And the winner is...

I'm pro-mind YOUR business.

I think Mel Gibson said it best.... #phrasesyouwillneverhearagain

Message to flies....even people who practice Jainism want to torture and then kill you. That is all.

Can we at least mix in some uplifting things in the news? The veiled racist politicians and the morons that follow them bore me now.

Hey dude, you know guys that put a $100 bill around ones to fool people? That's what you look like in that car. You work at Walmart!

Dear family member that manufactures a crisis just to get me to do things you know I don't want to do...there's a BIG surprise coming...

Hey security guard, calm down, there's more cameras in the market than a casino. You sir are a beta tape. Listen to the obsolescence clock!

:-)

I would like to file murder charges against the sound bite for killing nuanced answers and intelligent conversation. They will be missed.

I love the look in a child's eyes, the beautiful hopeful look... you know, the one we had before the world clubbed us into adulthood.

How do you let politicians cut off money to 2 million people, go on vacation...and get away with it?

I guess being fired for gross incompetence DOESN'T apply to news.

Haters are boring. We always know what you're going to say. Critical thinkers on the other hand...I won't explain...just try it.

Breaking news!! The Dalai Lama just pimp smacked Mel Gibson and needed to be restrained from "Busting him up more" film @ 6 & 11

"Rubber or lead?" - Armed robber to store clerk

"All at once or one a night? - Horny muscle bound lifers to armed robber (now a prisoner)

All star games mid-season are stupid. That's like telling people that they can only vacation on Wednesdays.

Think that you don't have Stockholm syndrome? Television sucks, it lies and yet you still watch it. Hello! YAY! Big brother is on GOTTA GO!

Mel Gibson just thought of an epithet specifically for himself....and then called himself that!

Ya dig 2.0!

Have you ever heard a conversation between two people and just know that you'd hate them both if they tried to befriend you?

Hot ladies...you do know that mental images of you are being filed away for future use, right? Not by me of course...but by others.

A zero calorie cheese steak= endless billions. Get on that scientists. We both know that you aren't really trying to CURE diseases anyway.

The fake slap attempt that morphs into running your fingers through your hair move is NOT funny to gang-bangers or cops. Write that down.

We invent the Internet and we can't come up with something better to pick our noses with than a sleeping girlfriends finger? Wait, what?

I'm about to scream "FUCK IT!" at the top of my lungs...so YOU don't have to. Yeah, I care that much.

Ya dig?

Pushed the EASY button...and my ex showed up. Nah, I'd rather remain disease free. But thanks anyway.

It's tough writing a whole new show from scratch after dumping all of my old stuff...so stop complaining about your labor pains lady.

If you build a society on xenophobia and stupidity, you will put in place rules that can bite you on the ass when you're not in power. Dig?

Listening to extremist nut jobs for political insight is the same as eating feces because you like corn

Okay, enough of that. Back to the jokes. If you have a fetish for cigarette burns, would that mean you wouldn't date a non smoker?

I just beat my reflection in the mirror in a staring contest. It IS possible!! No, you stop lying!! Yes I was D'angelo's ab double. YOU lie!

_____________/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "It's ALIVE!!!!!" - The Internet's personal physician

Whipped cream + a woman's nipples + 60 uninterrupted minutes = yay!

Mmm hmm....

So....I guess I shouldn't be impressed with Mel Gibson's portrayal of crazy characters anymore.

If Mel Gibson's rant had a beat by Dr Dre behind it...he'd have a hit single instead of career trouble.

I miss the good old days when there were game shows starring celebrities on the down slide reciting jokes from writers on the down slide.

We are going to have Mexican, Asian & Indian Presidents at some point....and with that I say, "FUCK YOU RACISTS!"

It amazes me what women DON'T think is kinky anymore. I would like to thank my dimples for making my disgusting requests charming. 

Helping childish NBA team owners write snarky letters about exiting star athletes since 2010.

*whispering* A strip search means I take off MY clothes right? That's what I thought. No, No...don't correct her. I like it this way.

I'm readying my butt cheeks for the impending influx of lips.

Question for carjackers. Have you ever heard of that activity ending well? I mean you steal a car, then in jail you're the front of a train.

Yup!

Message to guys on Maury, the hot woman hitting on your ugly ass in the green room is ALWAYS a decoy. YOU could NEVER get a woman like THAT.

I have fantasized about another while with a girlfriend. Admitted it? No. Have they ever done it? Yes. Admitted it? Yes. Did I care? No.

Ladies, if we're dating, don't stress about birthday or Christmas gifts. If you say YES more than NO...I'm cool. No gift needed. Thanks.

Mean receptionist, I make a living in the entertainment industry. YOUR rudeness doesn't even register. FYI, I'll probably be doing you soon.

As expected, she apologized and tried to give me her number. Nah, if you have "meanest" in you, you don't get my pe...uh you get the point.

Shh, be quiet...he doesn't know that no one gives a crap. - One of the most appropriate sentences ever.

I'm traveling the country & placing "And then pee on them and dig in your ear" signs under "Employees must wash hands" Realism is important.

Finding hair on soap is gross. I shouldn't be picky, it's not my hotel shower. These people sleep soundly. They should lock the door.

That's right *Shutter click* great shots. Come on, make love to the camera. Aw, come on that's gross! Don't be so literal candy, geez! 

I have just quit my job as Mel Gibson's rant ghost writer.

:-)

Happy July 8th!!! It's when the colonists finished cleaning up & drove home after the party. No, you're historically inaccurate! 

Yeah, my ancestors are from Africa and I should be able to handle the heat. STFU and turn on the air conditioner before I shrink your head!

Kylie Minogue, the gateway drug to Ke$ha. 

It costs a little more to turn on the air in the car, but it is so much better that the ass sweat gumbo that my seats would otherwise be.

Cargo pants, the traveling game show for pick pockets.

What Lebron James doesn't know is, the NBA is moving the Cleveland franchise to whatever city he chooses. Shh, lets watch his reaction... 

Breaking news!!! The earth's rotation is slowing at a pace that will bring it to a complete stop at 9pm tonight. Lebron, you did it!!!