If you've ever used the phrase ". I don't care how many people she's stabbed... look at that ass!", you're not setting me up on a date.

Wouldn't it be funny if the world ended at 6 pm but your life sucked so much you didn't notice? Huh, anyone?

Facebook now changes the ads on your page instantly according to what you post. My screen now looks like a strip club. Good job Facebook!!!

I want to be a family values politician. They get all the booty.

If there are any attractive virgins who want some tantric lovin' BEFORE the world ends, I would be more than happy to get it on with you.

By very popular request, I am now offering my end of the world tantric lovin' offer to NON-virgins also.

What's the difference between Mitt Romney and a credit card? Give up? A magnetic strip and a VISA logo...because they're both plastic.

Hey Santorum, McCain could STILL kick your punk ass. Seriously. He could. He still might even after your weak apology.

THIS is the guy that has people thinking the world is ending!?! THIS guy? His other big pronouncements?…”Those kids WON’T get off my lawn!” & “Peeing hurts!"

Tomorrow, worldwide, outdoor, flash mob, mega-power-banging at 6:01. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

Hey Glamour magazine, I just heard about your "Engagement Chicken" and I'm making some "Threesome with your hot friend torts" for dessert.

Anyone who thinks that elections aren't stolen...check out WI & OH. Blatant, disgusting, cowardly...(Insert your word here)

The world ends Saturday, ANYTHING to keep Oprah on the air huh?

#WI Brett Favre showed his d*ck, Governor Walker shows his ass*. (*If you're not familiar with that term, let me know)

I'm planning on doing a lot of consolation screwing starting 6:30 Saturday.

S. Anthony says...(Good Man)

Ladies, here's some advice from a "Good Man". When you see us do something nice or special for our lady, FOR EXAMPLE:

Notice her wince when she moves her neck and WITHOUT thinking begin to massage her or rub her feet.

Arrive when he says he will.

Actually be able to cook.

NOT be annoyed (outwardly) when "The Girls" are over AGAIN.

Being happy only f*cking HER, and doing it OFTEN and BRILLIANTLY.

Etc...

Please DON'T say stupid sh!t like, "Boy, you've got him trained!" It's NOT funny. Some of us came out of the box that way. To an evolved man it's as insulting to us as being objectified is to you. Thanks.

P.S. This does not apply to you if you give us some booty on the side. (C'mon, you knew I was going to throw a joke in here somewhere!)

Jack Kevorkian Hospitalized. Too easy....

Just installed SPEAKIT! from the Chrome app store. Now your dirty posts are read by a young woman's voice. Sorry hookers, it's cheaper.

As a young man it weirded me out how hard women stretched and pulled their nips when I was up in them. Now, I judge my performance by that. My ex used to tie me to the bed with hers. Yeah, I'm THAT GOOD!

I'm back! Who wants to make out!?! Not YOU Arnold Schwarzenegger!

I'm banging Arnold Schwarzenegger. NO, YOU'RE desperate for attention!!!

I've "Been with" a few nannies already, so, future wife, don't worry. I've gotten the nanny banging out of my system already. #notfamousyet

When do we vote on Microsoft, Google and Apple subsidies?

Google "Santorum" RIGHT NOW!!!! Hahahahahahahaha! So appropriate!Hahahahahahahaha!

If THESE politicians are the ILLUMINATI...no thanks. I didn't know that ILLUMINATI translated to "Rich d-bags"

You should see the discussions on my Facebook page when I post political jokes. People have fights that don't even involve ME, but I watch.

No Microsoft, I love waiting 7 years for my computer to boot up. Don't solve THAT problem. Just give me more pretty colors!

I've NEVER cheated, It's not worth it. Convince her to get it on with the stripper WITH YOU. (The more you know....)

Political wives, I am offering MY service to you. I will happily sleep with you to help you get back at your husbands. Also, I just want sex

How long after I'm famous should I wait to sell out?

Regarding that last post, I didn't write it. My servant's, servant's, butler's, assistant's, intern did. (This post sponsored by Pepsi)