Expect NOTHING from OTHERS and EVERYTHING from YOURSELF. Your life is now better than It was 7 seconds ago. You're welcome.

If I marry a famous lady and people call me Mr. (Her last name) to bother me...I will go home, laugh at you, then bang her in my Bugatti.


NEVER allow another person define you or your worth.

Why?

I talked to EVERYONE and they genuinely think you're a huge piece of shit.


"Choose happiness. Yeah, choose happiness because, huh? There IS wine!?! Oh well then I guess happiness just chose ME!"

- Drunk people


I have an Easter Bunny that actually shits Hershey®'s Kisses®!
THANKS MONSANTO!

I just married two gay dudes, take THAT supreme court!

Have a few gray hairs isn't a death sentence...unless not being able to sleep with hot you women is a death sentence. Yeah, it kinda is huh?

No no no! We said support BACKGROUND CHECKS, not stand in the background and take checks! Congress must be hard of hearing...

I do my podcasts bottomless. Yeah, that's why they make you happy. Even though you didn't know that, you felt something great was happening.

Your mom has that new car smell. Guess why? I'll give you a hint...I got it on with her in her new car. I'm bad with hints...

Walk up to a stranger and slowly whisper, "Your ear wax smells yummy..."
FUN! (Also...RUN!)

I just sewed a rip in my shirt collar with my testicle hair and now random women stop me on the street to tell me they love my cologne.

When cats fight in my backyard, I trash talk the loser. "Yeah, that's what you get for chewing up my trash bags...PUSSY!"

Let's see who can grow the longest nose hair! Starting....
NOW!


A grown man hiding from a two year old so he can enjoy his last cookie without hearing begging and crying....

Wow. Well, finished my cookie. Ha! None for you kid.
#realman

Sometimes, the smartest people are the ones that know when to quit. I'm pretty good at knowing when to quit something. If you want MY advice on when to quit, please buy my advice series on Hi quality 8 track tape...

A friend just told me that he hates pizza. He's dead to me....

Dear cute kids that behave, nice try. You're fooling no one.

"Save the last dance for me." - Dudes who will be waiting at the bar alone as the lady goes home with and bangs someone else

“Using “God” as an excuse for being a bigot….is not cool.”
— Normal people

I'm waiting for Tyler Perry and Donald Trump to do battle in a "Name Things after Myself off". The winner gets to name the trophy...after himself.

I would NEVER stand in the street over someone ELSE'S marriage...unless it would help ME marry Serena Williams. Then I'd protest all DAY!


"Whoa! Why are you asking US about Marriage Equality? We just pick Presidents!"
- Supreme Court


"You've been driving 'round town with the girl I love and I just shot yooooooou!"
Cee Lo sees your ass through a scope

Before you continue, why would I want a rat's ass? That makes no sense. No...explain why I'd want you to give me a rat's ass? Weirdo!

Dear billionaires running for President....WHY?

That's like Ron Jeremy getting enlargement surgery!

That's like ME getting even cuter!

I don't tweet for popularity, or money, or stars or RT's...
I tweet in that vacuum for the sheer joy of knowing I'm an undiscovered genius.


"Don't say anything, but this "Blacks only" water fountain tastes better... I mean how would I know?"
- Dude who talks too much circa 1955

Oh! NOW I understand the law of diminishing returns! Yup, they were so right about that!


I trick people with bait and switch and switch back. Oh, wait.


"This is getting old!"
- A dumb guy 5 seconds before being knocked out by his wife for pointing at her while saying that

I need a new marketing team. The sales of my "Armpit hair extender for Women" just won't take off...


"Breaking NEWS! President Obama was born on MARS!"
- Dumbasses

I rubbed my "Stuff" on the copier before you copied your butt so, we kinda "Did it". I'm the best huh? Yeah, you know it. Ready for round 2?

Do they STILL make "Card Tables"? There are some people coming to dinner that I don't like... and I want them to know that I don't like them.


Just remember son, even though you are among thousands of people...not one of them gives a crap about you. So screw them.
- Advice from a bad parent...


Expecting OTHERS to care is HILARIOUS...well not THAT, the look on your face when they inevitably walk over you is HILARIOUS!
- Bad dad

Forget what I've been saying all these years...and just give him some booty!
- Fed up mom

Anyone that shoots a baby should be set on fire and thrown off of a skyscraper. Yeah, I said it.

How crazy does your family have to be before you can openly disown them? I mean really openly, like "I know we look alike, have the same last name, are in several childhood pictures together...but I DON'T know this bastard!"

In my old neighborhood crimes have gone down, but incidences of people getting walked into by "smartphone drunk" teens is up 9,000,000%.

March Madness.
Basketball Tournament or...
.... me trying to get three 5 year old cousins out of Toys R Us?

Well?

Dear 20 year olds that are flirting with me....WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE I HAD TOO MUCH MORAL STRENGTH TO BANG YOU!?! Damn it!


I'ma show YOOOOOU how great I am....right after this nap.