I tailgate other pedestrians bottomless.

It's your word against my baseball bat...

I'm thinking of suing the owners of "Pocket Hose"....because, well...that's MY nickname. Yeah...

If your computer slows down, it doesn't like you.

It's only OVERacting if the other actors DON'T suck too.

Dear rich people who want to do GOOD things, outbid the people who do bad things so YOU can own the whores in the Government. #justathought

I want someone to put subtitles under me so you can tell I'm cursing you out under my breath.

North Korea. I'm so afraid of you, I'm stocking up on ketchup packets and cans of spam. Come to think of it, eating THAT shit would kill me.

Iced coffee was probably invented by the same contrarian that created fat free ice cream.

The guys who set prices at the pawn shops and all night convenience stores would kill each other for ridiculous price supremacy if they met.

I just watched Charlie's Angels on cable...
Bosley is getting some.
Trust me.

"Thanks for NOTHING!"
- People who got NOTHING and aren't happy about it


If you only stalk me on twitter... you don't REALLY care.
- People even crazier than their stalkers

Dear people trying to get away with stuff...someone, somewhere is recording you.

Expect NOTHING from OTHERS and EVERYTHING from YOURSELF. Your life is now better than It was 7 seconds ago. You're welcome.

If I marry a famous lady and people call me Mr. (Her last name) to bother me...I will go home, laugh at you, then bang her in my Bugatti.


NEVER allow another person define you or your worth.

Why?

I talked to EVERYONE and they genuinely think you're a huge piece of shit.


"Choose happiness. Yeah, choose happiness because, huh? There IS wine!?! Oh well then I guess happiness just chose ME!"

- Drunk people


I have an Easter Bunny that actually shits Hershey®'s Kisses®!
THANKS MONSANTO!

I just married two gay dudes, take THAT supreme court!

Have a few gray hairs isn't a death sentence...unless not being able to sleep with hot you women is a death sentence. Yeah, it kinda is huh?

No no no! We said support BACKGROUND CHECKS, not stand in the background and take checks! Congress must be hard of hearing...

I do my podcasts bottomless. Yeah, that's why they make you happy. Even though you didn't know that, you felt something great was happening.

Your mom has that new car smell. Guess why? I'll give you a hint...I got it on with her in her new car. I'm bad with hints...

Walk up to a stranger and slowly whisper, "Your ear wax smells yummy..."
FUN! (Also...RUN!)

I just sewed a rip in my shirt collar with my testicle hair and now random women stop me on the street to tell me they love my cologne.

When cats fight in my backyard, I trash talk the loser. "Yeah, that's what you get for chewing up my trash bags...PUSSY!"

Let's see who can grow the longest nose hair! Starting....
NOW!


A grown man hiding from a two year old so he can enjoy his last cookie without hearing begging and crying....

Wow. Well, finished my cookie. Ha! None for you kid.
#realman

Sometimes, the smartest people are the ones that know when to quit. I'm pretty good at knowing when to quit something. If you want MY advice on when to quit, please buy my advice series on Hi quality 8 track tape...

A friend just told me that he hates pizza. He's dead to me....

Dear cute kids that behave, nice try. You're fooling no one.

"Save the last dance for me." - Dudes who will be waiting at the bar alone as the lady goes home with and bangs someone else

“Using “God” as an excuse for being a bigot….is not cool.”
— Normal people

I'm waiting for Tyler Perry and Donald Trump to do battle in a "Name Things after Myself off". The winner gets to name the trophy...after himself.

I would NEVER stand in the street over someone ELSE'S marriage...unless it would help ME marry Serena Williams. Then I'd protest all DAY!


"Whoa! Why are you asking US about Marriage Equality? We just pick Presidents!"
- Supreme Court


"You've been driving 'round town with the girl I love and I just shot yooooooou!"
Cee Lo sees your ass through a scope