Something that I learned from Carlin...

George Carlin, one of the greatest comedians and minds of our time said something that stays with me to this day. In an interview, he was discussing his change from a “mainstream” comic to the person we all came to love and respect later. He said to his wife “If I just fill coffee houses doing the stuff that I love…I’m okay with that…”

That’s how I feel now, about virtually every part of my life. Would I love the masses to come? Sure. (Here, I drop in a dirty joke to temporarily lighten the mood… If they’re hot and come back to my hotel room…trust me they’ll “come”) (And now we conclude our post in the original tone)…But not at the expense of my art. I will NEVER do that. I’m easy to live with for others, but if I ever lost who I was artistically or otherwise to the whims of others…I couldn’t live with myself.

Do they have prescription strength coffee? If so....

Could they please change the name to "Womanwich" I'd have more fun eating it then.

They say soda has as much caffeine as coffee, but when you dunk a doughnut...not good. But it doesn't burn a woman's butt when applied so...

It cracks me up when people fight with each other on YOUR Facebook page. It's like a bad thanksgiving dinner!

Newt Gingrich's nickname WOULD have been "Jackass" but jackasses filed an injunction fearing damage to their trademark via any association.

They say that D.C. is "Hollywood for Ugly people" but the real difference...at least the people in Hollywood ACT like you mean shit to them.

Singing it badly at 100 decibels really helps your enjoyment of a song? I like pushing idiots into oncoming traffic. HOORAY FOR US!!!

If your woman sees the top of your head for 60-90 non stop minutes nightly...she'll pimp slap her sister for you. Hmm, that's kinda hot...

What is this obsession guys have with pilling women's hair during pounding sex? C'mon, that's what the OTHER submissive is for! Wait, what?

Any person that votes for any of that congressional and senatorial bad cholesterol (You know who they are) should be ashamed of themselves.

Rush Limbaugh - radio talent = Newt Gingrich.

I thought (D)'s were bigger punks than (R)'s but at least

(D)'s have a PARTY to fight. (R)'s are now punked by a

SMALL group in THEIR party.

This 19yr old needs to stop the over the top flirting before I

do things to her to make her wish that she'd carbo-loaded

and pre-hydrated.

Just because the president USUALLY loses seats

doesn't mean that he/she has to. Especially if the

alternative includes racists and idiots.

Faith Hill singing the Sunday Football opening is

cool...what is NOT cool is having a titanium hard

(Edit) at the start of a football game.

If I agree to pay for my bags, will Southwest

promise to stop pounding that commercial?

J.Krishnamurti - Be A Light to Yourself

Breaking News! Qu'ran "Burning" preacher to get a new reality show called "Punking the press" Film @ 6 & 11. Unless WE'RE getting punked...

Mr. Thomas wonders if it's worth it to renew his self important d-bag drop kicking license. He heads into Starbucks®...and now we wait...

Is this your card?....Maybe this card trick would be more impressive if I had a camera attached to the computer. Or if I had some cards.

I think in most cases a shot glass of whup ass will do.

Teri Hatcher...every time I see you lately you're half naked. THANK YOU! I've been wanting to jump on you since Lois & Clark. Yum!

I have been carjacked before. Never sneak up behind me and ask me for money if you're a stranger. Also, triangle chokes work in real life.

What's worse, when you tweet a joke and someone answers seriously or when you're serious and someone laughs? Welcome to FB!!!

Twitter streams are like Id ticker tapes. Thank goodness the people that I follow are so cool...or I'm just as crazy as they are...no...those guys are cool...

Aretha Franklin wants Halle Berry to portray her in a film. (Insert your joke about the craziness of that idea here)--->

Breaking News! People with common sense and sanity to burn dunce caps outside of Glenn Beck's Studio. Film @ 6 & 11!

Yo, distant guy with the hot pregnant wife...kiss that neck and rub that belly! If you don't the next guy that gets her pregnant will!

The president isn't a news anchor or reporter...YOU elevated that dick headed book burner my news reporting, stupid question asking friend.

I slap pit bulls, goes to tea parties in pro Obama t-shirts and do my own prostate exams...yeah, I'm the man! I make my own rules!!!

Why pinch me to see if I'm dreaming? If Serena Williams isn't nude and covered in chocolate pudding...I know that I'm awake. TMI?

I just heard a teen ask his girlfriend if he could "Get up in those guts?" Disgusting. That's no way to get a lady to let you blow her up!

I don't know about you.... Oh, that was the end of the sentence...and a comment on your outfit and recent behavior. I truly don't know...

plɹoʍ ʎɯ

Imagine how accurately informed people would be if the "Mainstream Media" actually fact checked. WoW! That said...how is Lindsay doing?

Have you ever had a friend or relative ask to borrow so much money that you wonder whether they're stupid or mistook you for someone else?

Kiss my ring. NO...the one around the inside of the tub. Yes, what you're tasting is chocolate. You're welcome.

Have you ever disliked someone so much that even the sound of their laughter makes you want to pimp slap them?

Hey CANCER here's a special message to you from my Aunt that you took from us...FUCK YOU! Say hello to the dodo bird and Polio motherfucker!

There's calorie labels on fast foods, but NO label on my ex saying "Will start banging a rich dude when your TV deal falls through?" C'mon!

What adult is still afraid of horror movies....really? What? That's NOT a horror movie? It's....CABLE NEWS!?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Never been a hater. I've been a "damn stfu-er" or a "get the hell out-er" or a "go f*ck yourself-er" ...but hate-er....nah. I'm too nice.

It's dress down day at work. Why is the boss yelling at everyone? Oh. Damn, I always forget to check for alternate definitions! #notmehahaha

Breaking News! In a nod to global warming, Qur'an burning preacher will use a paper shredder on the Tao Te Ching during Chinese New Year.

Creating art for art's sake and art's sake alone is the way to go. Anyone got a quarter?

Breaking News! Qu'ran burning preacher announces outside of a cancer clinic that he is proudly pro-oxidant. Film at 6 &11.

How long before the Republican "get out the vote" and the religious "come to church" guys realize that I've left them talking to each other?

Special message to all social networking sites. I'm all for innovation, but you don't have to change your sites between keystrokes. Thanks.

Atlas Shrugged, then Mrs. Atlas said "So, you DON'T know where this relationship is going? Well, guess what globes you WON'T be holding!?!"

The Qu'ran burning is cancelled. Man, it took a long time for that pastor's meds to kick in.

Anyone know where I can get a bunch of unburned Qu'rans and bad mustache trimming advice?

What's so dangerous about sticking myself with this needle, it's empty! Duh. Say you can have all of my stuff into the camera first? Why?

My Qu'ran is burning, someone must be talking about it. #yeahit'sacornyandeasyjokeshutup!

When my ex was mad at me she would not have sex. Apparently I was the only male that could get her angry! Thank you, i'll be here all week!

I'm not depressed...I'm bummed out. Do they have a drug for that TV commercial fake doctor? Huh? What's a brownie going to do for me?

Special message to cable news and talk radio. You can make money "pandering" to sane non-racists too! And there's many MORE of them. OK?

Have you ever held onto something for fear that it could never be replaced? Then you know my pain. Goodbye processed foods...I will miss ye!

Accepting everything and expecting nothing is a philosophy that has made life easier. Nah, that's no fun! Narcissism time! ME! ME! ME! ME!

Breaking news! Korans have broken out of bookstores and have begun burning mindless, stupid media whore, dick headed preachers! Film @ 11!

Just saw a funeral procession that had a cement truck behind it and my first though was "Man, the mob has gotten really multi-tasky"

I would like to announce to the press that I officially don't give a damn who celebrities are fu*king...unless it's me. Thanks. -The world

Remember this formula: 25cents + a smile adds value, 25cents + insults decreases the value. Remember that when giving homeless people money.

Also, after licking a hookers armpits, if you're in the hotel bathroom gargling/scraping your tongue...close the door, they have feelings.

"Critical Thinker"... If that description is considered an insult, then the first word is too accurate of you and the second word.

If ANYONE in my family asks you to give them a QUICK ride somewhere...fake a seizure, or start a fire. That is all.

Burning...another religion's sacred text...is WRONG. Come on political cowards, say it with me...