conversations with her and well... we're dating now. See? Talking it out works!

I don't choose to be offended by EVERYTHING because I'm not a huge d-bag. I'm talking to YOU cable news talking heads and talk radio hosts.

My ex used to say my balls were salty but she said NOTHING about the barbecue sauce and the stir fried veggies on them. Insensitive witch!

I pass for white. In other news, I only make friends with stupid people.

"Why the hell do you keep staring at my girl man?"
- Rick Springfield's friend Jesse

I vote with my wallet....because the person in the booth before me picks his nose and I'm not touching that shit.

Do they STILL draw chalk outlines around bodies? Where are the security camera blind spots? Does sound travel in here? Huh? Never mind why!

I liked the good old days when I scared babies. Now they all love me. Guess I'll have to start doing shit to make the parents scared of me.

Some bad stuff happened or didn't, we don't know. But we're going to report it ANYWAY.
-CNN


CNN Reports that I'm an old white woman. So it MUST be TRUE!

Oh shit, the President sounded like ME at his press conference....minus the "Fuck those cowards" part of course.

#USSenate

Breaking! Senate DOESN'T have enough votes to pass the "Don't push grandparents down the steps for fun" bill. Film at 11!

Breaking! A pissed off President Obama storms off after press conference, finds Joe Wilson and pimp slaps him. Film at 11!


"Whoa whoa whoa! DON'T slander OUR profession by calling THEM whores TOO!"
- Whores find out about the Senate vote and distance themselves

Why does the TSA agent have to lick your neck while squeezing your butt? Also, why is this agent not in uniform and in my house?

If you make a product and selling it at the dollar store was your first choice....I'm not buying that shit no matter what it is.

A moment for Boston

I was giving a family member a ride and turned on the radio to hear news about the tragedy at the Boston Marathon. As the host spoke, he drew us in with his kind words about the victims and families of the victims.

Then...

Within 15 seconds, this "Man" went from The Boston Marathon to Benghazi to insulting and blaming the President. Really? Really pal? The tears are STILL on the faces of friends and family. The blood is STILL on the victims. The horror is STILL fresh for the nation....and you spent 15 seconds on the tragedy and the rest of the time making cheap, inaccurate, political points....or so you think. Some people have no shame. The intentionally ignorant, the bigoted, those that lack humanity and compassion are the only people that gave you the "head nods" and "Right on buddy" that you sought.

They are NOT the majority sir. If you wish to understand what the MAJORITY of us are like, look at the people running TOWARD the explosions. These people were NOT concerned with the political affiliation, skin color, or race of the victims. They just knew PEOPLE needed help. And that's what they did and do. THAT'S who WE are sir. WE don't see times like these as opportunities for pushing the bullshit agenda of our corporate pimps. But, I guess that's why you are you and the rest of us...the MAJORITY of humans, don't like or listen to you or people like you.

How could we?

Also, fuck off.

(I feel comfortable speaking for many as I say that our thoughts and hearts go out to those hurt and killed in Boston as well as their friends and families.)